Do I/Do I not have any more children??

(10 Posts)
katejess2016 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:16:31

So... I have a beautiful 2 year old who I adore! It wasn't always like that.. I had a very rough pregnancy which caused me to internalise of all of my feelings in order to cope... she couldn't come by natural birth so I had a c-section and found myself holding a baby who I now realise, I had not allowed myself to consider would be mine and healthy, I had attended no classed, had not thought about what babies need.. I suffered with PND for 10 months before seeking help, every day for the first 15 months felt like hell and then I got help! I learnt to understand why I hadn't connected, that I wasn't a bad mother and we started to bond.... and NOW... well now I adore her more than words can say! My new confusion is around a 2nd... my husband and I are terrified... we say we don't want any more because financially/practically but I am scared it is a choice based on fear... my medical condition during pregnancy is quite possible to return.. my post natal could return... I adore the 3 of us.. we feel complete but people keep asking 'when' will the next one arrive... is it okay to 'quit whilst your ahead' I am so confused... my head is telling me to have another but my heart is saying I don't want to hurt like that again! Has anybody got any experience of this?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 16-Feb-16 20:23:42

I just have the one. Wouldn't change it for the world. There's nothing wrong with having an only child.

flowers

ifcatscouldtalk Tue 16-Feb-16 20:34:45

Sorry you had such a rough ride. I also had pnd and that aside didn't enjoy the baby stage, add to that the lack of money. I know plenty who said never again and changed their minds but i just couldn't face doing it again. It really is such a personal decision only you can decide. My dd is 11 now and i still get the odd twat telling me to have another whilst i still can, otherwise all is pretty good. Its a tough decision when you have been ill but you will make it work whatever you decide.

Terrifiedandregretful Sat 20-Feb-16 19:44:30

You seem pretty clear your heart is saying no. There's a lot of societal and peer pressure to have a second, especially at around age 2 when all the second babies start appearing. Mine is two too and I'm pretty certain I don't want any more, but I do also doubt myself sometimes so I understand what you're feeling.

CMOTDibbler Sat 20-Feb-16 19:56:33

Yes, its perfectly OK to 'quit while you're ahead'. We did - took 3 mcs before ds and he was prem and not well when born. We decided not to try to have another as we couldn't face that heartache again.
DS is very happy as an only child, and we don't regret our choice

Husbanddoestheironing Sat 20-Feb-16 20:05:48

My DC2 was a surprise after a difficult and traumatic birth first time. I was so scared that I was considering termination. We paid for an appt with an independent midwife to talk it through and this really really helped. It might be worth doing this before you decide finally to stick at 1 DC. I am so glad now that we went through with it and had a very easy 2nd labour, though having a toddler and a baby Is never a picnic! DC2 is 7 now and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Having said that, having a one child family has many advantages and it is your decision. Hope all goes well whatever you decide flowers

lem31 Tue 29-Mar-16 22:53:00

Am welling up reading this thread. I am in a very similar situation- illness in pregnancy plus morning sickness like a b***h. Then dc suffered badly with reflux so in and out of hospital, no sleep, exhaustion and a very rough 2 years. Now dc is almost 3, people keep asking about no 2 inc dh and the idea fills me with terror. Everyone around me has had baby no 2 already and I just can't imagine putting myself through it again. Dh desperate and has suggested he may want more kids over me, so may be prepared to leave if I don't want more. I won't be pressured though. Decision has to be right for everyone. I wanted to see what people thought to 1 child families and it's so lovely to see how many people are happy with 1. So thank you everyone for such lovely posts. They may not have been for me, but were exactly what I needed too. Good luck with whatever you decide. xx

DangerMouth Thu 31-Mar-16 08:18:09

Lem that is a tough call by your dh, l hope you can sort it out flowers

I was really uncertain for a long time re dc2. Certainly when dd1 was 2 the answer was no. But by the time she turned 3 and life was easier l was able to consider the pros and cons with a clear head. For us we decided to go for it but l suffered 2 mc. I now have dd2 who is 6 months and dd1 who is 5.5.

To be honest, some days l think one was so much easier! But dd2 is starting to become easier and dd1 is happy playing with her and finally accepted l can't send her back when she's crying grin

I don't know how old you are but l would say enjoy being 3 (l really did love the easiness of an only) and if you really aren't 100% sure, you can change your mind down the track.

daisydaisychain Sat 02-Apr-16 06:48:51

I would say only have another if you genuinely want to - it is none of anybody else's business. I always feel that the second child does deserve to be wanted for their own sake. Also you are the one that has to go through pregnancy, childbirth, and actually look after the child (with your partner). Not the people pressuring you, not your existing child - you will be doing the work.

stilllovingmysleep Sat 02-Apr-16 23:44:48

Katejess I'm sorry you had such a tough time...

Having said that, having a 2 year old is not easy at the best of times and there will be easier times ahead which may influence you in another direction in the future. You can't predict that. At the moment it sounds as if you don't feel ready to have another child but there's no reason you can't have another in a few years if things feel different (and they may).

I only have one child, not out of choice, and I would say the final and main thing that has finalised the decision / reality of what's happened had to do with my age and DH's age. If you're youngish, then I would say never say never, just be open to both eventualities / for changing your mind either way. Be open. If you're young, there's time to decide / to change your mind etc. No need to close the deal now.

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