Help! I'm about to leave home

[devondoris]

At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I think I want to leave home. Had enough of tidying, clearing up, washing, washing up, cooking, and looking after children. I seem to be cooking almost every hour of the day and evening, There is crap all over my house because I seem to be the only one with the ability to tidy it up, and my poor little DD is the one to get it in the neck because she's naturally been playing with her toys and hasn't put them away. There are boxes of files, piles of papers which are DH's just left lying around, and there are clothes which the boys have grown out of everywhere. The floor's filthy partly because I don't seem to find any time to hoover it, and I haven't managed to clean it for about a year. DH brings home lots of manky old vegetables from the shop and leaves them in various plastic bags or boxes and looks hurt when I haven't used them all up - he doesn't really like soup or vegetarian food, so how he thinks I'm supposed to use them all is beyond me.

My poor DD is not getting what she should from me, and I hate that our relationship has changed and that she's not my little girl anymore, because she has to be a responsible big sister.

I don't have any time to myself with quiet-time and peace - once the kids are in bed at 7.30 DH has the TV on and even if I sit in the other room I have to put my fingers in my ears and drum my head with the rest so I can't hear it and so I can concentrate on a book.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I feel horribly ungrateful, because the twins are a dream really, I do get enough (just) sleep, they eat like small horses and are generally very good-natured. Not much more you can ask from babies. DH works really hard in the shop, but doesn't manage to get home before bathtime most nights, and certainly doesn't actually do bathtime. I often find I get on better when he isn't coming home because I'm not already cross that he isn't pulling his weight with the kids. If I try to talk to him about his behaviour with DD he has a go at me for criticising in front of her. I try really hard not to do that, but occasionally I don't want her to lose it as it's nearly bed time so I do say something, in what I think is a nice way that doesn't undermine him. He then gets angry with me and takes it out on her. So then all she wants is me. And then I get to thinking that actually I have brought her up pretty much on my own for the last 4 years and so I do know her better than he does, so why shouldn't I stick up for her and ask for a bit of respect for her thinking.

So there he is, thinking he's working really hard and deserves to sit down when he comes home, and that it's OK to leave stuff around, and for me to tidy up, cook dinner, do the baths, put the babies to bed, etc, and there's me thinking that I've worked really hard all day too, getting the children up on my own, getting DD to pre-school having eaten breakfast and got dressed, possibly doing some paid work, collecting DD, making lunch, doing bottles, making supper, maybe a quick trip to the park, eating supper, changing nappies, etc. None of which I mind doing particularly, except when there is no help later and no conception that it's bloody hard work!

And I go to salsa on a Tuesday night, and every week the house is exactly as I left it before I go. So I tend not to get to bed before 12.30 because I have to do all the chores for the next day. Last week it was 1.15. If I don't do them we don't get to school on time.

Phew. So there's that off my chest. Any suggestions anyone? I'm not happy! And now I have two howlers who need their bottles because Mummy's ignored them for too long cos I needed some sanity time.

[Swizzler]

can you hire some help? A cleaner for a few hours a week? What about those services where they come in and blitz the house - you could have a good clear out at the same time. I know I get stressed if things aren't clean and I have 1 baby and a small flat!

Re your DH, sounds like you need to talk to him about how you're feeling and what you expect from him.

[penmack]

oh devondoris it sounds like your having a rought time! i dont think you are unreasonable to ask you dh to help a little in the evenings. everyone needs a little time to themselves just to have a sit down and a rest. try telling him how you feel and asking him if he could try to help out a bit more (perhaps just doing the washing up would be a start)

[Mum2FunkyDude]

At least one thing is for sure, THEY DO GROW UP! I take Saturday mornings for myself, meaning I leave the house, go shopping or something, the house is in the same state when I get back, but I feel better.

I always bring out the hoover when dh is looking after ds, as ds only wants to play with dh on weekends and when the hoover is out he wants them both so the hoovering gets done!

I start supper most nights just before I do the bathing, when dh comes in, I quickly tell him, I've prepared xy, please do z, by the time ds is in bed and bottled, supper is ready, and then I pour the wine.

In the mornings I wait til dh takes his bath (don't have a shower) ds likes eating dh's muesli (which dh has in the bath) so while ds is occupied I quickly unpack the dishwasher and repack, or pack the washing machine (which I do not unpack until ds is asleep as he keeps pulling the clothes of the line).

So, my house still looks like a hoar's handbag, but I do not feel guilty as the main things are taken care off.

[glamourbadger]

Despite your twins being easy Doris they are still twins! I seem to remember yours are still quite young and the first year is incredibly hard work, doubly so with an older DD. During the first 6 months I used to HONESTLY consider getting run over on the way to the shops so I didn't have to return home!

Sounds like you need a jolly good clear out. Set aside a day when DH is free, get someone to look after the kids and clear all the clutter - hire a skip if you have to! It's impossible to feel relaxed in a messy space - I find it really adds to the stress.

After that can you afford a cleaner like Swizzler suggests? It's a luxury we struggle to afford but I would rather go without clothes or nights out to have the house cleaned and tidied every week. When our cleaning lady is away the house desends into a pit as I just can't keep on top of it on my own.

If Tuesday is your night off then you deserve the whole night! Leave your DH a list of everything that needs to be done. If he fails to do them then make him deal with the fallout the following day! He'll only have to deal with it a couple of times before he'll get his act together

[Kelly1978]

aww dd, it's not like you to get frazzled. Like glamourbadger said though, they are still twins and it is hard, so don't feel bad. I agree, you need a bit of respite now and then. I'm not sure how old yours are now, but couldn't you maybe work a few of the hours in the shop, and dp stay home with the kids? That way maybe he would appreciate your hard work a bit more, and you would get some adult time away from the children.

[lesliephillips]

oh DD I remember feeling just like this when my DTs were about the age of yours - and that was without an older one to complicate things and before we got the dog DH has now been licked in to shape and is much more useful - bathtime is always daddy time for a start Also I found going back to work 3 days a week saved my sanity...

[Leoladyofleisure]

DD, you always seem to together and strong that you have been a big inspiration to me and you always give fantastic advice which has helped me so many times so I feel a bit of a fraud trying to give any back to you, however.... the most important thing you said to me was to make sure that I had enough help organised before the dts were born and right now it seems that you don't have enough help. The help needs to be a long term solution not just for the first couple of months.
your dh should be doing more but its going to take time for him to understand, change his behaviour, get more involved and get him to take more responsibility and it sounds as if you need instant quick fixes.

Someone to clean for you would be an instant relief.
Can you put the dts into a nursery or with a childminder for a couple of half days a week so you have time for yourself and for your dd? This would be something guaranteed without relying on friends or family.

Huge sympathies that your relationship with your dd has changed, I feel as if I hardly know my ds anymore, but he isn't really suffering like your dd as he has a fantastic relationship with dh.

Another idea, I get really fed up when dh goes to the supermarket and buys stuff we can't use and end up throwing out so I do a menu plan and write a very specific shopping list for him. Try to get your dh to do a menu plan with you so he knows what he can bring home, also maybe stick a box by the kitchen door and instruct him to put what he brings home in the box so it doesn't lie around in plastic bags.... in the meantime work on a longerterm plan with your dh to work get him to buy into how he can help more.

...If all else fails then leave home at least for a couple of hours for your own sanity!

DD you are fantastic, and I know you are coping incredibly well and you can't do any mroe than you are doing, but you can't do it all alone!

[Twinmummyx2]

Awww devon, you are going through a tough time. It happens to all of us....a good cry on occasions helps me...not necessarily because i am sad...just a good way of getting aggghhhh's out of your system.

I think glamours idea was great about trying to get a day when a minder or DH to have the children so you can really blitz the main living areas. And then keeping it simple. There are not a lot of households containing twins that have been dusted etc every day. I find in my lounge too many toys get brought down and it ends up looking like a nursery. So lots are upstairs now, so it is easy and quick to tidy. Anything you don't need-put away until children are older..ornaments, too many pictures/books around.

I bought 2 huge wicker baskets for all the everyday clutter so at least it is all in one place and with a lid, no-one sees it!

DH must help you too. He could be reading your DD a story before bed time rather than watching t.v....that is a relaxing thing for him to do with his child if he is that tired. If you turn the telly off whilst there are still jobs to be done then that will motivate him more. I find that with my DP.....he can get lazy and then a routine sets in for him. Agree to take distractions (t.v..comp..etc) away until all jobs are done.

Remember that the children grow up fast and they won't be that little for long, so enjoy them and put you and them first. They will remember that more than whether the house was always tidy. You'll have plenty of time for all the chores later.

Hope you are feeling better soon.xx

[devondoris]

You are stars! Thank you all for your support - don't think I would have coped this far without MN.

Am feeling better today - I've started clearing the old baby clothes out - bagged and photoed to put on MN as it's quicker than ebay. So anyone needing 0-6 months boys' clothes...

I've had some help with the cleaning up til last month, but to be honest I find it hard to ask someone to clean around all the mess. As soon as the last week's box is moved you find all the dust collected behind it. I'm really not a fussy person about this kind of thing - I cleaned my kitchen floor last February (that's 2006!) when I was in early pregnancy because I knew wouldn't do it again for months. It's slate so you can only the grubbiness if we wear pale socks! ! And I don't have a problem with that. again! So I don't mind whore's handbaggishness so long as it's moved from time to time.

I also find it very difficult to talk to DH about stuff - he works really hard, and he is rather sensitive to what he perceives to be criticism! So if I ask him to help, he thinks he's doing lots already by working so hard, and if I ask him to clear up he takes it as criticism. Can't win. Also, we've only recently started living together again - he's been working in London for the last five years and only moved back home at Christmas, so we have quite a delicate little flower of a relationship at the moment while we get back down to partnership again. And I hate rocking the boat.

I've got the wicker baskets! Four of them! Full! Overflowing!!! DD and I went through her ones the other day to tidy them up and see if there was anything we could dispense with. I have a hoarder daughter, so nothing that can go with her knowledge unfortunately. She keeps asking me about a couple of toys that I gave to the charity shop about a year ago - she's only 4.5 now!

The childminder idea is good too, but I don't have any cash. I'm only just meeting my personal bills and I don't have any spare and I can't ask DH because I feel so guilty asking and I feel like a child doing it, and he always looks slightly pissed off when I do - don't think he means it and these feelings are my problem not his - family history stuff - but it makes it really hard to ask for money. So I'd be asking for cleaner money and childminder money... Can't do it! Also, he wasn't sure that we would be able to send the boys to pre-school at 2.5 yrs because we'd have to pay for it, so I've had to save the last money I earned doing curtains last year so they can go early, but as they're only 6 months it's a while away. Knowing how I felt with DD at 2.5 years I feel that's more important to do then than use that money now while I know I don't have the opportunity to earn much more at the moment.

Oh god, I know it's pathetic not to be able to ask your own DH for cash and help, but I do find it so difficult to do. We've become so independent of each other, and we've both got on with everything by ourselves so now it's really hard to come together to talk about difficult stuff without it sounding wrong. I'm a prickly bugger as well, so it doesn't make it easy for him either.

Leo and Glam - thank you so much for the wisdom! I know I've got to bite the bullet and discuss with him these things - money, childcare, home help, parenting. That's most important last!! Ooops, and forgot partnership! I do the shopping list for him - as we own a shop it's fairly easy for him to do the shopping if I tell him what we need, and that definitely helps. I think my problem is that I think he always feels put upon when I ask him to do something. That's a bit of clarity - thank you for getting me there! (This is like going to a counsellor .)

Thank you all. You are life-savers. I am feeling better than I was, and I'm beginning to get started on clearing the house a bit which helps. Just go to face up to the responsibilities of being in a marriage with children now...

[MilaMae]

Hi Doris
I'm happy to pop over one morning with Millie and sit with the boys whilst you get on with some jobs or I'm quite happy to help. We live in constant chaos so I'm pretty sure it would be home from home. Just cleaned the loo as we had friends round today. I won't tell you my calculations of when it last got done!!!!! It's now blocked with loo paper as I caught 2 of them apparantly"cleaning it "but actually just filling it up with loo roll.

[devondoris]

thanks MilaMae - that would be fab. Just to catch up on selling clothes would be good, then at least they'd be dealt with. Can i get your number via our mutual HV friend? If that's OK with you I'll be in touch asap! I really appreciate the offer. Obviously I'll always be happy to return the favour any time - and DD would love to play with Millie!

xx

[milge]

dd - My sympathies. When my dt's were born,My dh had a stark choice - help after work, either do washing orironing or cooking or shopping or cleaning, or work harder to pay for a cleaner and half a day a week childcare for me. When my dt's were 8 weeks old, he realised he was not cut out for domestic duties, and dutifully found £30 pw for a cleaner and £30pw for childcare. I saved this up and put them in the creche at the gym, one day a fortnight so I could have a day to myself, have a haircut, legs waxed etc. It genuinely saved my sanity. You don't need to ask your dh for the cash, he can pay the cleaner direct!

[MilaMae]

Helen(charlie's mum has got my number too). Just tried to buy some glasses with 3 in tow. God knows what I've ordered. Dreading picking them up- could be a very expensive mistake but hey at least I'll be able to see!!!!