If your ds/dd doesn't eat dinner to you let them go to bed hungry?

[northerner]

After many battles at the dinner table, I have decided to change tactics.No more cajoling, bribing him to eat his dinner. I tell him if he doesn't eat it he gets nothing else and no tv before bed time. We are only on day 2 so again he has chosen not to eat.

dh thinks he will be hungry and should have some toast or cereal before bed, I think not. He'll hardly starve will he?

[collision]

No, he wont starve and he will enjoy breakfast! I would do the same.

Best not to make a big deal of it and he will soon come round to it and eat.

What does he like to eat?

[northerner]

Ask him what he wants and he will always say cheese sandwiches.

[collision]

Could be worse. What about bits and pieces? A plate with ham, chicken, cheese, cucumber, breadsticks, apple etc

[Hulababy]

DD is given her dinner and she either eats that or gets nothing. Simple as that, not prepared to go running about making alternatives and extra fod later. We don't eat until 6:30 wwhen Dh gets home anyway so no time.


Some of the things that help DD eat more/be more prepared to try new things at dinnertime:

• served on a snaller child sized plate, and I don't over fill it
  
  
• when I put things in serving bowls and let her serve herself - she knows if she chooses to put in on her plate, I expect her to eat it
  
  
• with new food - she knows she has to try it and give it a good go
  
  
• I have started cooking properly again and she is also now eating loads more, and more variety too, as a result
  
  
• when she gets to be involved with preparing dinner - making meat balls, burgers, chicken nuggets, etc
  
  
• setting the table for me, getting her involved
  
  
• no sweets/chocolate/etc any other time of day. She is allowed a small chocolate bar after her dinner IF she eats the majoity of what is on her plate. She is good with food and has a balanced diet, so I feel this one small bar is fine. (All other desserts/snacks are fruit/veg)
  
  
• giving her a choice between 2 or 3 of my pre-chosen dinner options; I try and keep DD involved when planning meals for the week and choosing recipes from cookbooks, and she helps me unpack shopping, etc.
  
  
• child size cutlery.
  
  
  You may well do many, if not all of these, but thought they might be useful to try if not as they do help us.

[Hulababy]

Oh, another favourite is a rainbow platter to choose from. We prepare a big plate with cooked meat or fish/seafood, sliced tomatoes, peppers, cucumber, sweetcorn, cheese, pitta bread/bread, and maybe a dip. Lots of different colours (hence the rainbow name) nd all finger food and choices to make. We do this regualrly when her firends come to play, and actually pinched the name idea from a friend!

[LIZS]

Northerner sounds fine to me. dd rarely clears her plate but she does generally eat a good meal now even though she also has a hot meal at school. Her appetite increased when we stopped her afternoon milk. Agree with Hula's tips too.

[northerner]

Thanks Hula, but yes I do all of those. Collision yes he would eat that and that is often what I give him for lunch. The only dinner he will eat without fuss is Sheperds Pie.

Dh is a chef so we are constantly offering ds new foods but it has always been an issue. At preschool however, he clears his plate

[Hulababy]

Ah, the preschool trick. Amazing what they will do at nursery that they don't do at home isn't it?


I guess it is a case of trying the new rules for a few days and see if it generally improves the situation, and then take it from there.

[northerner]

It amazes me how angry a 3 year old can get! Give me the terrible 2's any day.

[Issymum]

Strange you mention that northerner, we've just decided to adopt this tactic with DD2. She has just turned 3, she is tiny, lightweight but incredibly energetic. Because she's so small and she was malnourished when we first adopted her, we've made quite a fuss about her eating enough and, although occasionally she will eat extremely well, I'm coming to the conclusion that the fuss is counter-productive and that no amount of cajoling, bribing, persuading and hectoring makes a jot of difference. So we'll be offering her three meals a day, with a fruit snack between breakfast and lunch and that's it. There will be plenty of praise for eating 'good' foods (vegetables and fruit) but otherwise we'll make zero fuss about eating. No punishments, no rewards (except a choice of pudding if she finishes her first course) and whatever she doesn't eat within 30 minutes of sitting at the table goes in the bin. I think DD2's key problem is that she finds eating boring and there is a sufficient incentive (bribes, sticker charts etc are all hopelessly ineffective) to dissuade her from clowning around and chatting.

Two observations: When we first adopted DD2, malnourished and hungry, she ate whatever you put in front of her, to the point of throwing up - until we learnt to moderate the amount of food we gave her. But, thankfully, she quickly learnt that there was an inexhaustible supply of food and she has been fussy and picky ever since.

DD1, although not malnourished, was not much better until she went to school. At school "hot dinners" are compulsory, there is no choice and whatever the children haven't eaten by the end of the meal is binned. After half a term she started to eat all her meals like a trooper - sit, eat as much as you need/want, get down - and she has turned from a little waif to a healthily-rounded four year old.

I generally hate this kind of TV, but try The House of Tiny Tearaways this week (nightly on BBC2 at 8pm). There is a child in the house who refuses to eat anything but a tiny selection of foods. I'm intrigued to see what Dr Byron's strategy will be.

[Hulababy]

I agree there! The terrible 2s were a doddle in comparison to the aruguemenets and sullks of a 3yo! Let's hope the 4s are easier

[polly28]

definately stick to your guns,I have the same rule except for one thing If he complains of hunger he may have a piece of fruit .He rarely accepts,so he must be hungry.He usually has a good bowl of porridge in the morning after this so it does work.

The less fuss the better.

[LIZS]

Ah the stroppy 4's ...

[Issymum]

I agree about 'threenagers'. I think part of food-refusal at this age is about exerting their will, which is why we've decided to make eating as neutral as possible.

[polly28]

he rarely accepts so he must not be hungry

[frogs]

I've done this with all my three, after spending my teenage years helping out one of my aunts who had been conned into cooking five meals to different specifications for each of her five children.

I don't make a fuss about them not eating, but the deal is no alternatives, no fussing, no playing with the food, and no being rude about the food. As they've got older (dd1 now 10 ) I've gently upped the level of insistence, so she knows I do expect her to eat a bit of whatever's on her plate. With ds (6) I will encourage him to eat some, but not insist. With dd2 (nearly 2) I put it in front of her, if she doesn't eat it, that's it.

It is a hard stance to maintain if the child is on the delicate side; dd2 went from 92nd centile at birth to below 9th centile at weaning age, and I did have a little wobble when I knew I'd be getting grief from the HV about her weight. But with the support of my GP I took a principled decision that I wasn't prepared to let her live entirely on Petit Filou yoghurts (which was the only thing I knew she would always eat at the time).

Since making the decision to offer food and remove if not wanted, her eating slowly got better and better. She's still on 9th centile, but happy, energetic and not particularly skinny. She's still quite idiosyncratic about what she will and won't eat, but she'll try lots of different foods and overall has a good balanced diet. I am convinced that if I'd gone down the anxious, fussing, offering alternatives and cajoling route she'd be a Little Angels-style fussy eater and I'd be in the nuthouse.

[jac34]

In our house there is one meal cooked at dinner time. We all have the same and it's eaten at the table. If one of my DS's don't eat it, they are not offered anything else, and certainly not allowed to help themselves to snacks.
So, yes they would go to bed hungry, but they know the rules and chose to eat their meal.
If a child is offered alternatives or allowed to snack when they have wasted their dinner, then whats the insentive to sit at the table and eat a healthy home cooked meal.

[jenkel]

We have more or less the same rules as jac34, one meal is cooked a day, we all eat it and all together. I wouldnt cook something that I know dd's dont like and I expect them to eat it. Which is a bit of a joke as I thingk my 3 year old survives on fresh air alone. So if she refuses her tea that is all she gets, apart from fruit from the fruit bowl which they can help themself to all day if they want, logic behind that is I want to encourage healthy eating as much as possible.

[BudaBabe]

I try to stick to the "nothing else if you don't eat dinner" rule but have noticed that DS (4) has a small appetite. So he can't seem to physically eat all on his plate sometimes. Obviously I now give him less but he is hungry again a couple of hours later. So depending on how he has done with dinner - i.e. had a good go at it - will get a ham sandwich or something similar. If not had a good try it's a bowl of cheerios (no milk) or nothing. If he's hungry he will eat that and it no effort for me! If he goes to bed hungry it's a nightmare!

[piffle]

If my kids do not eat their dinner I assume they are not hungry.
If he eats everywhere but with you Northerner it would suggest a possible control issue?In which case withdraw yourself as much as possible form the scene...
Think you are on the right track personally, I'd be tough I think.

[bee3]

Can I just ask, at what age did you start laying down the law about eating?

I'm feeling v anxious about my ds (21 months). He is generally a really good eater but I've fallen into the habit of making the same old favourites, which he eats with relish, but then if I introduce something new he won't touch it. Same goes if we're eating out, or at a friends.

Recently on a trip away for a few nights he survived on cheese on toast for 3 days as he wouldn't eat the other family's meals (nothing strange - just mince and casserole etc, all of which he will eat at home, but the recipes or 'look' of the dish was different to what he's used to).

I know I should start getting tough, but I still have lingering anxiety over his awful feeding as a baby (took him 6 weeks to regain his birth weight, and he was v v small for ages, although not now).

So...is he old enough to get used to the idea of 'eat what you are given or you go hungry'? Any advice v welcome (and sorry to butt into your thread Northerner, but it seemed to follow the same theme....)

[northerner]

Don't apologise Bee! You could fall into the same trap I did, it was a similar age my ds started being a difficult eater, so I would always give him bread/banana/yoghurt/cheese afterwards, so starts the vicious circle of not eating a meal - they know Mummy will give them something later. This explains why my ds eats at pre school - he knows if he doesn't he won't get anything else. If I could turn back the clock I'd do things differently.

[frogs]

Yes, bee, he's plenty old enough. My dd2 is 23 months, and I've been doing it with her since she started eating proper food (12 months or so). In the end, everything I put on the table is perfectly edible, and if she chooses not to eat it, then so be it. She's never woken up hungry in the night from refusing supper, although she does tuck into her breakfast with extra enthusiasm the morning after. If you're giving in to making him cheese on toast, the message he gets is that it's okay not to eat the food that is offered. If they're hungry enough, they'll eat it.

[bee3]

Thank you both. I do know you are completely right, but it's helpful to have it confirmed in black and white. So....I just need to toughen up then. Right. No more cheese on toast!

[Mercy]

bee3; I am going through the same thing as you. ds 21 months will hardly eat a thing (compared to dd at a similar age), often even refusing his favourite food. It's v worrying

My experience is different to frogs'. If ds doesn't eat his dinner, he wakes up very early (like 5 am) adn this has continued for months and still won't eat breakfast. ds can't talk and doesn't understand no dinner, no nothing, bed.

So no advice really, just sympathy