5 years on I was finally ready to formally report xh for stabbing me. During that process I disclosed other abuse that I'd not been able to disclose before, and that lead to arranging an appointment to make a statement about these. It was time and I was ready. Felt really calm until that morning! But that day was yesterday, and I spent quite a while going through the timeline of the whole ghastly mess. All 7 years of of the abusive relationship, listing the assaults that stood out and the occasions of unconsensual sex that stood out. I can't use the word, I expect o will in time but today it's a bit raw.
But it was ok. Gently done and ok. Quite probably because I was ready to go through it all.
Last night and today is different. I have a lot of memories returning. Some I think bother, I should have mentioned that some are just horrid memories to put back in their box. I need a safe place to put them, to write them down so I can function as mum and as myself. This is it, I don't need a response, just need to share it somewhere so the burden isn't all mine right now.
The past 24 hours I've struggled with food/anything in my mouth. I mentioned being told to 'wake it up' and spending ages trying to no response. I couldn't bring myself to say I had to use my mouth, that it smelt and tasted foul and it would be so demeaning on my knees achieving nothing, and being told how useless I was because I couldn't make it erect despite my knowledge that he was too drunk. I forced myself to eat some salad earlier, but feel sick now.
Went for a shower, and it came flooding back how he would tell me how fat and disgusting I was whenever I bathed (no shower back then) I have a phobia of baths for mostly that reason.
There are so many more, I've allowed the box to be opened 
but this is a positive process, I don't know whether anything will come of it, but it's no longer my guilty secret
Other subjects
Yesterday I began making a statement, today I need somewhere safe to park the memories.
ready4anotherdecaffcoffee · 16/07/2014 16:00
Well this is progress, chamomile tea is ok now. Walked the dogs, usually love that as my space. Today lots of not so nice thinking but out side in the sun, in the countryside around the town that has become home, it's diluted.
I'm still slightly surprised how ok and gentle the process was. It was far harder to go through the stabbing, maybe because I was prepared for it this time, maybe the different setting. but it was ok. Intense, lost track of time, but wasn't stressful. Just the memories that have been let loose.
It used to climb on top of me when I was asleep, and I'd wake to find it penetrating me. I was asked how I reacted, and it was so hard to describe, I'd squirm, but couldn't articulate no very easily, partly through fear of his reaction, partly because I would have the youngest dc in the crib beside the bed and partly because I slept on my tummy flat out and would have my face half in the pillow, so was muffled, with his weight above me what chance did I have? And then my body would betray me and react. The shame, even my body wouldn't listen to my head saying no.
And just describing the violence. When you describe several hits to the head as normal, and describe the permanent bruise on your back from the plug socket on the wall he would get me against. That was seriously messed up thinking, that he had brainwashed me to believe I deserved it and was worth no better.
I don't think like that now. The freedom programme, as hard as it was, was brilliant. I've just celebrated 5 years since I fled. I knew nothing of this town, wasn't even sure where it was until I was told the refuge had space for us. Thank goodness for Women's Aid.
I'm not very good at verbally saying stuff. I did see a counsellor, that was before I left, and she was fab, but I do know that time will sooth me. I've emailed my pastoral support lady, and I'm hoping I'll get a chance to meet with her before the dc break up. Not to discuss this in detail, more how I can use my faith to help me heal. My faith has been a great source of strength. Bought me a dp when I was convinced I was done with men! But he's the polar opposite, very gentle and respectful. And he understands that I need him in front of me in bed. Bless him.
So I'm off to my friends, I think in some ways it's better to not be alone with my thoughts, as attractive as my metaphorical duvet. I have an hour long drive, I will put on a soothing cd, or maybe just Ken Bruce. I will wear a smile, along with my new swirly skirt which is a teeny bit big despite the 12 label. And I will keep the shadows in the shadows.
Thank you for listening 
. I'm on my phone so can't navigate back up very easily, but thank you. My life now is fantastic, and happy, which is why I'll stick the memories here. I don't need them interrupting my families happy.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.