Be honest with me - if you did all the feeding-to-sleep, co-sleeping, napping-in-buggy things did you indeed Make a Rod for yourself?

(34 Posts)
artifarti Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:26

That's it really. With DS1 we did a bit of gentle shush-patt and he would nap and fall asleep on his own in his cot, slept through from 7 months and we never felt the need to co-sleep. With DS2 (8 months) it's a different story and I am so knackered/desperate that he spends half the night in my bed guzzling away and has to be pushed round the block to nap (fortunately once he's asleep I can wheel him home and park him up so that's not a big issue). I am starting to wonder though how and when I will be able to get my bed back and whether he will start to settle himself without my boobs (we do manage to get him to sleep without sometimes but he is still pretty obsessed!).

So, if you co-slept and fed/rocked/pushed to sleep, did your DC settle themselves in the end on their own or did you Make a Rod for Your Own Back and have to do something to get them to sleep through the night/in their own cot?

Morloth Thu 13-Dec-12 08:36:35

Nope, no rods here. Breastfed to sleep, co-slept, cuddled whenever, no routines none of that stuff whatsoever.

8 year old DS1 is as independant as it is possible to be and DS2 is similar at 2 and a half.

They both go to bed when told, they have their own beds (but are welcome in ours at any time).

Now when I want to kiss DS1 all I hear is 'Muuuuuuuum' and DS2 mostly need to be crash tackled for a cuddle so I am glad I got them all in when they couldn't get away. wink

preemiemummy26 Thu 13-Dec-12 07:12:52

Fed and cuddled my daughter to sleep and often shared a bed with her. Trying to get out of this habit was sooo hard!!

When my younger son came, I put him down awake and have never shared the bed with him. MUCH easier!

Nope.
Fed to sleep as it worked, not that I planned to. Co-slept, because it worked, not that I planned to at all <eyes unused moses basket>. Used a sling for the first ten weeks or so, because it worked.

Now the little sod won't even be cuddled...

SledsImOn Wed 12-Dec-12 09:13:22

Oh and he did stop breastfeeding when he went to school, at 4 and a half. It just tails off iykwim...no stressing or hassle or arguing or reward charts. He just stopped needing it.

SledsImOn Wed 12-Dec-12 09:12:27

No, they all get there in the end...do what ever works for you all in the short term, would be my advice!

I still have a co sleeper who is 5, but it doesn't bother me really. He can sleep fine elsewhere, if he needs to.

Themobstersknife Wed 12-Dec-12 08:55:56

I have also found that with a second DC, things like leaving them to cry for a bit become much more of a risky business when you need DC1 to have a good night's sleep for school etc! This is the main thing we are struggling with. Last night DD2 woke at 4am, sang for a bit, then shouted, then cried, then woke the whole house up. DD1 wandered in upset, so she needed resettling, DD2 eventually needed milk to settle. It would have been easier to have DD2 in with us all night. I think we would have all slept better. The trouble is DD2 is formula fed - I was poorly so we had to switch although I didn't want to - and I find I am sleeping much more deeply this time, so haven't routinely co slept. So in a way I am jealous you are able to do it! DD2 is the same age as your DS2 and I tell myself constantly things will get better... Please!

emmyloo2 Wed 12-Dec-12 07:52:50

We did have issues with our DS to do with wheeling him around in the pram at night to get him to sleep (12 months). Then we had problems when he started waking, because we started feeding him again to get him to sleep (14-18 months).

To solve the first issue we did controlled crying with the help of a sleep consultant and it took two nights to fix. It was the best thing ever. Second problem I got advice from the same sleep consultant and went cold turkey on the night feeds (he was 18 months so definitely didnt need them) and again it took about a week to resolve itself.

I must say, with baby number 2 due next May I am going to try to avoid getting into these habits and I am getting the sleep consultant in from day one to try and establish good practices. However, perhaps I will have a very difficult baby and I will be doing what I can to get some relief! However, my view is, and others will disagree, that sometimes we hold onto bad habits because it's thought it is too difficult to change them. I was like that for a while. I get thinking the issues would resolve itself and they didn't. So we bit the bullet and took some action which was tough but very short term and worth it. Now DS is just over 2 and is a very good sleeper (touch wood). Sleeps in his own bed, just have to have good night stories, lights off, kisses goodnight and that's him done. It's so much easier.

Startail Tue 11-Dec-12 23:08:30

No, but I was always very strict that co- sleeping meant just that, figetting kicking and messing meant going back to her cot.

I fed her to sleep past her starting school, never thought of it as a problem. Subtitles on TV snuggle up on sofa after saying good night to big sister. I'd probably watched TV at that time anyway.

DD2 never slept in the day from being tiny, we just collected DD1 from preschool at just the wrong time, had she wanted a long feed to have a nap that might have been annoying.

DD1 was a FF wriggler who never co slept, napped very easily and went to bed ok so long as it was 8pm.

ThisIsMummyPig Tue 11-Dec-12 22:29:30

Haven't read all the thread - did all of the things in your OP until they were 12 months, then I did the pick up put down stuff in the baby whisperer books.

From 14 months they have both gone to sleep on their own, and slept through. They seem to be fairly pleasant, balanced kids (5 and 2 now)

When I did the sleep training it was hard work, but I do not regret spoiling them in the early days at all.

QTPie Tue 11-Dec-12 22:24:47

I fed to sleep (breastfeeding) for 11/12 months, DS napped in buggy between 6 and 14 months. Didn't co-sleep. We did have him on a routine from 3/5 weeks and that was important to me.

Honestly, no "rod for own back" here. Yes, we had to work at settling in the cot (back patting, hand holding until 19 months when we used "Sleep Seperation" technique to edge away and out of the room). DS is the most confident, independent toddler (almost 3 years). However, he is an adaptable childbirth- so we may be lucky (who knows...)

Do what works for you and what you are comfortable with. When the time comes (and you need to change things or want to change things), then work gently but firmly to change things.

artifarti Tue 11-Dec-12 22:19:24

Thanks everyone smile. A mixed bag of responses, as you would expect. I don't think I am stressing about it at the moment but I also don't think I want to still be BFing and/or co-sleeping at 2 etc. I gave up BFing DS1 at 14 months and suspect I will go to similar with DS2. He is on solids and eats like a piglet so I don't think it's a big hunger issue (although I know it's not unusual for babies to still feed at this age!) but it's very much comfort and habit. He is not at all mobile though which someone mentioned, he's a big shuffling lump, bless him! His cot is in the room next door and he tends to start off in there and then migrate at some point between 10pm and 5am!

cowardlylion - were we on the same whingy overdue thread then?! Have you namechanged?!

Ah, speak of the devil, there he is, waking up again (cold and teething at the moment so no chance whatsoever of sleeping through or sleeping on his own!)

rrreow Tue 11-Dec-12 22:07:18

Nope. I mean, in my opinion you're creating a rod for your own back in the present while keep trying to do something that isn't working (e.g. put a baby in a cot who just doesn't want to be there) just because of some notion about what's supposed to be 'right'.

Co-slept with DS (now 19m) until he was about 12m. It totally worked for us because he would SLEEP. Especially in the early days it would allow him to do 4 hour stretches which is pretty rare for young babies and I really think it was the co-sleeping that helped him do it. At a certain point we wanted our bed back (especially as he started to wriggle so much and keep us awake - I mean the whole reason for co-sleeping was for everyone to get sleep, so when that was out the window we needed a different plan) so we tackled the sleep when he was 12m.

Probably took about a month to get him into his cot properly (minor set back when he had chicken pox and was in our bed). His cot was right next to our bed. At that point we really worked on his naps as well which helped with bedtime sleep. In terms of actually getting him to sleep in his cot I used the tips in this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/a1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

At this point in time he is occasionally in our bed (when he is very poorly - he had hand, foot & mouth a while back and was just so miserable - he didn't actually sleep much but at least he felt comforted which was important to me) but every time it happens (maybe once a month) it never means there is any 'regression' (as much as I fear it).

EdithWeston Tue 11-Dec-12 22:01:22

So much depends on the baby.

Both DS were fine about learning to sleep through when they became mobile and I decided to move them out of our bed (only took a couple of nights and slept through well). DD, the youngest and who had had much the same hippyish early months was an absolute monster and it took months to get her to sleep well separately. And yes, it did feel like a rod at times.

Smudging Tue 11-Dec-12 21:57:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parents' personalities differ as well of course - a Rod is only a Rod if it bothers you.
If you hate co-sleeping, consider what changes you can make.
If you like it, why do you have to change anything at all??

Rods, Schmods - bollocks to that grin.

DS1 was a Screamer and turned me into a far more hippy earth mother than I ever intended to be just to Shut Him Up - BFing on demand, sling every upright hour, co-sleeping, praming to sleep etc etc.

DS2 had to teach us to Leave Him Alone - he did not want to be held/rocked/fed to sleep. Poor child had a hard time training his thick parents.

DS3 and 4 were more 'normal' - whatever that is - but certainly not so extremely different in their personalities as they older brothers were and ARE.

So much depends on a baby's personality - I wish somebody had told me that when I was stressing about doing The Right Thing: go with the flow, do whatever works and by the time they are 16 they will no longer sleep in your bed/need to be fed to sleep or anything else - and chances are they will even be potty trained by then!

Stress not, OP, all will be well smile.

cowardlylionhere Tue 11-Dec-12 21:43:25

arti, we have dc the same age, we went overdue together! My ds is also 8 mo and I was beginning to think I was making that rod. But actually, on the advice of others, I moved his cot out of my room 2 nights ago and he's pretty much slept right through the night both times. When he was in my room, we would disturb each other, and I would go and get him at the slightest noise and feeed him, which would inevitably end up with me feeding him in bed and him staying attatched what felt like all night. it got to feel a bit stifling to be honest. He's only in the next room and so far I'm not actually getting any more sleep because I'm awake listening out for him, but it's been remarkably easy <touchwood> so far. He's the same for naps though, but I time our outings to coincide with when he needs one. Ds is dc 3 and all of mine have slept much easier in their buggies during the day, I'm just not good enough at routines to get them used to being in their cots in the day. As far as feeding goes, ds has suddenly really got the hand of blw, and that's going brilliantly. I do think his sleeping longer at night is due in no small part to his new found love of potatoes at teatime...Is ds on any solids at all? I know I felt with my last ds that establishing bfing wasn't the problem for me, it was the cutting down, and I'm findign that a bit this time too. 2 nights ago i was convinced I had masitis coming my way as ds didn't feed all night and my norks were like boulders. I've not been great with expressing and in fact haven't bothered for a long time, but I think I'm going to go to bed armed with the pump in the room for any emergencies- the last thing I need is mastitis, I have had it twice with both previous dc and it's not nice. But you have my sympathy, it's tough. But you must do what you feel is right. I was so against moving ds out of my room, the people who all suggested it are the older generations of my family who are all horrified that he doesn't sleeop through, so I'd nbever tell them that we cosleep as well, but actually, having tried it, it's working for us. I may even get to sleep tonight knowing ds is fine. I might give him a dreamfeed when I go up and then hopefully we'll both be settled for the night. He's been a different baby these last few days, presumably because he's getting more sleep.

Rhubarbgarden Tue 11-Dec-12 21:32:35

With dd I was v v strict about self settling, never fed her to sleep and did all the text book stuff because I had no idea how babies worked and following a book to the letter worked for me. She slept through from 5 weeks and has always been an excellent sleeper and very independent child.

With ds, I've been rather slack. Dealing with a baby and a toddler is so full on, plus I feel like I know what I'm doing this time around so I'm winging it more instead of referring to Gina constantly. As a result, he's in our bed a lot, because it's easier than all that settling faff. It's laziness really. And it's turning rapidly into a rod - he's starting to expect to be brought into our bed every time he wakes now. Like you, I'm going to have to do something soon...

UnacceptableAmountOfSherry Tue 11-Dec-12 21:31:42

artifarti Are you asking because you are worried about potential problems or are you asking because you have had enough and want to move DS on to a bit of independence and want a few tips?
If you are ok with him being in your own bed then I wouldn't worry too much and you could start to wean him off the breast now if it's wearing you out.

I'm not sure I believe that you can make a rod for your own back. I think each child has different needs and some are just 'easier' than others.

I didn't make any rods.

I absolutely 'spoiled' hmm my DC. I did what I felt was easiest and what they seemed to require at the time.

DS1 fed to sleep, co-slept till he got bored with me!
DS2 fed to sleep, buggy napped, minimal co-sleeping possibly due to DS1 being in bed
DS3 fed to sleep, co-slept, napped in buggy/car/arms, spent lots of early toddler hood wrapped around my leg
DD combination of all of the above although she settled better on her own so the co-sleeping didn't happen much.

No problems with getting them weaned or into their own beds when time was right. All very settled secure children.

DS4 whole different ball game. He is very demanding, very hard work. I did the 'whatever' approach with him too and the other children are now older so he's had the opportunity for more 1-1 than any of them.

I stopped breast feeding at around the age of 1 (in part due to him being demanding) and he was fine when I stopped but I had thought he would be difficult. Bedtime has not been so easy. He is finally getting the hang of his own bed (aged 3)

I'm sure it's a personality thing though rather than anything you do/don't allow.

Yay I don't have the oldest co sleeper!

I made a ROD FOR MY OWN BACK.
*looks at sleeping 6 year old next to me.
*yes reader, that is six YEARS old.

RufousBartleby Tue 11-Dec-12 21:00:29

Relax OP - you will be fine!

I did all the 'wrong' things just to get some rest/keep my sanity. Some wise MNetters told me to get a cot bed and shove it up next to my bed so I could get some rest, and it turned out to be absolutely brilliant. He is now 30 months and settles to sleep without cuddles/feeding/terrible crying. Its almost like he's just got to the age where he can self-settle and is fine.

The only thing I wish is that someone had told me not to worry and that it would all work out fine and I wouldn't be causing myself long term problems: so let me say to you OP 'You are not setting yourself up for difficulties you are sensibly doing what you need to do to keep sane and rested!'

iwillsleepagainsomeday Tue 11-Dec-12 20:58:30

*I might have suffered LESS from my failures

TwoHats Tue 11-Dec-12 20:58:19

DS1 - around 18/20 months went from co-sleeping to his own bed in his own room with no fuss at all. Around the same age I also stopped cuddling/buggy for all naps, I was able to just tuck him in and leave him to it.

DS2 - is nearly 2 and I have no idea how he'll take it when we stop. Something tells me it will be much harder though, which is why we haven't tried yet.

I have two 'rods' aged 4.11 and 11 months. If anyone knows how to get them out of my bed...?

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