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Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum.

Nurseries

Am I being unreasonable - the nursery version

15 replies

meowmix · 14/01/2007 06:39

It seems like my cherubic son is manipulating the nursery staff like a pro. DH has just had to drive all the way back there having just dropped DS off (he'll have been there for all of 30 minutes at this point) because he's telling them he's tired and needs a cuddle. He was full of beans this morning, slept well, is now bouncing around the house, bored because he isn't at school because they sent him home.

Last week they asked us to send him in with biscuits as he'd been saying he'd like a biscuit. He doesn't get biscuits at home, he'll only have got them at the nursery, and he doesn't ask for them at home at all. Is it too much to ask that they just say 'no, Mummy's packed you this fruit instead'???. They have in the past called saying he was 'not quite himself' when he wanted to read a story rather than play football.

Am I being unreasonable here? It seems to me like he has them where he wants them, and they're aiding and abetting his currently intense clingyness by giving in to him. Its not that I don't want them to care about him and whether he's happy but I also know he loves nursery, is perfectly healthy and just playing up for attention.

Any advice Oh wiseones?

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doormat · 14/01/2007 06:47

I see this alot of times where I work.
I think you have to set out a list of ground rules to the staff and explain to them if your ds asks for this, that and the other, the answer they are to give is no.

Time to update the records tbh.
good luck
xxx

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Cloudhopper · 14/01/2007 07:44

Am torn two ways here.

On the one hand, I think it is a good idea to have a conspiratorial chat with the nursery staff and try to have a laugh about it. I'm sure they will be relieved when they realise that you aren't that uptight about the situation.

On the other hand, I think it is quite nice that the nursery are so hands on and have picked up on all these moods/whims. They must be quite caring, and be giving him lots of one-to-one attention, which is a nice thought. What a good nursery iyswim?

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meowmix · 14/01/2007 08:00

It IS a good nursery and we do rate it but... they're picking up on his whims and not trying to encourage him iyswim?

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WriggleJiggle · 14/01/2007 08:04

In my view the nursery are being totally unreasonable. Are they trying to avoid every sort of confrontation with your child?

Talk to them and explain you're unhappy. He is manipulating them. You know he is playing up for attention.

Are they very busy / short staffed at the moment? It it just easier to send children home rather than create a problem with them?

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Cloudhopper · 14/01/2007 08:09

I totally understand - it is so annoying when they fuss too much and keep calling you at work when you know it is just a whim.

I would try talking to them and explaining your feelings about the situation. Maybe talk to the manager or the room leader if you are getting no joy with the staff.

I would rather they fussed too much than too little, but I know that feeling when they act as though the child is ill when you know they are fine.

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gladbag · 14/01/2007 08:16

It does seem as if they are sending home on rather dubious grounds rather than really working hard to make him feel confident and settled in their care.
They may well be thinking they are doing the best for him, especially if they know you are at home, but I'd certainly have a good chat with them, and explain what you've said here. If he is finding it difficult at the moment, and is going through a clingy stage then they need to work hard with you on strategies to help him, rather than sending him home at the first request.

Out of interest, is it a private daycare nursery, or a pre-school session?

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meowmix · 14/01/2007 08:28

Private day-care - and a very good one too! Its a problem because DH was hoping to be able to start work again soon and he won't be able to if this carries on.

He's horribly clingy at the moment (tears if I go to the loo without him kind of thing) but once at school he loves it, doesn't look back. DH said he was absolutely in the thick of things when he left so we're a bit bewildered.

Ugh. Will have to go in with him tomorrow then (not mean mummy by the way just working mummy, means getting us all up an hour earlier). Why DH can't sort this out is a whole other thread!

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pooka · 14/01/2007 08:39

Have to say that I'm flabbergasted that they're sending your ds home for those reasons. Also shocked at the request to send biscuits in.
Of course it'slovely that they are so friendly and nurturing with your ds, but only up to a point - at the moment it seems like they're not actually making the effort to distract him. You don't say how old he is, but he's obviously verbal.

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meowmix · 14/01/2007 08:43

Verbal isn't half of it! Our house is littered with hind legs of donkeys.

The biscuit thing infuriated me as weeks before they were showing DS's lunchbox to another parent as a good example (pasta, fruit, cheese, water, rye bread vs. kitkats, pringles, dinosaur shaped chicken and cocacola).

The tricky thing is I rarely see the nursery staff as DH is the SAHP and does most of the liaison. Guess I'll have to be Mrs Stroppy to Get Things Right again.

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pooka · 14/01/2007 15:57

It'sa positive thing that they're so keen for him to be happy, but I dothink that in loco parentis they should be acting more like parents than friends at times. If that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. I wouldn't want my dd to feel unhappy or sqashed at pre-school/nursery. But I do expect the teachers/helpers at pre-school to maintain at least the illusion of authority.
Your ds sounds like my dd. This morning at breakfast dh and I were just sitting with glazed expressions as she maintained a non-stop monologue for what felt like hours.

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drosophila · 14/01/2007 17:28

How old is he?

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julienetmum · 14/01/2007 21:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Children know who they can play up, my mum had this with my brother at school, he could put on a real act of feeling ill. Of course this was all in the days before mobile phones so it was much harder for schools to get hold of parents.

She ran a corner shop at the time and so if she was called at work she literally had to close the shop to go and get him and lost that days takings which of course was not on. In the end she said that unless anyone actually saw him being physically sick she was not coming.

In your position I think I would set the answerphone on and then judge by the message whether or not it is necessary for you to go in.

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meowmix · 15/01/2007 07:33

He's 3.4, bless him.

DH has been briefed to have a word when he drops him off. DS has been briefed that if he is sent home today then he will lose bike priveleges for the rest of the week. He actually stopped talking for a moment. Then said "but Mummeeeee, if its my bike shouldn't I get to decide that?"

I'm doomed aren't I. He's gone and got logical reasoning from somewhere.

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twickersmum · 15/01/2007 07:51

What is in his records from when he started?
Did you (dh) tell them "i want him to be happy, i'm at home, it's no problem to come and get him" etc etc..

i know i did (nice kind mummy when first dc went to nursery) - and maybe dh is still giving them that impression?

def time to see the staff/manager - not to complain they are pandering to him, but just have a chat to say he is being very clingy etc.. isn't actually unhappy just trying it on. Get them to put together a plan with you - at what stage they will call, what they will try before hand etc.

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meowmix · 15/01/2007 09:10

Actually no - the owner is a sort of friend and she knows damn well that I'm working all hours and that DH is also working off and on. This has all happened when she's been away from the nursery.

He's fine today. His father had a chat with his teacher and then they had a chat with Jamie. But he has an incentive to be good today as he has a playdate later and we're strict about "too ill for school, to ill to go out to play"

I think its partly that the culture here is not to say no to children, especially boys. Whereas I seem to say 'no' to him and awful lot!!