First time nursery and I am Feeling very depressed and helpless !

[AugBaby03]

Hi there

I am planning to send my son to nursery next week and i am just going through this settling in phase now. My 2 year old has had just 3 settling in session but he just hates it.

The first day went very well. I saw him play and left after 20 minutes. He was fine when i returned after 30. He didn't want to go home.

Second day i did something bad !! I just left him inside and came out. HE immediately started looking for me. I shouldn't have done that. I returned after 45 minutes. He was all scared and completely in tears. I felt terrible really.
I took him again for the third time today and he started screaming and saying "no" the moment I entered the nursery. I stayed with him the full one hour and all he was doing was sticking to me and crying for no reason by just 'imagining' I was gonna leave or something.

I am feeling like a horrible mum now. I don't know how to overcome this. I feel like quitting my job. He is just 2. I couldn't see other kids in the nursery crying too. All i was thinking was - I was never brought up like this.. so he doesn't deserve it. I don't know.. please help me. I am having sleepless nights !
No one seems to understand what i am going through... I hope someone here can !!

[haloflo]

Maybe just start again slowly? Is he just 2 or nearly 3?

My DD 2.5 just had her 4th session today. She was fine after I'd left but in tears at the thought of me going.

The second session was actually the worst as she realised what was happening.

Things we have done:

Talked positively about nursery
Talked about mummy/daddy always coming back
Left her for a short time whilst elsewhere in the building.
Done 2 morning sessions so as to encourage her to settle. Also not too tired.
Stayed at the session for a while until she is playing but always left for a while so she knows that is what will happen.

Good luck its hard work this and heart breaking but it will be ok and worth it xx

[laughingeyes2013]

Your first session sounded perfect! Luckily the second session was not his first experience of nursery and at the age of two they have such a short memory, I am sure he will get used to the idea very quickly again.

I remember studying child psychology and there was a theory about separation anxiety where the thought was that the closer you nurture your child, the more secure and relaxed they become to leave your side and explore the world.

Certainly I found this to be true with my 2.5 year old child starting nursery. You're lucky to be taking him to the nursery where they allow parents to stay and settle in the children. The nursery my son is now at does not allow this, they have a policy of leave your child at the door, because they think this is best and the children very quickly get used to it apparently. Because my son felt secure he would always ditch me at the door anyway, so I never had that struggle of children clinging to me. I don't know how mums cope with this though, because it would rip my heart out! I know everyone (accurately) says that children stop crying within seconds of parents leaving, but that separation is in the parents mind all day long, and is an awful transition. At least you don't have to go to that because you're allowed to stay!

I am sure that if you are seen by your son to stay with him often enough, he will very soon get used to the environment, and then not look to have you there the same way. Just like his first day.

I was always told never leave a child without saying goodbye, but that equally how you say goodbye is vital. My 2.5-year-old hated shopping, so I would say I'm just off to the shop, so you play here, and I'll be back in a while. He almost looked relieved!

[AugBaby03]

Thanks so much both of you. I feel so relieved now. After reading your posts I feel there is some ray of hope left.

@halofo: My son has just turned 2, I will certainly do the things you did and keep you posted.


@laughingeyes2013: I can undertsand what you are saying but I know my son didn't stop crying the moment i left. I could see him in the cctv, the entire 1 hour or so he was crying and moaning and sulking ! I hope his 4th session goes well. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again
xxx

[haloflo]

When is his next session? We had a hard goodbye buy another good session today.

what do the staff do to calm him? my DD responds best to being allowed to make a fuss but able yo see fun stuff happening. after a while she calms and trots off to play. Some might do better with cuddles and more direct distraction.

I rang my nursery in tears after DDs first week. They were so kind and helpful. hope yours are too x