Christmas debate with in laws

(5 Posts)
user1480358961 Mon 28-Nov-16 21:14:00

First chrismats (Boxing Day at my Inlaws) my daughter is 8 months, prior to this they had already built a massive play house In THEIR garden for her, they knew I wanted to get her one, I did get upset and I was told I was stupid, I just think they should have asked one of us? So, at Christmas myself and my husband made it perfectly clear that they are not to go over board and if they want to buy anything big then they are to run it past us, of course it all fell of deaf ears, £100's worth of gifts and in comes the big box with a rocking horse! Not a big deal to some but these people have so much money they will always out do me and my husband! So, the day after my husband approached them about it and it all kicked off, we are unfreatful, they should be able to buy what they want, why can't they buy her 'first' things...and so on! THEN they tell us that by brother in laws gf tells them all the 'nasty things I say'....this girl used to come to my house and moan about them, she would say some terrible things and although I said thing, I made sure I never said anything bad or nasty, safe to say that friendship stopped there.
The following April, I had my daughters christening, this girl comes along but I didn't speak with her, why would I? (She made no effort to talk to me) then 2 weeks later was my daughter 1st bday, she stated sending my husband the most vile and abusive messages because we hadn't thanked her for our daughters bday present...the night before! 'Everyone hates your wife, it's your wife that's the f'ing problem', wonderful! So that's first Xmas and bday done! I've not spoken with this girl since.

So we get to second Christmas (Christmas Day at my Inlaws). Myself and my husband decide to play the bigger person and take the girl a gift. She didn't come around while we were there, thankfully. The brother in law hands us a lot of gifts for our daughter that are clearly not from him but the whole family play along saying how good he is at picking gifts...hmmmm. The whole day revolves around slowly dished out mountains of presents, that's it! We are the kids so we open ours in the day (I'm 32) and the abults do theirs in the evening (yes I'm serious) I can't breathe, we can't go for a walk without being questioned, we can't get 5 mins to ourselves it's horrendous!
A few days later my Inlaws return the gift from the brother in laws gf, how rude?! When they did this I asked why it's ok for them to lie and give my daughter gifts from her while pretending they are from my brother in law, I hoped they would deny it, but they just said 'we thought you wouldn't accept them'..so they had all planned this stupid idea! 1. I'd never be so bloody rude and 2. She returned our gift!!

These people drive me crazy! My father In law is obsessed with my daughter, we have gone beyond doting grandad!! He doesn't talk to anyone when she is around, he literally just follows her, whe she was smaller she used to get so aggravated by him always being in her face and following her, we used to kindly prompt him but he never listened. We got to a point where she used to cry every time she saw him. I don't think it's fair for people to grab an kiss children without their consent, I don't care about age, all kids have a say over their body, he never respected that and always upset her because he was so forceful. Everything I say he mocks, if I say no to chocolate or sweets he mocks me, he questions everything. He can't even look anywhere else when she is around, can't have a conversation and it makes me really uncomfortable, I actually intervene! I don't mind him playing with her, but she is very independent and he will just steam in and interfere with what she is doing. Can't read the signs when she is getting frustrated. He dominates everything!
She is more tolerant of him now but I can honestly say I can't stand her around him, he is the leader of his family, he has everyone dancing like puppets.
They have never babysat, never offered and I'm so greatful of that! But at times I've really struggled with work, thankfully my mum is helpful! I used to ask his mum at the beginning to help so o could go to physio but she was always 'busy'. I used to ask them to visit for dinner as they would complain they didn't see her enough, the one time they did come they actually bought their own over pizzas!!! My mother in law has never visited me and my daughter without my husband, she doesn't work and is only 35 mins away! It's gotten to the point we see them for a couple of hours every 3 weeks or so! If we are busy at the weekend or if we say we don't want to go to their holiday lodge they demand to know exactly what we are doing both days to justify it! My husband works a lot and I usually work a Friday night so we are quite possessive over our weekends! Again, they chose not to see us in the week unless we go to theirs which isn't practical as its 35 min drive and my husband doesn't get home until gone half 5!
I could keep going and going but I'm at the end of my tether!
The arguments it causes with me and my husband is crazy! That's my fault because I can't carry on like this, I can't switch off to it all!
I've tried asking them to ours for Xmas before and they don't even consider it! My parents do if I ask!
I'm so sick of not settling in one place and the fact that I'm so miserable there I asked my husband if we can do Xmas day and Boxing Day just this year with my family, we are both happier there, both comfortable and I'd just like a year without hassle, oh and I'm back to work on a night shift on the 27th! We suggested that we spend Xmas eve with his family....shock horror...firm no!! My mother in law is just to busy with her veg. It's Boxing Day only! So my husband dug his heels in and said we would visit on the 27th then and again it's all kicked off. The emotional blackmail, texts and it's never ending!
If we back down this is literally the next God knows how many years of Christmas set in stone, same routine, a day that solely revolves around a mass of gifts.
I'm sorry for the rant but I really need some advice!

potoftea Wed 30-Nov-16 07:33:24

At the start of your post I felt you were being unreasonable trying to dictate what presents people give your dd. But by the end I realised that the individual incidents don't matter, its the bigger picture is the issue.
Your in-laws have zero respect for you and your dh and child. You are not equal to them in their view. And this will always be a miserable relationship so. They have no interest in treating you fairly or making you happy or making your life better.
You can continue to do as they order, or you can step back and assert yourself and decide what is best for your family's well being. Being with these people on boxing day doesn't sound healthy for any of you and its not up to you to be the one to always compromise. Invite them to your house, if they come make them welcome, if they don't, that's fine. But equally they invite you, if you don't want to go, that's fine too.
But bottom line, I urge you to stand up for yourself, you can't please these people, so really why bother making yourself miserable trying.
And I suggest you move this post to relationship topic and you'll get lots of replies.

rollonthesummer Wed 30-Nov-16 07:40:58

A few days later my Inlaws return the gift from the brother in laws gf, how rude?! When they did this I asked why it's ok for them to lie and give my daughter gifts from her while pretending they are from my brother in law, I hoped they would deny it, but they just said 'we thought you wouldn't accept them'..so they had all planned this stupid idea! 1. I'd never be so bloody rude and 2. She returned our gift!!

I don't get this bit?

00100001 Thu 01-Dec-16 12:14:18

Go away with just you DH and DD for Christmas.

Go and stay somewhere away from it all and have nice Christmas just the three of you. For example, go on the morning of 24th - come back afternoon of 26th.

See your family on the 23rd, and his family just after on the morning of 27th.

Ignore the emotional blackmail.

00100001 Thu 01-Dec-16 12:17:20

Make sure its somewhere relatively small, so they can't decide to come along too - either by turning up on the day, or by booking a room too!

Better still, don't tell them where you're going (if possible)!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now