Mumsnet Talk

Um...so your only criteria is that she must be white? Sorry its very naive to think that you will have a strong relationship if you find a 'white woman'.
If you really want to find a partnet of any race, get out and start dating.

Hi all,

Thought I was the only one in a messy boat. I have been with a british born bangali for 12 years, not married yet but Inshallah this year seems to go smoothly without the bumps..too soon to talk I think. He is amazing and wouldn't change the fact that I love him. His family - well some members of his family are all sweet and I get along well with his younger brother and sister. Some members including the extended family have been like ''you sure about what your doing'' I mean would I and him have wasted 12 years just to take a little ride then go and marry someone else...I mean please people need to get real.
We can't change how we feel and how perfect we are together. I am white, but Muslim..Converted 3 years ago and woudn't have done it diffently, I am happier now as a muslim than when I was cathlic. My mum doen't get along with him and hates the fact I have changed but hey it's my life and this is what makes me happy. I am yet to meet the rest of his family and really scared to as I am not sure how it it will go. In all honesty I have really wanted to let him go just to make it easier for him as he is now coming onto 32 and the marriage has been put to the side because of me. We should be married already instead we are continuing living in sin just because of the race issue. Life would be easier if poeple just put these issues to the side and let the compatibility of two poeple be the importance. I don't see anything wrong with mixed marriages so long you are happy and both parties respect the others religion/culture. I wish all of you the best with your marriages, may it be a blissfull, happy one for the rest of your life.

Hi MyCatJeremy,
No, absolutely no chance of reconciling. My father is incensed by my dishonorable behaviour and has stated my death is now the only option. He doesn't know I am married, or a mother. He would harm my son, as he is evidence of my dishonour. This is so medieval, I cannot believe I am typing it! But this is highlights why I did not feel able to remain in the family unit. There was no discussion, only obedience.
I changed my name when I left my family to prevent them from finding me. I like to think one day I will see my brothers again, but I wonder if they can forgive the heartache I have undoubtedly caused our mother.

hello there fellow members of this forum,although this is based for mum as such, i stumbled across as i am in such a big dielema, althou im sorry for jacking this thread but i am a bangladeshi boy, born and raised in the southwest of england...Now i have been with my girlfriend for 4 years or so, well we broke up two weeks ago i am heartbroken, only reason why we broke was because of my parents, she didnt know how to tackle the issue, nor did i, i was too scared(basically being a coward) but now i want her back in my life so we can work this out..

before all this happened we spoke about marriage and things like that, we both love each other, i often see her go by me i can see she's not happy and nor am i, i just dont know how to show my parents that she is the one i want, the only special women for my life, i have never felt this way about a women, oh by the way i am 22 and she is 20

oh i guess i should say is that she is a christian british women, but technically she is also scottish as she was born there first and then moved to england

anyone who can give me some, light i dont want to loose, the love of my life, i got to know her, and she is in my heart, we both start to cry eveytime we see each other

seriously i really need some advice here

Hi Mabs27

I am so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I was in a similar position some years ago.

I am Indian and had been with my white boyfriend for 2 years. I was too scared to tell my parents until he told me he couldn’t live like that anymore. He understood my predicament and was not forcing me to say / do anything, he just needed to walk away as he couldn’t take anymore.

It was this jolt which made me realise that I didn’t see a future without him which meant I had to be strong and tell my parents about him.
It wasn’t easy and initially there was a lot of ‘what will people say’, ‘its us that will have to hear it’ ‘you can date til you get it out of your system’ ‘we don't want people talking badly about our family’ ‘who will marry your younger sister’ ‘who will marry you after people find out about this’ but gradually over time I worked his name into more and more conversations and he even started coming round to our house for dinner.
2 Years later we got engaged and then started breaking it to the extended family, yes there was a lot of shock and comments but they got over it.
2 years after that we got married and by this point everyone was more than happy for us and everyone, bar none, came to the wedding.
2 years later we had our first child, which non-one batted an eyelid at! and by this point my family seemed to prefer him over me!
3 years later I am pregnant with our 2nd child and it all seems a lifetime ago!
We are very happily married and ALL my family adore him! I don't think they even see his colour / language barrier anymore.

So don't give up! If this girl is who you want to be with, you need to speak to your parents and be honest with them about how you feel about them and her. Explain you don't want to have to make a choice (but will if you have to).
It will take time, but if you really want this, you have to persevere.
My marriage is living proof that Love and time really do conquer everything!

Hi Halzer

My MIL lives near Ilford. My husband is Bengali (British born) and I am mixed race (Anglo Indian and English so fairly European)
I'm keen to hear about how you found learning Bengali! I'm learning as my husband doesn't speak much Bengali and we go to India quite often.
Hope to hear from you.

Now37

thank you for the advice mum2pea, seems like your the only one who anwerd my question, but iv lost her now, but shes always on my mind, been trying to talk to my parents and tell them that, im only happy when im around her or that i really dont want too marry anyone else but her, they dont want to listen at all

but in other respect i dont want too loose my family, just want them accept that i found the women i want to marry and be with

I am an Indian female who was in a 9 year relationship with a Sylheti guy from East London. He has a very successful career and a known figure within the Bengali community!

I went to Bangladesh on 2 occasions and we brought his mother to the UK to live with us indefinitely as i saw straight throught his relatives in Bangladesh and his mothers health despite him sending 500 pounds a month to Bangladesh since we have been together!

I am not muslim however me and his mum got on like best friends and i even was able to smoke infront of her as she knew i was smoking in the bathroom when she first came over. She even used to come to the toilet with me for a chat and she used to have a fag too lol

Anyway in less than 12 months i was speaking proper Sylheti and this was only down to her and our relationship, whenever i didnt understand anything she'd take her time and explain so i would understand.

Anyway due to matters beyond my control we split after 9 long years together!!

However we are both still friends and i doubt we will ever stop loving each other, however i dont think we will get back together and that is a shame....

I am more Bengali than Indian and its so funny....

Hiya everyone. I'm married to a Sylheti Bengali as well. I converted to Islam 9 years ago, a long story but the main push was because my FIL disowned my DH and it was breaking my heart to see him so upset and tormented by it. I didn't want him to have to choose between me or his family and so I converted on my own accord, through a local mosque and their new Muslim project. We have been married now for 8 years and have a DS age 6 a DD age 3 and are trying for number 3. My FIL came around after the wedding and we see his family every weekend. He also is one with a very large extended family! We have been to Bangladesh twice now and I loved his family out there and how welcoming and loving they were to us. Beware Moondog of being a kidnapping target though if you visit the same
part of the city more than once... My life is rich and fulfilled by my new experiences and yes, it has been tough at times, but I thank Allah for giving me such a wonderful family!

I love this thread, its really interesting to read. My in laws drive me up the wall, but so do my own family and talking to my English friends who are married to English partners, being wound up by your partners family is normal!

hey, im scottish (white) and have a bengali husband who was brought to scotland when he was 4. we ar both 26 and have a daughter who i 1 and im currently pregnant. my daughter is very dark skinned and extremely beautiful, people often stop me in the street to comment on how amazing she is.im very proud that she is mixed race even though people always as me who's child she is as she looks nothing like me, which is fine as im very pale and plain looing,i love that im the only person i know with a white/bengali baby. any questions id be happy to help x

Hi everyone. Im white and English, i have a 2 year old daughter from my previous relationship and she is mixed race namibian/english. So i am now a single mum. I have been with my new boyfriend who is bengali for just over one year now, my family have met him and accepts him for him but his family dont even know about me yet! i am at a stage now where i feel like i really want to settle down and think about marriage/family. What do i need to do or say or be for his family to accept me? Me and him are just perfect for eachother and are completly in love, i can see a beautifull future with him but it causes me a lot of depression and anxiety to think that he could just leave me for a bengali girl because that is what his parents would want?

Can anyone give me any advice????

I am a british bengali (my parents are both from bangladesh and I was born and brought up here). My husband is from bangladesh (he was brought to this country at the age of 6 by his uncle and was raised by his uncle and aunt)
I always new my parents would want me to marry a bengali therefore I only dated bengali boys as I new there would be no point in dating other guys as I would not want in to lead to something serious. I met my husband when I was 20 and dated for few years then finally got married. After being married to him now for 5 years I cannot believe some of the things I have seen and heard!! I feel so sorry for my poor husband,his parents have sent him here for the sole purpose of making him work like a dog and just to send them money. Money is all they care about! They call all the time and emotionally blackmail him for money,not only does he support them in bangladesh but he also support 3 of his uncles and their wives and children in bangladesh!! After I got married we went to bangladesh to visit his parents,I was astonished to see that they lived in a large house,they have cleaning ladies and chauffeurs that drive them around!!!
Me and my husband live here in a small 2 bed house with our 2 children we a tight for space but cannot afford anything larger. His parents and other members of his family constantly nag him telling him to lie about our income and move to a council flat!! For the sole purpose of providing them with more money! I am angry and upset as we don't have enough money for ourselves and me and my husband always argue about money. His parents attempt to run our lives from another country! He has male relatives who have come to this country on student visas with no intention to study,they try to target vulnerable women ie women who are divorced with children and have low self esteem or generally unattractive older ladies,they manipulate them into thinking they love them then marry them for a british passport or indefinite leave to stay here so that they can work and send money to bangladesh. They usually divorce these ladies once they have what they want. I think this is disgusting!! I am ashamed of bengali way of life and their way of thinking I don't know why anyone who is not a bengali would want to marry a bengali person with ties in bangladesh!
His parents do not care that he works long hours to support them. I do not work as my children are very young. On one occasion I overheard my sister in law speaking to my husband saying how come your wife can't work as she is educated and has a degree so she should be able to get a well paid job so then you can send more money back home. This infuriated me!! How dare she tell me to get a job so that her parents can sit on their fat asses and not only take my husbands income but indirectly take mine also.
I love my husband but sometimes I get frustrated that he puts us second and does not spend more money on us rather than his family in bangladesh. Sometimes I feel I want to leave him as I think I would be able to provide better for myself and kids all on my own as I no I can get a good job with a fat salary as I had one before but gave it up before I got married.

Hey I am thinking of marrying my american gf, can someone chat with me regarding their relationship with in a mixed marriage/relationship? Just want advice. Thanks, I am bengali.

It's a pity that a lot of the sisters are going through all this
Really saddens me, I won't tell any sob stories or nothing but pray that Allah keeps you happy, inshaAllah... Keep me and my family ya3ni the whole Ummah in your duuas, walaykumasalaam.

Hi, really interesting thread. Wonder if there are any grandchildren from a Bangladeshi and English marriage? My Dad is mixed race (Bangladeshi Dad and English mum) and both my Dad and us kids have had trouble all our lives because of this; solely from the Bangladeshi community. I can relate to everyone here from both perspectives. It saddens me that generations down the line, my MIL still thinks of me as a half breed!

Hi. Not sure if anyone is actually still using this thread. But I need some advise!
I have been with a muslim British born Bengali guy for 6 years and he has spoken about marriage and children and our life together for about 5years now we are both only 22/23, I was introduced to his family a 4years ago but as his sisters friend. I am very close friends with his sister but his mama still thinks I am just sisters friend, his other brothers/sisters know I am with their brother but his older sister pretends she doesn't know. I am wanting to move forward with our life together as we cannot live together until we are married! But I feel the strain on our relationship as normal relationships the guys parents know u as the girlfriend! I love my boyfriend more than he could imagine and would do anything to have a "normal" relationship with him as he is all I want, when I bring this up he gets a little annoyed and says he told me it would be hard and take a while, I think maybe its taking a little to long now and I am giving up hope of a serious relationship with him as it is causing me to be mad with him and argue over stupid little things and I hate myself for being this way!
Could anybody please give me some help,
My family love him but are not aware his mama doesn't know he is with me as Ino they would not understand as my friends don't they are all with white partners and have children or engaged and don't understand the cultural differences.
Please if someone could offer me any advise I would be so grateful! Thanks