anyone english with a bengali husband?

(133 Posts)
3kidsisquiteenuff Fri 11-Apr-08 11:41:59

hi just wanting to chat with any other mums with mixed race kids and all the challenges it brings

eandz Sun 13-Jul-08 19:54:44

yeah, i'd love a meet up. ever since i moved to london and married my husband finding friends that have any chances of understanding me are hard to find.

FeelingOld Tue 15-Jul-08 10:39:16

Oh no you lot are putting me off!!!
I have been dating my new partner for 6 months now, I am english and he is from Bangladesh and he has lived here for the past 8 years. His immediate family are still back there but he does have 2 uncles over here.
He is muslim and he takes his religion seriously. He is a lovely man but I do worry about our differences. I have 2 children who he adores but wonder what his family think of this as like some of you i can not understand the conversation when he is on the phone to them.
He sends half of his earnings to his family in Bangladesh and is putting his own dreams on hold because of this which i worry about because he would love to go to university (he is currently a manager in an indian restautant) but everytime he saves some money up one of his siblings seems to need something and he takes his responsibilty very seriously and always just gives them it.

eandz Tue 15-Jul-08 12:50:05

feelingold,
my husbands family is Bangladeshi and Muslim... and they are amazing. He's pretty great too. In fact I had to entertain 35 of them this weekend and I had gotten too sick to do anything, my mother in law had done most of the cooking anyway and then on the day of handled everything like an angel. I might make make a statue of her in gold and send it somewhere to be put in a shrine. I love the woman.

although, sending 50% of earnings is something i would never allow my husband to do since we're starting a family and people should learn to rely on themselves. My father in law asked my husband to send money over to help his less fortunate cousins but my husband pointed out that they had the same opportunities as everyone else so they could find jobs. jobs aren't as hard to find as they claim, they just like to sit around and let the money come in from over seas.

FeelingOld Tue 15-Jul-08 13:56:32

Hi eandz

Its difficult for me to say anything about the money really as we have only been together 6 months and we dont live together but i just think that sending half of his money is making his life very difficult especially now that the cost of living here is so high. He wants to better himself but everytime he saves some money someone in his family seems to have a crisis.
He would also like to go to visit his family next year but at this rate he wont be able to afford the air fare. I earn a decent living but I know he would be offended if offered to help him financially.

I try very hard to respect his beliefs and religion but sometimes find it difficult but i suppose it will get easier. He is a lovely caring man and we are happy together and my kids think the world of him, but I am not so sure his family approve.

eandz Tue 15-Jul-08 14:24:52

feelingold,
i understand where you are in your relationship. i was just commenting on the money issue incase you guys decide to have the 'which way is this relationship going' ... i know that in all my relationships we get to that conversation after we hit our 6 month mark (usually in the middle of the 7th month). (not trying to scare you).

FeelingOld Tue 15-Jul-08 17:58:14

eandz

Yeah I understand, he just sees the money side of it as 'his culture', he says its what is expected of him.
I dont see how our relationship can move on while he is doing this, there is no way we could move in together with only half of his income available to us, but hopefully both of his brothers have jobs lined up in other countries so once they are earning the pressure should be less on him.

eandz Tue 15-Jul-08 18:28:08

feelingold,
i see how touch and go it is. i'm just curious to know at what point you might lose interest or if you will? you seem very understanding and patient.

FeelingOld Tue 15-Jul-08 21:44:38

eandz

I am very happy with him and I think he is with me, he is always telling me how special I am and that I am also his best friend. But he is desperate to get out of working in a restaurant as he works 6 nights a week which is hard for both of us. He wants to get a better job so he can provide for us as he is a very proud man and doesnt want me providing for him but he is never going to be able to go to college or university while he is sending so much money back home.

I also worry about the religious side of things, is your husband a practising muslim as my partner is.

I hope we will continue with our relationship as he is a very caring, honest and genuine man, but its not easy is it, he is culturally very different from me as he lived in bangladesh til he was 28 and speaks to family and friends in bengali which i obviously dont speak.

eandz Tue 15-Jul-08 22:20:36

FeelingOld,
yes, my husband is a practicing muslim... but that just means he prays, no alcohol, no pork products and stayed a virgin till we got married (which is why we got married at 22). He fasts, but never goes to the mosque and he doesn't really talk to other muslims. my father is also a muslim but my mother is jewish so i'm not really anything.

he's also a very proud fellow. i'm more than welcome to have a job but not allowed to use any of my personal money for the home/kids...my husband was born and raised here in London and doesn't speak any Bengali...but i think my ils would like me to learn anyway.

FeelingOld Wed 16-Jul-08 12:58:14

eandz

Thanks for your help.
I am just trying to anticipate things so that should problems arise I have at least thought about thngs.

My partner too prays everyday, no alcohol, no pork, only eats halal meat, goes to mosque on a friday etc but has not been married and is 36 and although he has had very little experience sexually he was not a virgin when we met.

All of his friends (well mostly work collegues actually) are either bengali or indian muslims (not as strict about their religion as he is though) so I worry about 'fitting in'. As yet I have only met a couple of them because he says they are all mostly younger than him and as they drink and seem to have lots of different girlfriends he doesnt really want to see them outside of work so his real friends and some family live in other towns and he regularly visits them but I have not met any of them as I dont think he feels they would approve of him having a white non muslim single mum partner.

eandz Wed 16-Jul-08 13:43:35

feelingold,

if he's 36...can i ask how old you are?

you guys are more than welcome to come hang out with us if you feel the lack of social interaction.

FeelingOld Wed 16-Jul-08 17:34:49

eandz

I am 43 blush.
I am willing to work at making this relationship work because he is so different to anyone else I have ever had a relationship with (ie english men), he is so thoughtful, hard working, kind and protective. He adores me as I do him and he makes sure I know that he does.
Pity I dont live in London or it would be lovely to meet you.

eandz Thu 17-Jul-08 16:31:13

feelingold,
well you seem to have a great attitude towards your relationship, and he seems really nice. i wish you both the best . I'm sure there are other half bengali couples in your area, right?

FeelingOld Fri 18-Jul-08 12:32:52

eandz
We live in a small town and although there is quite a large indian/bengali community we dont know any other mixed couples.

I just think he is a very special person and want our relationship to work but i do anticipate problems but i am sure we will overcome them together.

sufianoor Sat 19-Jul-08 14:23:57

hi everyone hope your all fine, well i think it would be a really good idea for all of us to meet up with some of our younger kids lol i have 7 aged between 21-4 and 4 grandkids aged 7-6mths lol 2 of them are my step grandkids but i absolutly adore them i dont know its a really funny world im half white half indian my hubby is shyleti bengali and now my oldest son is married to an arab girl whatever next i should make a bollywood film i think it would be a hit grinanyway as i was saying before i started babbling was i am in east london (plaistow) and i think it would be a really good idea for us mums to meet up

sufianoor Sat 19-Jul-08 14:28:53

eandz i understand you im 37 feeling 100 lol ive been through it all and come out feeling stronger and wiser i think if anything we can all learn from each other coping stratergies

eandz Sat 19-Jul-08 15:39:20

sufianoor,
name a date and time and i'll be there. do you want to meet somewhere in the middle? i live in st johns wood (next to baker st) but i'm familiar with some of east london, our marriage started out in Bow.

Halzer Sat 19-Jul-08 17:57:31

Can I be in on the meet? I dont know any other women who have married a Bengali but arent Bengali themselves.
Im 32 now but I sure understand the '100' feeling. LOL!
I live in Ilford now but I know east and central london very well so anywhere would be good for me. Hmmm...the summer holidays are coming up so I guess the place will have to be kid friendly? wink

eandz Sat 19-Jul-08 18:45:38

places i can suggest:

1. my flat (across the street from st johns wood tube station)

2. regents park

3. a pizza express somewhere in the middle

4. somewhere near oxford circus?

sufianoor Mon 21-Jul-08 01:09:29

i would love to meet both of you guys do either of you drive i do but im not to good with roads or directions anyway just name it and same as u ill be there grin

eandz Mon 21-Jul-08 10:12:00

i do drive, but not often.

whats an easy place for you to meet sufianoor and halzer?

FeelingOld Tue 22-Jul-08 12:29:24

Oh wish I lived near you guys, I live in the midlands in a small town, not fairsmile

sufianoor Fri 25-Jul-08 00:47:35

i know how to get to mile end, bow, stepney, bricklane,stratford or you guys can always come to either of my houses one in manor park or the other in plaistow i cant wait im looking so forward to thisgrin

sufianoor Fri 25-Jul-08 01:07:34

maybe its just me but sometimes i feel so alone, im always worried the kids will do something wrong and everyone will say its because im not bengali, i feel that everyone feels we are not as good as bengali women i know i shouldnt feel this way but i just cant help it am ibeing stupid sad

Boulders Sat 02-Aug-08 21:41:47

Hi

I am in the same situation. My husband is Bangladeshi, I am white English, we have one son. We got married in Bangladesh 3 years ago.

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