Adult survivors of abuse in childhood

[sniksnak]

Wonder if any mumsnetters can give me some advice. I was raised by an extremely irrational and violent parent, and it has taken many years to build some self-esteem and discover who I really am as an individual. Now at thirty my husband and I would like to start a family. I am told I am good with children, and definitely have strong maternal/broody feelings, but I'm so frightened of repeating any of my mother's behaviour...I am so anxious that that model of parenting must be ingrained in me. I have never been violent or abusive before, have never felt the impulse to be, but I still worry. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thanks.

[CAM]

Dear Sniksnak
Sorry to hear of your childhood experience. Do you still have contact with your parent? Please do not be put off having children by your fears. There is no reason why you should repeat the behaviour of your parent. As you feel very strongly what was done to you is wrong you will probably go completely the other way and be the kindest mum imaginable.

[Marina]

sniksnak, my mother survived an abusive and neglectful childhood, and as Cam has suggested, she put all this behind her (I can't imagine how hard that was, you can, I am sure) to have a happy marriage and two daughters. She is quite eccentric and always has been but she is a loyal, interested, encouraging mum and together they gave us a secure and carefree childhood. The thing I prize above all (and marvel at) is that she gave us no inkling of her wretched start in life until we were all much older.
You are a survivor like her and you have said, I am not going to do it like this. So you won't! The very best of good luck to you.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[shanti]

sniksnak
I had a similar experience which left me suicidal for many years and I think I was really quite a loon for a long time! And I still have loon tendencies, when tired etc.
I think you are right to be concerned, but the fact that you are concerned shows that you have enough self-knowledge and distance to be able to cope.
I have two daughters, 1 and 3.
The main thing is that there are lots of ways of gaining support as a mother now. There are myriad groups and clubs and activities, and intense feelings are always dissipated when you get out amongst other people. My rule is to get out to the park, rain or shine, whenever things get too much.
You could also try some therapy - I had a very focused set of sessions after my first daughter was born, which helped massively - and make sure your husband or partner is really there for you.
Also friends who will give you quick pep-ups,
not lengthy analysis, are invaluable. I have one friend who I phone and say " I think I'm turning into a witch" and that is enough sometimes, to be able to voice it.
Motherhood is challenging in all ways, but it is also the most fantastic journey,and the love your children get from you and give you will help you too. You will become confident in new ways and develop all sorts of new skills.
good luck !!
Shants

[sister]

Sniksnak, I had very controlling parents that left me anorexic for many years. This worried me deeply when I had my children as I want to get it right. I think that my experiences have actually helped me as a parent as I am always aware of what I went through.
I am very proud of my children and they are very happy normal children, so as long as you are aware of your experiences and can learn from them their is no reason why you would not make a wonderful mother.
Always remember to give them lots of hugs and encouragement, it goes a long way! Good luck.

[JanZ]

Sniksnak - Have confidence in yourself - as others have said, the fact that you know from experience what makes a good and a bad parent means that you will be great!

My Mum came from an extremely dysfunctional family - her parents (now dead) were highly controlling and never forgave my father for "corrupting" their daughter and "turning her against them". They even tried to have my brother and me taken into care because my parents were daring to emigrate. There are still problems between the three siblings as a result of the way they were brought up - for example, Mum's brother is an incredibly selfish and self centred man who does not seem to understand his continued responsibility to his three children (he is divorced and remarried). (My Mum has finally come to terms with the fact that he might be her brother, but she doesn't have to like him - fortunately he lives in South Africa, so contact is infrequent).

However, as a result of Mum's experience, Mum and Dad were/are the most fantastic parents - loving yet giving my brother and I ample opportunities to develop our independence. The only "problem" dh and I now have is that Mum and Dad are so paranoid about "not interfering" that we always have to go to them to ask for help - they rarely come to us to offer/ask to look after ds, despite the fact that he is the long awaited first grandson.

Mum often says that her favourite relative, since she got married, was her MIL (my granny) - who is the most wonderful, warm hearted and generous woman. It is her capacity to inspire love that has been passed on through the generations - and not the atmosphere from Mum's family.

Sniksnak - do you have a role model like that who you can use for inspiration or to give you confidence? What is your dh's family like?

[redwing]

Sniksnak, I totally identify with what you're going through. I put off having a child until I was 34 because I was petrified of making my own child as miserable as my parents made me. Fortunately, I have several lovely friends who showed me that although having kids is not easy, it is also joyful and fun! My ds is now 13.5 weeks old and when he wakes up and beams his little gummy grin at me in the morning, I'm so grateful I got the chance to be his mummy. I look outside of my immediate family for my parenting role models, and remind myself that I Am Not My Parents- I won't let what they did to me ruin this little boys' life.

If you deny yourself the chance to have the child that you want, then your parent is still controlling your life-don't let that happen.

[Tillysmummy]

Sniksnak - as soon as you conceive that child you will love it and be fiercly protective and as soon as you have it you will be so even more. You will adore your child I am sure and just because your parent was like that it doesn't mean you will be. In fact it will probably make you a better mummy because you'll be so determined to shower your child with all the love and care that you lacked from your parent.
It takes a very unusual person in my mind to be a bad parent and not care for their child. It is unforgiveable. Don't let it spoil it for you.
I am sure you will be great.

[Hedgehog]

Sniksnak,

believe me, you'll be just great. You THINK which is more than your parent ever did.

[Alibubbles]

I am very moved by the stories some of you tell of your childhoods, and think, I was lucky, I had a lovely childhood and will not ever take it for granted or as a god given right. I think that you are all very strong people, you are survivors and deserve every happinness with your own children.

Good luck, I'm sure that you will all be wonderful parents in your own right, and will make sure that your children have the childhood you should have had.

Hugs to you all xx

[Shaz30]

i had a very neglectful mother who could't care less about me, as a consequence i was taken into care when i was 9. i was taken into another abusive family where i stayed for nearly two years. when i was 12 i was adopted by a wonderful lady who tried to make up for my lost childhood. i still have nightmares about my childhood and what happened to me. i have three beautiful children who i thank god for, before i had my children i did worry about my mother's behaviour being repeated in me, especially as she had a history of mental illness and was in and out of mental hospitals. however, my husband and family reassure me that i am a very good mother and i know that i am too. i am still insecure and still worry but i know that i am not like my mother and never will be and i am sure that you are not either. good luck with starting a family.

[YumMum]

I too had a very abusive, controlling and violent father. I too was very frightend of being a violent and controlling parent. Sometimes, I find myself feeling very angry at my 20month old, I feel sometimes I might lash out (I haven't) but what stops me (and, I believe, will always stop me) is that I have (first-hand) knowledge of what it feels like to be helpless in the face of abuse. Because I have true empathy for the sensation, I would never inflict it on another (particularly my own child). Perhaps children who've been abused can actually be less likely to abuse, as their past experience gives them true empathy...nice to take a positive from a negative eh....Another thing I don't allow myself to do is get into guilt spirals when I've felt v angry and/or voilent - I know 1) alot of mothers feel like this sometimes and 2) It's not a surprising reaction considering my upbringing. I've had quite bit of therapy (which has - and I hate this expression! - allowed me to let go and forgive my dad) so this has helped alot with my parenting. Hope this helps and take care.