My ds holds back on joining in things at times is this an only trait

[ghostfreak]

Hi
My ds is 8 and I am a bit concerned about him as I don,t want him to become shy.
I have noticed that he can get a bit shy and hold back around other children unless they are school friends that he knows well or a best friend.
If I take him out and its just him and me and there is an activity that he can join in he will not do it if there is other children there as well that he doesn,t know.
I recently took him to the park and there was a couple of boys on the play equipment and he would not go on until they had moved off and it was just him there.
He has been funny like this for a while and it makes me feel quite bad at times as I would love him to be the sort that just mixes in well with anyone.
He is usually okay once he knows someone and is a real livewire then.
Has aybody else found this with an only it feels very awkward at times with him when he holdsback like this as its not possible to always have a friend with us if we go out anywhere.
He just seems to revert into his shell unless he has a mate with him.

[boccadellaverita]

Hi,ghostfreak.

I think it's impossible to know how much of any behaviour is about being an only child and how much is just part of the child's personality (and I'm not going to get stuck into the argument now about how much influence being an only child has on personality - some, but not as people allege, in my view). I've got an only daughter who is the opposite of your son - if we go to the park she just homes in on the nearest child of about her age and makes friends (whether that child is willing or not!)

It sounds to me as if your son is just a bit shy around children he doesn't know. Did he take long to make friends when he started school? Has he had any other experiences - joining Cubs, for example - where he's had to get to know other children? He obviously has friends and is happy and he may well outgrow his slight shyness. Please don't feel bad about it.

Come and have a muffin in tea room. There's normally some relaxed chat and cake-scoffing going on.

[Ivykaty44]

It isn't a trait of being an only - I was and still am an only - I would have been in there making friends as I enjoyed the company and was outgoing, that was the way i was as a child.

my youngest holds back and waits to see what is going to happen before playing (she was always much better if her sister was there for support)

[Mimia]

I think it is just personality. My DD is an only and she will talk to anyone at all, she is only 2.7 but shyness is not a word I would use to describe her, take today for instance, walking around sainsburys and she collars an older girl and says "Hello girl. I'm a girl too. You have Mr Men on your top. Little Miss Chatterbox. I like her, she is my favourite." Whereas my friend's DD has a sibling and I think she is quite shy.

[Gunnerbean]

This sort of behaviour is totally down to the sort of person you are. Some children will grow out of it and some will become shy adults too.

My own son (who is an only child too) is very extrovert and was never been remotely clingy. He happily went into pre school and big school without so much as a backward glance to see where I was and has always joined in all manner of clubs, holiday kids clubs and school holiday activity camps, gone out to play with friends and to parties etc without me without any fuss at all. He has a few friends who are onlies too and they've been just the same.

On the other hand, over the years I've witnessed many of his peers (both with and without siblings) cry after starting pre school and big school for weeks, not want to be left at birthday parties etc and cling to their parents. I also have friends with more than one child who when I've told them that my DS is going to do such and such an activity during the school holidays have said to me "oh I wish X would do that but I just can't get him/her to go".

So, in my expereince, whether a child has siblings or not seems to have no bearing whatsoever on whether (a) they want to mix and join in things and (b) it comes naturally to them or they do it easily.

My next door neighbours have 4 boys and they are so shy it's painful. They're so shy they don't even acknowledge neighbours in the street who they've known for years. They seem to have no friends and only have one another for company, they never go anywhere apart from to school/college and no one goes in and they don't leave the house uless they're with one of their brothers. Their mum is very shy too, although she is pleasant and friendly, so I think it must be in their genes and probably a lot to do with their upbringing and the behaviours their mum may have passed onto them, so for them it might be a mix of genes and learned behaviour too.

[daisy99divine]

Hi Ghost. I am lke your DS and I have siblings (who were no help and laughed at me)

My DS is an only and talks to anyone, everyone, everything, joins in etc without a by your leave

I wish I was as socially easy as him!

I think people are people....

[twentypence]

Ds is nearly 6, an only child and not shy around adults but will take some persuading like your son at the park, swimming pool etc.

Even if we could say it was an only child thing - there is nothing we can do about that is there?

[stuffitllama]

hello ghosty
I wouldn't say this is an only child thing, though I can imagine it is harder when your child doesn't have an automatic "mate" (who they may hate at home!) to give them a bit of confidence so they can go on the swings together.

I think it's natural, and I as a child was very nervous about playing where other children were playing unless I had one of my sisters with me.

I don't think there is anything wrong and it will just take more time. I don't have the advice that the parent of an only might have, but I really just wanted to reassure I think children with siblings would feel the exact same way except they don't have to.

The only thing I would say (out of experience) is that the "go on, join in" thing can be very counter productive and have a negative effect if you are too insistent. I would try to boost his confidence at home or in other ways. Playing football in the garden with him so that he is confident enough to play with children he doesn't know, for example.

Remember how much everything is exaggerated when you are a child? They have nothing else to think about so when a strange kid does something simple like turns away, or looks at you in what you think is a funny way, it all seems huge and you can absolutely shrink inside, even when you are very young and don't know what is going on.

I think he just sounds sweet and shy and it will come.

[bcsnowpea]

Hi ghosty,
I agree with the other posters, I think it's a matter of personality rather than number of siblings.

I just wanted to point out that kids like this (and yes I was one of them) may be "shy", but when they make friends they keep them and are very loyal!

[boccadellaverita]

May I reiterate the invitation to come and have a cup of tea in the tea room? I've put the kettle on.

[amandathepanda]

There's no such thing as an "only child trait" IMHO,

[Gunnerbean]

Absolutely right Amandathepanda.