anyone having issues wih accepting child advice?

(47 Posts)
1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 14:46:56

Well I thought the idea of it would be easier than I thought not easy just easier than it seems to be. You know how it seems I maybe it's just my kids but aren't black people's features stronger than white people's genetically? I knew that and I thought I could look pass that and I am in that I don't want to give them up or wish I would have made other choices than to parent. I'm still content with the decision I know I am a better person because I chose to parent it improved my life. I started out jobless homeless essentially and struggling with substance abuse because a serial of traumatic events I'd probably still be the person I once was when I found out I was pregnant I was first scared and shocked I had no signs for 18 weeks besides a missed period. I got clean in that time and looked into adoption... Then 3 months later I decided I wanted to parent and from then on I haven't changed that from being the goal of being the best parent I can to them... I work two jobs and have pretty much had to do it all on my own... I am happy that it's this way then like before. I do of course love them and have ever since they were born. It's just like one thing I love them it's still hard to see them as mine when they look like all of him... Like for one being so young it's weird like lactation and breastfeeding seems so weird like unusual for me to be doing... I guess I have been a child so long it's hard to believe I'm a woman and a mom to 2 kids really is different... It's weird I'm a mom when a second ago I was so naive to the world... People see me and think I need parental consent for everything it seems. That's kind of an unreal feeling... Also second thing is why I posted this in here. Well I'm German American. Blonde with blue eyes. Pretty typical all-american look though. So I guess I don't look pure German even though I am. Anyway well my step-dad's Swedish American and like a real supremacist at that. He analyzes every feature like he seems to always know who's what race... He mom my sister and most of my immediate family have seen my kids. No one seems to notice they're biracial that they're half black. When I see Jude I know he's not white but he doesn't look really bblack like eskimo native american mexican maybe even hawaiian. my daughter just looks white mostly because of my light features she has. It's not exactly their that is a little difficult to get used to it;s that they just look like him... When I see them it's hard for me to see them as my children really like because they look so much like him. My son has his nose mouth eyes and hair color. My daughter has his nose and mouth as well. I worry if it gets less bearable or easier as of now it's getting easier but idk what the future holds just that I care about them more than anything. Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them.... I don't dislike them for it I know they are just innocent babies who I care about deeply but connecting as a mother-daughter or mother to son bonds are hard to when I don't see myself but I'm working on it. It's just another struggle I guess. I know most have loving relationships with the one they had an ir relationship with here however obviously that isn't the case here. The reminder isn't pleasant but I know I can do anything for them.

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 14:48:30

I tried to read that, I really did. But now I need anadin.

Do you want to try re-posting with some paragraphs, or even some gaps?

squeakytoy Sat 05-May-12 14:48:50

eh???? confused confused

madmouse Sat 05-May-12 14:49:41

OP please do what the previous poster advised. This is not readable.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-May-12 14:51:12

You're OP is a bit of a jumble, but are you saying your family are racist and you think they'll take against your children if they notice they have a father who isn't white?

And they haven't noticed so far?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 05-May-12 14:52:28

Op, are you saying that you are a young mother of twins conceived through rape? And you're distressed because your babies look like him?

Kayano Sat 05-May-12 14:53:55

So your kids are mixed race

And now you struggle to accept them because they are mixed race with 'black' features? But stiil v fair skin?

biscuit

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt Sat 05-May-12 14:54:48

Are you saying that you have baby twins and are not with the father. You are white and he is black and that your babies have a lot of the fathers features so you are having trouble bonding because all you see in them are his features and not yours?

diddl Sat 05-May-12 14:58:18

"Op, are you saying that you are a young mother of twins conceived through rape? And you're distressed because your babies look like him?"

That´s what I also got from it.

OP-please come back & clarify.

That's how I read it IHave.

It sounds like your children were conceived in violence, is that right? If so I greatly admire you for deciding to be a mum to them. I can see how that (assuming I've understood you properly) and the fact that they don't look like you may be making bonding a bit tricky. How old are they? And how old are you?

Two pieces of advice come to.mind. The first is that perhaps counselling would be beneficial, could help you work through your feelings. Sometimes it takes talking to a complete stranger to help us realise how we really feel.

The second piece of advice is more of an opinion really - anyone who would think less of you because your children are mixed race, or who causes you problems and upset because of it, isn't worth the shit on your shoes. In my opinion. Do you have other family and/or support?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-May-12 15:01:39

It's clear whatever you're trying to deal with OP, you're finding it difficult to put it into words.

That's understandable.

Are you able to post again to say which bits are the most important to you?

It might be more help to you than posters just guessing.

I think it sort of all poured out didn't it OP?

diddl Sat 05-May-12 15:04:25

Could some posters perhaps put in some thought before just barging in with an "I can´t read this the way it is"

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 15:06:28

I did, I was trying to help OP to get more and sensible answers. I'm not being facetious, I literally cannot read that, and I'm sure other people think the same.
Doesn't help OP to have everyone guessing at what her post is about?

I read it. When you are a bit upset and down maybe paragraphs aren't top of the list? I hope the OP comes back but wouldn't be surprised if they didn't after that sort of response.

diddl Sat 05-May-12 15:10:25

But you could paragraph it yourself to make it easier for you to read!

OP-you might want to get this moved to Relationships?

Sometimes people do just pile in on this "Am I Being Unreasonable" section.

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 15:11:30

and some people accuse others of piling in or being rude when they are trying to be helpful.

NarkedPuffin Sat 05-May-12 15:11:43

Hopefully, as time moves on, you'll start to see those features as your Dc's rather than as a reminder of that person.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 05-May-12 15:12:09

'Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them' <-does that sentance not say enough?

OP I am very sorry you are struggling with this. Maybe you could consider some counselling? It would be confidential and your family need never know but you do need to talk in real life with someone about this.

I gather you are in America? I have no clue what services are available in America that would be helpful to you but we do have some american posters who might know.

It's getting like that diddl. If it's in AIBU you can say what you like to the OP apparently.

savoycabbage Sat 05-May-12 15:13:49

You will see yourself. You will. My dc are mixed race too but one of them has all of my stubbornness and the other has my grumpiness in the morning.

One sleeps like me and the other puts her thumb under her index finger when she is anxious like me.

One reads the "famous five" all the time (I wanted to go on Mastermind with the specialist subject ofvthe famous five. The other one walks exactly like my mother.

People will think that they aren't yours every now and then. I always say 'I made them myself' if anyone asks.

1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 15:16:44

yea it was from violence I have looked into counseling not had any lessons yet my family is slightly racist not seriously wouldn't matter I'm not into them or care what they think

diddl Sat 05-May-12 15:16:45

"and some people accuse others of piling in or being rude when they are trying to be helpful."

If that was directed at me, my comment wasn´t directed at you.

It was a general comment about how AIBU can be at times.

insancerre Sat 05-May-12 15:17:40

reposted with breaks

Well I thought the idea of it would be easier than I thought not easy just easier than it seems to be.
You know how it seems I maybe it's just my kids but aren't black people's features stronger than white people's genetically? I knew that and I thought I could look pass that and I am in that I don't want to give them up or wish I would have made other choices than to parent.
I'm still content with the decision I know I am a better person because I chose to parent it improved my life.

I started out jobless homeless essentially and struggling with substance abuse because a serial of traumatic events I'd probably still be the person I once was when I found out I was pregnant I was first scared and shocked I had no signs for 18 weeks besides a missed period.
I got clean in that time and looked into adoption... Then 3 months later I decided I wanted to parent and from then on I haven't changed that from being the goal of being the best parent I can to them...
I work two jobs and have pretty much had to do it all on my own... I am happy that it's this way then like before. I do of course love them and have ever since they were born.
It's just like one thing I love them it's still hard to see them as mine when they look like all of him...
Like for one being so young it's weird like lactation and breastfeeding seems so weird like unusual for me to be doing...
I guess I have been a child so long it's hard to believe I'm a woman and a mom to 2 kids really is different...
It's weird I'm a mom when a second ago I was so naive to the world..
. People see me and think I need parental consent for everything it seems. That's kind of an unreal feeling...

Also second thing is why I posted this in here. Well I'm German American. Blonde with blue eyes. Pretty typical all-american look though. So I guess I don't look pure German even though I am.
Anyway well my step-dad's Swedish American and like a real supremacist at that. He analyzes every feature like he seems to always know who's what race...
He mom my sister and most of my immediate family have seen my kids. No one seems to notice they're biracial that they're half black. When I see Jude I know he's not white but he doesn't look really bblack like eskimo native american mexican maybe even hawaiian. my daughter just looks white mostly because of my light features she has. It's not exactly their that is a little difficult to get used to it;s that they just look like him...
When I see them it's hard for me to see them as my children really like because they look so much like him. My son has his nose mouth eyes and hair color. My daughter has his nose and mouth as well.
I worry if it gets less bearable or easier as of now it's getting easier but idk what the future holds just that I care about them more than anything. Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them....
I don't dislike them for it I know they are just innocent babies who I care about deeply but connecting as a mother-daughter or mother to son bonds are hard to when I don't see myself but I'm working on it. It's just another struggle I guess. I know most have loving relationships with the one they had an ir relationship with here however obviously that isn't the case here. The reminder isn't pleasant but I know I can do anything for them.

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