I feel soooo guilty sometimes...please let me know Im not alone with this?

[holsareacoming]

I am new to this section and hadnt realised it was here!!!

We have a ds age 5 we are older parents had a mc before ds and abit of a bad preganancy but nothing I wouldnt go through again.

Never really came to a decision only to have just the one, life just went on and we were so enjoying having ds that it didnt really cross our minds, also I landed a perfect pt job that I worked when Hubby was at home on his break.

Now am feelign so guilty when ds onyl has us to play with, is totally bored, wants friends round to play or go to theirs all the time. I look at other friends who have 2 nd even 3 kids and kick myself for not having another soon after.

Im now 43 and so dont think it is an option to have another as the age gap would be quite big (6 yrs).

I just wished I'd planned things a little better

[StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears]

Hi there.

I don't think you should reproach yourself. It seems to me that you did, at some subconscious level, make a decision, in that you felt no urge to have another child. You say that life as a one child family was/is working well for you.

Some of the things you mention can be fixed. Your son, I guess, is at school so you could arrange playdates and teas with other children. There are several threads here about enjoying life with and arranging a social life for an only child.

But if you really want another child, then it isn't beyond all hope. It isn't a doddle having a baby at 43 but nor is it impossible. As you say, the age gap may mean that the children aren't playmates.

Have you discussed this with your partner? What does he think?

[crazycrazy]

I think the tendency is to look at multi-child families and to think it is bliss for the children just because there is someone else to play with. In reality, there can be difficulties such as:

• younger child 'living off' the older child's social life, and becoming shy/less able to socialise as a result. I firmly believe that if I'd not had an elder sister, I would now be more outgoing
• one child feeling inferior to the other for whatever reason, leading to self-esteem issues
• children being categorised by parents into 'this one is the clever one', 'this one is the funny one' etc etc, labels which stick and influence a child's future

-etc etc

Also who's to say that the children would actually want to play together. In a lot of families the older child doesn't want the younger child tagging along anyway

I'm not saying these things always happen by any means, but there are upsides and downsides to all family sizes. Please don't feel guilty

[holsareacoming]

Thanks this has re-assured me somewhat. I think we were enjoying ds and were joyous and so thankful due to prevous mc. Life just plodded along, also had a few problems with him moving to a big bed/his sleep pattern so that tends to put you off!!!

In hindsight I wished we had gone for no. 2 soon after due to both our ages...to start again now I dont think I would enjoy as much although I would be so much more laid back...probably just feeling a little sorry for myself as I know deep down that our ages do play a big part.

We are blessed to have one healthy beautiful ds so I shouldnt regret really.

will gen up on posts about occupying an only child!!!

[squeaver]

Stop beating yourself up.

Lots of people I know with 2 dcs 5 and under spend all their time refereeing, not sitting back and revelling in their beautifully behaved children.

Other people are probably delighted when your ds comes round to play.

Are you SURE he's bored? Isn't that just a projection of your guilt?

[DontCallMeBaby]

You're certainly not alone. We decided to stick with one for a set of reasons, mainly a combination of having had a hard time with conception, pregnancy and DD's babyhood; AND feeling no urge to have another child (I do maintain that if only one of those things had been the case, we would have tried). I found two things helped with the guilt - firstly, I sat down and asked myself was I just beating myself up about things, or was there any chance at all I was going to try for another baby? I realised I was beating myself up, and it was utterly destructive. The other was the passage of time. DD is nearly 6 now, so even if we changed our minds tomorrow we'd be looking at a nearly seven year age gap. That might be cute in some ways, and they MIGHT have each other as adults, but the things I could feel bad about now would NOT change. They would not be playmates. DD would not suddenly stop being shy - her personality is in place, for better for for worse, quite besides the fact I'm pretty convinced she'd have been the way she is regardless.

[coldtits]

My 6 year old is bored all the time, and wants his friends round all the time, and he has a 3 year old brother.

[holsareacoming]

ummm thanks Dont Call me Baby makes sense. i think what has brought it home to me what he said to me the other day - I havent got a lcue where this came from Mummy when you are really, really, really old will you still be my mummy even when you are in heaven!!! Today he said Mummy I love you and will do when you are old.

DS has much older cousins, only 1 Grandparent and only one close aunty so makes me feel sad that he doesnt have many family around him.

i have to stop beating myself up and be positive

[DontCallMeBaby]

Aw, he sounds so sweet.

Hey, I've been meaning to share this one with people on this board for a while. I went to see the author Iain Banks speaking last year. He was asked about his upbringing, and it was mentioned that he was an only child. He said "I had a wonderful childhood, I was very lucky ..." and I thought he was going to talk about his extended family (he was brought up with a lot of cousins around). But no, he continued "... I was loved."

Your DS is very lucky. He is loved.

[amberlight]

We only have the one. We've watched friends with 2, 3, 4 and 5 offspring and seen theirs hitting each other, screaming, smashing each other's things, sabotaging each others' friendships and creative items, and generally being absolute little s*ds with each other. Not all the time, of course, but there isn't a hint of 'better bliss from there being more than one of us'. It's just different.
Children who never get to be bored end up in a worse state, according to research. We all have to learn how to fill our own time and be self-reliant for a bit, and an only child has an advantage from that (provided they still get to socialise with friends and schoolmates etc, of course).

In other words, don't worry. It'll be absolutely as fine as any other number of children.

[Gallievans]

I have one dd, coming up to 9, and over the years she's asked on a number of occasions why she can't have a brother or sister. I totally understand where you're coming from as in our case the decision was made for us - we lost 5, had a bad pregnancy with complications and were advised that even trying again was a seriously bad idea. The guilt I felt was horrendous.

We've considered adoption but have now decided to stick with our only. As the others say - just because there's more than one doesn't mean they'll play together and it can sometimes just make things worse. We simply make sure she has plenty of things to do - Brownies, dance, swimming - and make a lot of play dates etc so that she's got friends over. It's getting a lot easier now she's older and has a wider group of friends as well.

Don't feel guilty - it's taken me nearly 9 years to learn this - because no matter what, you love your ds and he does know that.

[maxybrown]

IT is very very difficult. I am currently battling with similar feelings.

I have sworn a lot of my life "oh no I'm not ever having childrne me" then I met DH and that was that!! We have 1 DS who is 2 and a half.

DH always said he didn't want anymore - I wasn't fussed either way so that was fine. Now I am wondering if we should. It's not even like I am the sort who just loves babies.

Also at the minute, for some reason or another, I keep meeting people who are onlies (adults) and they all say "oh no, please have another"

I am one of three and although my sister drives me insane, I like having a brother and a sister, I like that my DS has an auntie and an uncle.

Also my DS is soooooooooooo easy, good as gold, clever, lovely, good company and so to have another would seem.......I just don't know how to describe it (maybe lots of you here understand) but it would seem odd - when I have this perfect bundle here already.

But I know I am fighting with my own clock and the desire to have a sibling for DS, yet at the same time I canot imagine having another child, it almost feels like a betrayal......how very silly does that sound?

[RacingSnake]

I quite understand the 'almost feels like a betrayal'. I remember feeling like that when we tried (and failed) to produce a sibling for DD. As if we were saying that she is not good enough for us on her own.

[nancy75]

dd is an only child, sometimes i do feel bad for her, but when i think back to my childhood i realise that having a sibling is not everything. i have a younger brother and we have never got on, not as small children, in fact not even now. my brother made my childhood a misery (he would say the same about me) and has spoilt my relationship with our parents. in all honesty the worry that i would love one more than the other, or that they would hate each other is what has made me decide to just have one.

[brimfull]

I know how you are feeling.
My dd was an onlie for 11 yrs until ds came along as a sshock.
She was lucky and had lots fo friends in the neighbourhodd so was not lonely.
ds is a different matter, no little boys around and he misses his school friends on holidays and weekends.
essentially I have two onlies as they are a generation apart although they will beable to support each other as adults.

I think you have to make a conscious effort to get kids round to play -then your ds will have the best of both worlds.

dd says life as an onlie was brilliant

[GenevieveHawkings]

There will be literally millions of children in this country who have siblings and are still bored shitless and want to get away from them and have mates in to play.

They can be the wrong genders, and have little or nothing in common, age gaps are all wrong and sometimes they bicker and fight endlessley.

I have a friend who was pregnant at the same time I was and she was on her 3rd child and I was on my first a(and only). Now her DS (10) is saddled with 2 older bothers aged 16 and 20 who are no company for him whatsoever. He plays with my DS far more than he ever did his own brothers.

My DS (10) is always busy doing something and I'll give you a few more examples from some of my DS's friends - one (also 10) has two older sisters 12 and 15 who are lovely to him but don't want to play with him so he's always bored at home and another (also 10) has one 16 year old sister who literally finds him so annoying she could cheerfully throw him out of the window!