Your own personal Hell

(111 Posts)
Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 19:41:05

I intend being lovely for ever so I can avoid my own hell.
In my hell I would walking a vomiting rottweiller and would be followed by a bagpiper playing arrangements of popular tunes. The whole place would smell of hops and broccoli. I would be naked but for a pair of cripplingly high heels (or crocs). I would not have my glasses so I would not be able to see.
What is your personal hell?

Koshka Mon 11-Feb-08 12:42:49

A small room with no fresh air
Nothing to read
ONly a continual track of people telling me how I have dissapointed them for my whole life.
No DS to cuddle
No food except tomatoes and olives.
Being forced to smell coffee
Being forced to to my times tables over and over again and not letting me go to the toilet until i got it right so i pee myself (that happened at primary school)

No DS to cuddle!

Mum1369 Sat 09-Feb-08 22:40:20

Ikea - say no more

kama Sat 09-Feb-08 22:35:13

This is SUCH a terrifying thread. My imagination is far too vivid for this.

Reamhar Sat 09-Feb-08 22:31:43

Being struck suddenly mute on the day that my high-maintenance MIL asks to live with us, and my DH says "yes".

Oh, and standing in a bucket of dead fish whilst it's happening would pretty much cover it for me. grin

I am on Jeremy Kyle where my husband has taken me to inform me that he has been enjoying 3 somes with my sister and best friend and both of them are now pregnant despite him telling me for years he couldn’t have children.

It is then revealed that this has all been a huge Jeremy Beadle style ‘joke’ and actually everyone I have ever me in my entire life is there to celebrate my birthday.

No-one has brought a present.

There is however a large, dry, supermarket cake and a 4 pack of warm own brand lager that we all have to share with no glasses.

To top it all off, I need to pluck my eyebrows.

Vulgar Thu 07-Feb-08 21:59:51

I've just remembered that David Dickenson would also be in my nightmare.

i'm sure I don't have to explain why.

UnquietDad Wed 06-Feb-08 17:28:40

Endless rap/hiphop/bhangra music on a tape loop. Dogs everywhere, salivating and defecating. Reality TV and soaps on all channels. No books. Apart from Jordan type stuff. A cold swimming-pool in which everyone is forced to "enjoy" themselves.

Mind you, though, Heaven would be full of smug Christians. Do I really want to go there? wink

hecate Wed 06-Feb-08 17:26:03

I was thinking about this and realised there would be another bit to mine...

As well as it being an eternal caravan holiday with Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini playing on a loop, only tofu to eat, pouring with rain, me stuck in the van with Richard Madeley, Jeremy Clarkson and Dean Gaffney - who want to play strip poker....I'd have...

The WORST, ahem, intimate itch that I was DESPERATE to scratch, but I'd be unable to sneak away to do it.

Oh, and they'd be farting and the windows would be sealed shut.

This is getting worse by the second.

madamez Tue 05-Feb-08 23:03:39

Actually <gibber> it's being trapped in a room full of polystyrene chips, which are gradually increasing in number and about to suffocate me. My hands are tied so I have to <yelp> chew my way out... oh, the horror, I need another drink now.

snice Tue 05-Feb-08 22:12:07

I am travelling by bus through a non specific South American country with diarrhoea. I am squashed onto the back seat between Paris Hilton who is making a hilarious "slumming it" documentary and Jim Davidson who is trying out his new ethnic material. We have cold tripe and onions to eat using wooden chip forks. There is no rest stop for another 300 miles and I have lost my contact lenses. The bus driver has a very small transistor radio balanced on the dashboard which he tries to tune in as we hurtle round blind bends-he has found a station which is playing the Mini-Pops. I have no toilet paper.

Oh these are just so funny.

F&Z,I don't agree with you about much,but do agree about clowns.They are profoundly evil.

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:32:56

and peter ' that's not fake tan' stringfellow.

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:29:45

can't really get my head around the thing but I do know that my own persoanl hell involves bananas, play stations , jordan and the people who go on the jeremy kyle show. Oh and steps records...bleurgh!

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:26:19

oh dear God I love this thread!!!

Califrau Tue 05-Feb-08 18:21:13

toothache would add a certain je ne sais quoi to mine too - maybe loose fillings and sensitive teeth

DANCESwithaMuffinTop Tue 05-Feb-08 13:34:07

OH GAWD...Janestillhere my teeth falling out is part of mine too and the licking of a wet lolly stick (I struggle holding those wooden stirry things in starbucks <shudder>)

janestillhere Tue 05-Feb-08 13:30:02

I would have to run my tongue over a wooden ice lolly stick whilst stood in snow wearing jeans that are wet up to my knees.
My collar smells of baby barf and I am late for a job interview.
My scrunchie is nowhere to be found and then my teeth start to crumble whilst I am talking.
Then I accidently fart and follow through sad

expatinscotland Tue 05-Feb-08 13:13:55

I've already lived in it.

A pitiful council estate with a downstairs neighbour who liked to get drunk and sing karoke to Neil Diamond and John Denver songs.

MrsMattie Tue 05-Feb-08 13:11:50

PMSL@DaDaDa - very close to my idea of hell, especially the Toploader song

Vulgar Tue 05-Feb-08 13:05:13

am loving that most of these are so . . .specific grin

DaDaDa Tue 05-Feb-08 10:00:43

Stuck in a tunnel on the Victoria Line on a summer day, it's crowded and the person beside me is clicking together/filing their fingernails and Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader is on repeat play over their mobile phone speaker.

AdamAnt Tue 05-Feb-08 09:54:41

I'd be wearing a poloneck made of itchy man-made fibres while pushing a wonky trolley through a very hot shop. Everything I touch would give me a static shock. I would only be allowed to eat wool.

Twiglett Tue 05-Feb-08 09:50:37

ROFL at my presence making hell worse Cali grin .. well thanks a bunch matey grin

(see what you mean though)

littlelapin Tue 05-Feb-08 08:34:44

It would be hot and very humid, with high winds and no elastic bands or any other means of keeping my hair out of my eyes <grinds teeth>. I would be pushing a buggy that made a quiet but persistent "click click click" noise and had a wonky front wheel. There would be a child in it, whinging at the pitch that only toddlers can achieve.

There would be crowds, not looking where they were going, stopping dead at the bottom of escalators and outside shop doors. Many of them would be soap-dodgers or unacquainted with deoderant. My handbag strap would continually slide off my shoulder. My too-tight shoes would be rubbing at the back of my heel. I would have that constant feeling of wanting to sneeze, but being unable to.

The soundtrack would be Jeremy Vine being interrupted by John Humphreys, with thrash metal in the background. And it would all smell of stinking nappies.

posieflump Tue 05-Feb-08 08:20:36

On holiday in a very hot foreign country with 12 'mates' where the toilet is a hole in the ground , there is no air conditioning and we have no money to go out and enjoy ourselves.

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