Dealing with Jealousy

[Bumblelion]

I am writing this from an adult's point of view whereas it is normally quite normal for children to feel jealous - us adults know it is a total waste of emotion and doesn't get us anywhere - nevertheless that is what I am currently feeling and can't seem to break the feeling.

Brief explanation:-

Was with husband 18 years, married for 11, 3 children (currently 10, 5 and 1). I had an affair many years ago, husband tried to forgive me (had another baby), but then decided, last New Year's Eve, that he couldn't ever forgive me and was leaving me.

He finally moved out in September after having spent the last 9 months living in the loft.

He moved in with a "friend of a friend" and was seeing a girl from work (who I know, although not that well).

The Friday before Christmas I found out he has now moved in with this girl from work (and her daughter and her nan - she lives at her nan's house after having left her partner the same time as my husband left me).

This was quite hard for me to deal with - I realise that this is not something he would do without thinking long and hard about it. He is not one to be rash and doesn't rush into things - for him to move into her house this relationship must be serious.

Whatever happens in my life, I just seem to deal with it - sometimes feel a bit sad, but then I realise that feeling sad doesn't make it feel any better and I just brush myself down and get on with it.

Anyway, this morning I got a text message from the ex saying he had booked a holiday to take the kids away. All he mentioned was that it was for 2 weeks and that he would be going 10th August. I then text him back asking where and he said "Zante". The reason I am feeling so jealous is that (1) he is obviously going with the girl from work, her daughter and our 3 children and (2) he is going to a place where me and him went pre-marriage days in 1988.

Jealousy is such a horrible feeling and such a bad emotion to deal with.

I am taking the kids away with my mum and also going to have the two weeks away with my mum when he has got the kids with him.

I suppose I just hate the idea of him having a nice time with someone else who isn't me.

[Tillysmummy]

Bumblelion much sympathy. I understand completely how you are feeling although I haven't been in the situation myself but am predisposed to jealousy. I don't really know what to advise. It's such a difficult one. As Sobernow says though you have dealt with it far more admirably than I am sure I would have in a similar situation.

Although it's painful now and you feel jealous, it will get better. I am a great believer in fate and if it's meant to be it will be so comfort yourself knowing that it's for the best. You will find someone who will make you happy and take you to special places again. You deserve it and I am sure it will happen.

I think Sobernow is right, a bit of rest and relaxation will do you good and you can take the time he is away to really restore your self and relax.

[Bumblelion]

Thanks for both your kind comments. I know that jealous is a devastating emotion, and doesn't get me anywhere. Before Christmas, I felt incredibly jealous that he had moved in with her, and then felt even worse when I found out he had gone out for Christmas dinner. This is something I would have loved to have done, if the offer had been there. I told him (rightly or wrongly of me) how it made me feel and all he said was that he has learnt from his past mistakes and is now going to be a better partner than he was to me. Just makes me feel sad and jealous to realise that I won't be the one to benefit from it.

I know that I will get over this "bad" time and, yes, my kids will have a lovely time with him and also it will be nice to go away for a "girlie" holiday, just me and my mum - time to be totally selfish, lay in the sun all day, go to bars at night. Will be a totally different holiday from the one he will be having, although I would have loved to be having that different kind of holiday with him, but I am not going to dwell on that.

I have become a stronger and better person for what I have been through, and as you say, who knows what is round the corner.

I suppose the hardest thing is that he has moved on and is now having a serious relationship whereas I am not having any kind of relationship, serious or just fun. One day my time will come! (I live in hope).

[Tinker]

Bumblelion - that must be horrible for you. But it's probabaly best not to try to compare lives - "his is doing well and mine's not" And I know that's what we all do but life doesn't work like that, as you know.

Your children will always know that you are their mum and, much as they may get on his knew partner, she'll never replace you.

I wish I could think of something better to say as this situation would eat me up but you would get most damaged by jealousy really.

[Chinchilla]

And maybe he'll be constantly reminded of you, as you shared a happy holiday there!!

Seriously though, you had been with him for 18 years, which is a hell of a long time. It will take a while to get over him. The worst bit must be seeing him because of the children? I think that I would find that bit hard, especially if dh had a new partner. I am so sorry that you are feeling down about this. Don't have any advice, it must be horrible. Keep your chin up as much as possible. You can always moan to us!

[Holly02]

Bumblelion, I can imagine how you must be feeling. I know it's hard at the moment, but if you can look ahead, things may not seem so rosy for him once he's been with her a while. A 'new' relationship is always going to go through that honeymoon phase where both people make a big effort and they do romantic things together, have dinner out etc etc. The thing is that once your dh and his gf have been in this relationship for a while, perhaps even marry, they are going to experience the same types of problems that they had in their first relationships. They will also have have a blended family to cope with (his kids, her kids) and the reality of every day life will no doubt set in.

A few years ago my best friend's dh left her for one of her friends, they had two daughters aged two and five at the time. He moved out, wanted a quickie divorce, then moved in with this other woman and they got married. (She had three children, he has two). Now, a few years down the track, he appears to be unhappier with this other woman than he was with my friend, he has a lot more expense now and apparently he and his wife fight all the time. Not very nice but it just goes to show that no relationship can stay perfect forever (unless you work on it 24 hours a day perhaps!). I know it's hard right now but this time next year, things may look very different than they do now. Best of luck.