I'm so fed up with being shouted at by my two older dcs but most days I deal with it. I try hard not to be a shouty mum.
Dc1 is 10 and is aggressive and can be quite nasty to her siblings. She can also kick off and have the most amazing tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, including throwing things down the stairs at me, shouting at me etc This evening it all kicked off. She squirted perfume in her younger sisters mouth and face. I went up to tell her off and she literally screamed in my face. I'm really ashamed to say I completely lost it and hit her on the arm. Not hard but I shouldn't have done it 
She then proceeded to hit me back and tried to throw a wooden laundry basket lid at me. I got her on the bed and said something really horrible to her. I'm too ashamed to say what, but I have apologised to her and said I said it in the heat of the moment, I love her so much. God, this sounds like something an abuser would say - all remorse after the event iyswim
I have tried so hard to be calm when she has her tantrums and I've fucked it all up. I was so angry. I'm sure she's going to grow up with issues and it's my fault.
Don't really know why I'm posting on here, just feeling really sad about the way I reacted and no one here to talk to.
She's sleeping in my bed tonight because I feel so guilty.
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Parenting
I'm really shit at this parenting
moogalicious · 08/10/2012 20:33
If you have a difficult child, you do end up feeling like a shit parent, but that may not necessarily be true - you could be a fan-bloody-tastic parent with a very difficult child [optimistic].
I have a couple of suggestions. Firstly what Mypopcorn said about one-on-one time, but do make it fun not an opportunity to question or lecture her.
Secondly, try to keep a diary of what she does, how she is, what makes her angry etc. You may find that you can work with her triggers (worry, hunger, tiredness, friendship issues, school etc) and head off some of her anger to make life easier for her. Also make a list of the really difficult behaviour, and try to work on one thing at a time.
Thirdly, introduce a "no violence" rule for everyone - no violence, hitting, pushing, shouting abuse, insulting, everything. React instantly to any occurrence of this, with an instant sending to her room. And don't worry or comment if she trashes it, she will get used to it soon if you do it Every Single Time. By the way, my kids now have a punch bag which has been great - they thump the punch bag rather than each other 
.
Finally, don't take it all so personally. Step back and look at her a little more dispassionately rather than feeling angry, guilty, upset, hurt etc.
I would second the idea of a parenting course. I went on one when mine were 10, 8 and 6 and it really helped. We used to be given different techniques to practice, or challenges, and then came back the next week and discussed them in a group, to see what worked and what didn't. I found it great (and it got me away from them one night a week).
Yes, one on one, but also some discipline. She sounds like a spoiled brat, tbh, and even if she is going through some difficult time/puberty there is no excuse for her to torment her siblings, have mega tantrums, throw things at you or hit you 
My 10yo DS can be challenging at times, argumentative, likes to have the last word, also has some mood swings etc but there is no way in hell would he ever throw something at me or his sister.
How do you usually react when she does things like that? Punishment? Talking it over?
That's the problem with having three kids, one is bound to be a difficult one. The only people I know without one difficult child are those who only have one or two kids
She is quite possibly attention seeking, having learned at a young age that having tantrums or teasing the other two is the quickest way to get you to turn around. This type of learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, iykwim.
With oldest children it is easy to get into the habit of ignoring them when they are good (because you are tending to the younger ones) and only reacting when they do something bad, and it become a vicious circle. More attention when she is being nice, instant separation from everyone when she is nasty, staying less emotionally involved with her tantrums and doing things with her when she is nice will help.
I praised her this weekend - she had a sleepover and was so good. Didn't make much difference tonight though 
And yes the teasing drives me nuts! I think shortly before i lost it I had a load of 'dc1. . .stop it' from my younger ones.
I have a corner sofa, with one child on each end and one in the corner.
Aw, thankyou for all your advice. I feel much better although a couple of glasses of 
helped
Mine have a ban on body contact, are made to sit at opposite ends of the sofa, and are made to take it in turns on the ps3 because a multiplayer game usually turns into a fight.
It's nice for people who don't have children who scream, or throw, or aim kicks at siblings, but it's also not the overwhelming majority. A LOT of people have primary aged children whose main aim of the day seems to be to make each other cry
Sorry, moogalicious, that wasn't a nice thing to say and indeed just an impulsive reaction to your OP rather than thoughtful advice. I can only offer raging PMS as an excuse, sorry again 
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