Sensitive issue - friend had triplets - one baby was stillborn

[Lmccrean]

Im gonna have to make cards - I cant find any suitable, but Im so confused about what to write. I want to be cheery for the two who survived but acknowlege the third (not yet named) She is in the US so I cant be there to help out physically. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And are they twins??, or are they are two triplets? (Ill not mention either way, but I just wondered...)

Sorry for my ignorance

[Marne]

A tough one, i would look at them as twins, though the parents will be upset that they lost one im sure they will be trying to look on the bright side that they have 2 healthy babbies.

[flumpybumpy]

I would say two triplets, the other baby did exist just didn't survive. It was once alive so therefore they were and still are triplets. If the thrid one had died a few days/years later they would still be two triplets.

This is a hard situation for you, I'm sure you will find the right words.

FB x

[allgonebellyup]

yes i would say 2 triplets, rather than ignore the fact that one of them existed.. i think?

[aloha]

Oh, that's really hard. I would send one card saying congratulations on the birth of her lovely triplets/children, and then underneath, say, we/I'm so sorry we will never get to meet your third beautiful baby son/daughter. I will think of them often, and would love to see pictures of the babies - that sort of thing. I know my friend who had a term stillbirth wanted people to acknowledge her baby as a baby and their son even if he never breathed, and regards him as a brother to her other three children.

[Lmccrean]

thanks ladies. shes blaming herself because she was so stressed about having triplets - had several times that twins would have been more than enough to handle

shes quite religious, and I was thinking of a wee angel/cherb necklace for the third - tacky/insensitive?? I want to get something, since Ill obv be buying for the other two.

[aloha]

Think that's a lovely idea. You could say, if that's your sort of thing, that you will pray for the third baby. Might be worth finding out if they gave him/her a name.

[flumpybumpy]

Thats sounds like a nice idea. I'm sure the acknowledgement of the of the baby that passed away would be appreciated.

She carried and felt all three of them so they are all her babies and the loss and grief combined with joy and happiness must be unbearable.

What a thoughtful friend you are

FB x

[snowleopard]

I had a similar quandary when my cousin's baby was born at 26 weeks after a pre-eclampsia emergency and they were told to prepare themselves that he might not live. I wanted to be positive but it was an awful situation. I wrote one card that I then felt was a bit too focused on the negative, so did another saying congratulations on the birth of your wonderful son etc and welcome to the world baby xxxx - just as I normally would - and then put thinking of you at this hard time, wishing you lots of love etc. I was told afterwards that they appreciated getting a positive card as a lot of people were more doom and gloom about it saying you poor things, the poor little mite etc and all they really wanted was to celebrate his birth. (He did survive.) I think the same may be true here - it is congratulations on the birth and all three of their triplets, and you are so sorry about the loss of x and will look forward to seeing them all soon, or similar.

The baby who died is still and will always be their baby too.

[moljam]

id say 2 triplets also.i think your ideas sound lovely and you sound very caring.

[Peachy]

I would say exactly what Aloha suggested, tbh

And triplets definitely, the third baby was ery real, especially to her aprents

[gess]

necklace a lovely idea; and definitely triplets.
I have a book of comfort words, which can be nice to write. Here's one example from Emily Dickinson

'Unable are the Loved to die
For love is immortality'

There are other longer pieces as well- and ones for a child born dead. Let me know if you want me to type out some of them.

[Lmccrean]

Just got email back from friends husband and they have named the two surviving girls with their sisters name as their middle name. Friend wont leave hospital until the funeral on tuesday, as she wants all three to leave together.

[Peachy]

Poor family, my thoughts are with them X

[Lmccrean]

gess, thats a lovely one. Hes ok'd me getting necklace and wants me to get matching ones for the two girls for when they are older, and one for kate to be buried in. Would be nice to have something, maybe slightly longer, that I can put in as a message with the gift, since Im gonna have to order off net in US to get them there in time for tuesday.

[MarsLady]

They are 2 triplets.

As a twin mum if one of my babies had died and not been acknowledged I would have felt more pain.

She gave birth to 3 babies. Sadly only 2 lived. And ditto to what Aloha said.

I'm so so sorry for her loss.

[gess]

OK - a couple here from the book- some are very boyish, but here's one by Elizabeth Jennings

What ceremony can we fit
You into no? If you had come
Out of a warm and noisy room
To this, there'd be an opposite
For us to know you by. We could
Imagine you in lively mood

And then look at the other side
The mood drawn out of you, the breath
Deafeated by the power of death.
But we have never seen you stride
Ambitiously the world we know
You could not come and yet you go

But there is nothing now to mar
Your clear refusal of our world.
Not in our memories can we mould
You or distort your character.
Then all our consolation is
That grief can be as pure as this.


Hmmm I like the next one by James Russel Lowe although its boyish- perhaps He coould be changed to She

He seemed a cherub who had lost his way
And wandered hither, so his stay
With us was short, and t'was most meet
That he would be no delve in earth's clod,
Nor need to pause and cleanse his feet
To stand before his god;
O blest world- evermore.

Or this one by Ben Jonson (I like this one)

it is not growing like a tree
In bulk, doth make Man better be;
Or standing long an oak, three hundred year.
To fall a log at last, dry, bald and sere:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May
Although it fall and die that night;
it was the plant and flower of Light
In small proportions we just beauties see
And in short measures life may perfect be.


My favourite one is a Robert Frost one, I used it when a friend lost a young child. From memory so may be worth checking via google

Natures first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subside to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

[Lmccrean]

thankyou soooooo much for those - I love the last one best too.. I really appreciate the time you took to write those up for me, you are very very kind

[gess]

Lots of love to your friend

[Marina]

Definitely triplets. So sorry the third baby died, Lmmcrean I think cards for all sounds like a lovely idea.
We had the Elizabeth Jennings for our son's funeral gess. All of your suggestions are great but that one always strikes a particular chord for me.

[Monkeybar]

So sorry for your friend's loss - how very sad. I have no idea where the following poem came from, but I heard it at a friend's funeral for her young daughter

Softly the leaves of memory fall
Gently I gather and treasure them all
Unseen, unheard, you are always so near
So missed, so loved, and so very dear