no visit from grandmother yet

[threeangels]

I am just curious if anyone feels this is a normal or not normal thing. My husband and I live about 16 miles away from his mother in Florida. Eighteen months ago our son was born. My mother inlaw keeps saying she wishes she could see him and know him. My husband is always telling me she has no money. The problem is she is not poor at all. I know she has money to eat out and go places. But all I ever hear is she cant afford a plane ticket. My mum has told me over and over that it is ridiculous that she has not met her grandson yet. That unless your are that poor you would do anything to get the money to see your grandchild especially one thats a year and a half already. I feel that visiting my son is not all that important to her. Sorry this is so long I just wanted to know if anyone thought that this was abnormal. My husband wont admit that his mum could of bought a discount plane ticket by now. Thanks for any input.

[jasper]

Dear threeangels,
I presume you mean 16 hours away .
Do you think she is waiting for a "proper" invitation from you and your husband? Would she be able to stay at your house ( or does she have to consider accommodation costs as well) if she came to visit and if so does she realise this?

I don't think you can ever make assumptions about someone elses financial situation. Just because she eats out does not mean she can afford a plane trip.
I do not think your mother's assertion that "it is ridiculous that she has not met her grandson" is fair, nor indeed"you would do anything to get the money to see your grandchild" - sounds like there is a touch of competitive grannying going on from your mother!!

How is her health? There may be health issues which would make flying difficult.

Are you and your husband in the financial position of paying for a plane ticket as a gift?

I don't know if my comments are relevant but wanted to convey there may be a side to this you are not aware of.

[mollipops]

Hi threeangels, this all seems a bit sad to me...maybe she is dropping a not-so-subtle hint that she wants you to all go and visit her, and can't understand why you haven't. Obviously, if she is on her own it would be far more practical for her to travel to you but I feel there must be more to it if she hasn't. I agree it is a little unusual. Maybe she has a fear of flying / doesn't drive / is unwell / feels unwelcome etc...or maybe she really isn't in a position to buy a plane ticket. My inlaws are on a pension and what remains of their savings has to last them the rest of their lives; I doubt they would be risking spending any large-ish portion of it on a "holiday" either (btw they live about 2 hrs drive away and we see them every 2 or 3 months).

I'm not trying to make excuses for her but I just feel there must be an explanation for this, especially as she has actually voiced her wish to see him and know him (your ds). Does your dh have a good relationship with her? Maybe it would be best just to ask her straight out next time he is talking to her, when she is coming to visit and that you have a room ready whenever she can make it. Make it clear she is very welcome and you would all love to see her (assuming you haven't already done this of course, which you probably have!) Meanwhile, send her notes and photos of your ds and try to keep them in touch this way...I hope it all works out for you.

[SueDonim]

I think that some people, as they get older, become less willing to travel. My 82 yr old MIL has decided not to come to my son's wedding although she can well afford it, simply because the thought of travel is too much for her. She says she likes to have familiar things places and routines around her and doesn't cope with chagne at all well, nowadays. We are sorry she isn't coming but have accepted it. And I had a job to persuade my mum, who was 73, to go to a family wedding last year for similar reasons, although she enjoyed it when she got there. I think these things just feel like too much effort for some people as they age and maybe, unfortunately, your MIL is one of them.

[Rhiannon]

If she's in Florida, can't you take a vacation down there and visit her? R

[Lizzer]

Yes Rhiannon, to be honest I was wondering the reasons why you couldn't visit her yourselves threeangels? Its a tricky one because I always end up visiting my dd's grandmother on her father's side (we're not together) rather than her coming here (a round trip of over 100 miles). It really winds me up sometimes but I grin and bare it and think that I'm doing the best for my daughter. Some people tell me I'm crazy for putting up with it, but I have tried to build a good relationship with her for the sake of everyone involved and I actually feel better in myself for putting the hard work and effort in. The fact that I'm spending x amount of my low income on petrol while she never gives dd a penny is the most annoying thing, but she treats us to lunch when I visit and dd is really starting to bond with her now she's 2. Maybe you could think of compromising on a visit, threeangels? However I do NOT think its 'normal' behaviour from your MIL by any stretch of the imagination, hopefully you can find out why soon...

[Tillysmummy]

I think it's a little odd that she hasn't made every effort or at least invited you to her so that she can see him ? BTW, if she only lives 16 miles away why does she need a plane ticket ?

[Demented]

threeangels I have been trying to resist posting this but if it helps you feel any better my in-laws live 30 miles up the road (most of it dual-carriageway) and I could count on the one hand the number of times they have visited since my DS, now 3, has been born, I don't think they know how the phone works either unless my FIL needs my DH's help with something (that is generally the only time we get invited to them as well and at that they have in the past been surprised that myself and DS have turned up as well). Don't take it too personally certainly if my in-laws lived in Florida we would never see or hear from them but if going out there is an option I think I would go for that, at least you will have a nice holiday!!!

[threeangels]

Sorry you all I meant to say my inlaws live 16 hrs away not miles. The only reason we have not went down to florida which we would of by now is we honestly cannot afford it. My mother inlaw knows we are having severe financial problems. Otherwise I would like to visit. I dont know my mother inlaws financial situation but I do feel in my heart she could buy a plane ticket or at least she could of been putting money away for one. To be truthful I really dont have a close relationship with my inlaws. This is mostly because she never has much time to even call her grandkids much less visit them. I guess this is why I am somewhat upset. She really does not get involved in their lives much which makes me sad. As far as her health I believe she is just fine. I know I cannot make assumptions on her financial situation I just know shes had plenty of funds in the past because she had taken a vacation with her new husband at the time. This was after my son was born. I know I would visit my new grandchild before I would take a vacation. Or I would do both. Sorry to go on and on Im just frustrated. Thanks for everyones input.

[Rhiannon]

As it is your husband's mother, it is definitely a subject he should be tackling with her. Ask him to try to have a frank conversation with her, inviting her up and perhaps explaining why you haven't been down to her. You never know, she might offer to pay for you to visit her, think of the sunshine!