I am really not coping at all

[moginthedark]

I had an ERPC a week ago - we discovered the miscarriage at the nuchal scan, which was particularly cruel as I'd had a scan at 8 weeks which showed a strong heartbeat. I'm 44, so that pretty much means we're only ever going to have the one child.

This was the final straw in what has already been a really horrible year - my husband's gran died in March, and then my father died, very suddenly, in April (which has caused all sorts of family arguments too).

But what has turned it into a living nightmare is that the very same day I came back from the hospital, my friend across the road had her baby (our three year olds play together normally). It's like Coronation St here - no front gardens, so there is no way I can avoid the health visitors, the congratulations, the baby on the doorstep. There is no escape; it is like a bad dream which I keep waking up into.

And I am falling apart, I can't stop crying, I feel worthless and useless. I know it will be better in a month or two, but I can't quite see how I am going to get there.

I can't move house, I can't even go away because DD is having an operation next week. I have a doctor's appointment in a week's time - the first one I could get - and I think I will have to ask for anti-depressants as I don't know what else to do.

Sorry to offload like this.

[bojangles]

Hey Mog - I am so sorry for your loss. It is understandable to feel exactly as you do at the moment. You need to be kind to yourself and do what you can to get through each day. If you still feel the same depth of despair next week then talk it through with your Dr - maybe counselling might help. Have you tried the Miscarraige association?
Take care of yourself.

[scaredveryscared]

So sorry to read your situation. bojangles is right counselling can really help - friend of mine did it after having relationship troubles after rape and she has really come through it. She has a positive outlook after having 8 years of crap.

Crying is a way of letting it out bit by bit so don't feel bad for breaking down it's your way of dealing with it.

Embrace your DC and your DH and feel their love for you. Heal together and look towards the future.

If you really want more kids would you consider adopting?

Take Care and hope you are feeling bit better soon.

[banana87]

I'm really sorry (hugs). I can understand how low you must be feeling as I too had an ERPC for mmc last week.

Keep trying. Just because you are 44 doesn't mean you can't. I know (if you are feeling anything like I am) then you wont want to, but take comfort in the fact that it happened once, you have had one healthy baby (at age 41), you can do it again! (I really need to listen to my own advice!).

I also agree-see your GP about how you are feeling-they may refer you for counselling urgently (mine would) and it sounds like it would help if you could just talk to someone.

Take care.

[neolara]

I'm very sorry for the loss of you baby. How awful to have thought that you were "safe" only to find it had gone wrong at such a late stage. Life can be very unkind sometimes.

FWIW, I've had 4 miscarriages and I think your reaction is very normal. It's a horrible, horrible time and it's very early days for you. I think you just have to do whatever you can to get through the days. As you say, in a month or two you will feel differently, it's just that you have to live through those weeks first.

[funnysinthegarden]

Mog, horrible for you.

Both my MC were MMC at 12 weeks after healthy early scans. You must feel you age makes it worse for you. I was 33 and 38 when I had my two and did go on to have a child per MC!

Take things a day at a time, a week ago is nothing. I reckon 8 weeks minimum to even physically start to get over it.

Then look to the future. 44 is not too old and there is no reason that you won't get pregnant again.

If AD's are the way forward for now then go with it. Everybody needs something.

Hope you are feeling a lot better very soon.

[randomimposter]

mog am moved by your post, as can begin to imagine your pain. Am 42 and have 2 MMCs in the last year; one at nuchal scan like you, where it was estimated the baby had died a few days before, and one at 11 weeks where the baby had died at 9 weeks. Am now 5+2 but have had spotting so am not very confident this one will have a happy ending either.

It's still so raw and fresh for you; I was a bit of a mess for several months after my ERPC first time. So your emotions are totally understandable. I get your anguish at your age too, I have one DS, now 2, and suspect he will probably be an only child too. Am not totally reconciled to that yet, but am trying to adjust to what that may be like.

Echo what has been said about the MisAssoc, and about talking to your GP or seeking some counselling. You are grieving and are not expected to get over that quickly.

Thinking of you at what must seem such a dark time. Use MN, it can be a real solace.

[moginthedark]

Thank you everyone, it's really good to hear from people who've been through the same thing. This is my third MMC, but somehow seems the worst, perhaps because it feels so final (I took 18 months to conceive after the last one) and also because of the baby across the road.

I think some of this is also delayed grief for my dad too; I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after the funeral, and I think that insulated me from some of the upset of that. It's a very confusing time.

I will ask the GP for counselling as well as ADs (she's very nice and phoned me up as soon as she'd had the scan results to see if there was anything she could do, but I wasn't in much of a state to know then).

Banana87 - hope you are OK too. And Jollster, I will be willing you all the best for your pregnancy too.

[funnysinthegarden]

Mog, a third MMC must be awful. When I was pregnant with DS2 I lost some blood, again after a healthy early scan and thought here we go again.....But felt a deep sadness which I don't think I really felt with the first two, although they were incredibly hard themselves.

Anyway, round about way of saying I really feel sad for you.

Hope you see your way though it in time

[randomimposter]

Mog - thanks for your kind thoughts. I hope if you choose to try again you get your much wanted 2nd child; as they say it just takes one good egg. And women older than us DO go on to have successful pregnancies. Take good care of yourself x

[minipinmad]

Hi Mog, I'm in a similar position, I lost twins in March and at times am still full of dispair. Although I have a two year old at times the twins are all I think about. About two weeks after the mc my friend txt to say she was pregnant and due the same week I was given. She didn't know about the mc. So I have to look forward to visiting her with my gift when I should be at home with my two new babies. My Doc did give me AD but for some reason I didn't take them.

My son may too be an only child as we needed IVF for both pregnancies and I doubt we will ever be able to afford it again. My son was kissing a picture of a baby tonight and saying "wee baby", my heart broke that he'll be alone in the world.

I'm sorry I can't help you in any way only to say that the feelings you have are normal and you have to allow yourself the grieve.

[moginthedark]

Minipin - sorry to hear about your losses too. It's so hard - I really want to be glad for my friend but I just can't do it yet.

The doctor has suggested getting counselling from Cruse - she said the miscarriage is just as much a bereavement as losing my father. I think this sounds like a good idea, and will ring them. She didn't want to give me ADs straight off, and I think she's right, but I'm going back in a few weeks so she can see how I am doing then.

Hope you are getting lots of support too.

[misslostmarbles]

hospitals often have a counsellor who specialises in mc. have lost 4 children at 19, 21, 15 and 8 weeks respectively but have got 3 hea;thy children too am trying for number 4 but not much luck so far. you have to be good to yourself, be with your family and allow yourself to grieve. my hospital has a memory book that you can put details in of the children you lost to acknowledge them as being important. good luck

[PandaEis]

so sorry for your loss mog

i had my 7th MC last tuesday (confirmed loss at the scan) i was 9 weeks and i am swinging between coping ok and really not doing well at all

the kicker for me is my good friend in work is preg and is due 2 weeks after my DD with this most recent loss it is so hard to hear her talking about morning sickness etc and moaning but i am trying to take a step back and i have told her how hard i am finding it and it isnt her fault etc so maybe it is a good idea to talk to your friend? it helped me to tell her how i was feeling so maybe your friend will be as accomodating.

again im so sorry for your loss

banana i was on the feb thread with you its totally shite isnt it

[jerzygurl]

Gosh im so so sorry and totally understand

i lost my mum april last year and lost my first lil angel in aug..baby would of been due on mums bday aswell!! :(..my daughter was pregnant at the time and due a month after me so everytime i look at my grandson now..
i fell again and lost 8 weeks ago ..and now have to watch my sons gf go through her pregnancy and give birth a month after i was due and to add to it all...today i found out my hubbys brothers wife is due 3 weeks after i would of been!!
I feel so low and also a failure my hubby has no kids and i keep falling but cant keep mine :(
im 41 now and feel times running out and truly cant keep taking these blows ..i found out at my first scans that baby 1 had died few weeks earlier and baby 2 just deteriorated after 11 weeks n broke down
i feel the worlds pregnant except me ..i wana be happy for people and i know im lucky i have two grown children and 2 grandbabies and another on the way ..but........ :(