Don't know where to start with this really but for a couple of weeks I have been feeling decidely miserable!
I have a 2 year old (yesterday!) girl who is adorable but also extremely lively and, quite frankly, exhausting (but what 2 year old isn't). I have a partner who I love and is supportive but has to work long hours and is away about 1 week in 6 due to work. However, he earns quite well, we live in a nice flat, I am able to choose to stay at home with my daughter, we have a nice holiday once a year, we have a cleaner for a few hours a week to iron his shirts as I refuse and so does he, and clean the bathroom, his decision to keep her on once I gave up work so he doesn't begrudge paying her even though I'm at home. He mostly makes it back home by 7pm so he then takes over and gives her a bath, etc, while I start tea.
I feel that I spend every waking moment looking after my daughter, we have no family anywhere near us and all my friends are mums with young chidren themselves so cannot really help out. I have no 'break' from her, we do not go out as we have no-one to ask to babysit and we did try an agency but felt uncomfortable (long story) and have been nervous to try again. My parents have come up three times since my daughter was born, when she was born they came the weekend after for 24 hours and then darted back home as my Dad had to get back to work, the next time they won tickets for Wimbledon and so came up but went out the entire time, and the next time I booked my partner and I into a hotel and they came for 24 hours and literally dashed out the door 20 minutes after we got back! My partner's parents have been twice but at least for a full weekend! I did used to go down to my parents when my partner went away on work as in this environment my Mum is brilliant and sent me back to bed from 7am to 9am every morning which I really appreciated. However, it is now almost too much effort shipping us off down there when he goes away so I tend to get through it alone, literally, absolutely alone.
I find myself constantly exhausted, trying to keep my daughter occupied by walks, a couple of classes (but these all seem to close for the Summer and I'm wondering what the hell to do with all the days), my two good friends both work 3 days and so I don't see that much of them and my other good friend is away for 2 months so maybe I'm just feeling a bit lonely being by myself so much. I just find I'm bursting into to tears for no apparent reason.
The worst thing is I feel guilty really because not many people can afford to stay at home, have a cleaner too (although I do do all my own and daughter's ironing, wash floors, clothes, hoover, unload bloody dishwasher, etc!) and I think maybe I need someone to tell me to stop acting like a selfish bitch and get on with life. When I read back through this I just hate that I sound so bloody sorry for myself when I'm normally an independent, happy person. Where can I get my va-va-voom from?!!
Sorry, I have compeltely rambled here.
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Feeling blue - am a spoilt madam?
20 replies
Janus · 05/07/2002 14:10
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pamina ·
09/07/2002 21:25
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