Three years of TTC - it didn't stick

[emptyshell]

Dunno why I'm on here - I'm not a mum and it's not through want of trying. We've tried for three years, and I've not coped with the infertility at all well emotionally. Worst part has always been that we're ineleible for any help for the infertility because of my BMI - I've lost three stones but it's still not enough to hook us into NHS support, and we can never afford to go private.

Got a positive middle of last week, it had changed to a negative on Sunday morning (I just had a hunch), and the inevitable bleeding started on Sunday afternoon. Went to the doctors, refused referral for a scan - was too early to see anything anyway and I was going nowhere near the part where the scanners are which is right next to ante-natal.

So I'm sat at home on my own (hubby's gone to work today - he took yesterday off to be with me), crampy and bleeding and utterly heartbroken - someone sending me a text that she'd tried for so long and got her little miracle (she's 8 months pregnant) - really didn't help... I don't know why people think it does - it just felt like a huge "ner ner ner" to me.

Can't go out - babies everywhere - some mum was letting her toddler run around the doc's waiting room yesterday, could see me trying desperately to look away and recoiling in terror - and still she kept letting them run up to me even though it was visibly causing me so much upset. I can't continue to function within society when I'm like a caged animal having a fight or flight response whenever I'm trapped in a room with a doting parent.

It's taken three years to even get one tiny glimmer of hope of a positive. In another three years I'll be pushing 35 (birthday in a couple of weeks - nice present huh) so I've got to keep trying really quickly - holding out hope that at least this indicates I've lost sufficient weight my fertility's returned and that I can ride any post miscarriage increase in fertility - but being honest, I'm suicidal, I can't eat, I can't sleep properly (just lie there), I'm uncomfortable for the flipping cramping (nothing major - just have naff all pain threshold) and I've got the worst toothache in the world (and a severe dental phobia).

I got to walk in the sun and be happy and pregnant for all of 3 days. Now all we've got of our dreams of parenthood is a blurry photo of a peed-on pregnancy test that read positive.

[MmeLindt]

I am so sorry for your loss. And that you are struggling so much. I know what it is like to ache for a baby, I had two miscarriages before I had DD.

The well minded comments from friends are hard to bear, but they are trying to cheer you up, they are not being nasty. I had a friend who was TTCing for years and I found it so hard to talk to her about my DC as I did not want to hurt her.

I did fall pregnant easier after having the miscarriages, so perhaps that will happen to you.

I hope that you find the support that you need on MN and that things work out for you and your DH.

[randomimposter]

didn't want to ignore your post but don't have the skills/experience to give you the advice and support you need. Am sure there'll be someone along soon who can.

I have only been on MN for about 8 months, joining after a MissedMiscarriage last summer. I have since had another MMC in February. I have one child, nearly 2. I am 42.

All I do know is that in my short time on MN there are SO many heartbreaking stories on here BUT equally so many of hope.

You sound (understandably) in a bad and sad place at the moment. You've done really well to lose so much weight so far, and proved you can get pregnant. If you can find the inner strength to try again, you really are a babe in TTC terms at only 31. I hope you get through these dark days and can reach some resolution that's right for you and your partner.

(Is your GP really not willing to do any basic tests on you bearing in mind how long you have TTC?)

[emptyshell]

I'm too fat - no point even trying to push into getting referred up to the hospital because they'll take one look at me and tell me to go away because of my BMI (never thought I'd be the human face of the obesity epidemic and NHS rationing but I am apparently) - a knock I couldn't take.

I have thought of killing myself and leaving a note saying exactly what the Govt's witch hunt and demonizing of anyone who doesn't slot into their neatly defined BMI boxes actually DOES to people because it would essentially be what killed me. I wouldn't even have the courage to do that though.

[mermaidspurse]

You poor girl I am so very sorry for your loss, the thought of you walking in the sun for 3 happy days has bought my tears welling up.
I think you do need some help now, you have been really brave struggling on for this long on your own and well done for writing it down, as I know it's incredibly hard.
I have just started having counselling again after mulitiple mc and it is helping just to let out all the pain. Maybe that would be worth thinking about? Your surgery should offer this.

People never know the right thing to say, I expect we could all fill several books. Without mn I would not have emotionally survived the last few years so you are in the right place

[meatntattypie]

Hi there.
Its utter utter shite isnt it.
But the good news is of course that you have lost sufficient weight to actually become pregnant.
So try again asap. Dont give up...in fact fast forward 12 months and see yourself either heavily preggers OR with a baby in your arms. It important to keep you goal in your head.

After 5 mcs, i should be shutting up and throwing the towel in, but no, i can see me with my baby, so refuse to give up. It WILL happen for me, im 40 soon, 5 mcs, takes me about 2-3 years to get pregnant, one of these days it will stick.

Keep at it.

[Cadelaide]

Oh emptyshell, what a heartbreaking post.

I'm so sorry.

[Cadelaide]

Good Luck meatntattypie

[SophiasMummy]

Oh emptyshell, your post is so heartbreaking...

You've done so well in losing the amount of weight you have done but I really feel you would do well to talk to someone (a professional) about all the hurt and pain you are feeling.

Counselling is a wonderful thing and your GP should be able to refer you to someone local. You can also access support via the Miscarriage Association I just looked them up online and they have a staffed helpline which operates Monday to Friday, from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m call 01924 200799 or if you are in Scotland, on 0131 334 8883

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/support/help.htm

I have had 5 mc but also a dd 3 who reminds me every day that everything I have suffered is worth it.

wishing you much love and hope for your physical and emotional recovery

[kissmummy]

hi there, so sorry to hear what you're going through. i'm not surprised you're devastated after trying for so long only to have a flicker of hope, which is then taken away from you so quickly. this is one of the most worrying messages i've read on this board and i hope you are able to get some help quickly. do you have anyone at all you can talk to, who would at all understand what you're going through and support you through this? Also, do you live in London?
I can only imagine how much harder it must feel to motivate yourself to lose weight when you feel so miserable....it's hard enough depriving yourself of nice food (don't i know it) when things are good, never mind when you feel practically suicidal.
For what it's worth, as others have pointed out, at 34 (nearly 35) you still have quite a few years left.
you've shown you can lose weight successfully. in a few days time, when you are feeling a tiny bit stronger, could you start whatever weight loss programme you used before to lose the 3stone again? i am wondering if you could you sort of channel all your grief and frustration into the big mission to reach a target weight?
i've been through four miscarriages myself though i am incredibly lucky to have one son. (without him i'm sure i'd have been totally broken by it now.) But what i have found, in coping with the miscarriages, is that it really helps to channel your energy ( i know you don't feel like you have any, but you do - the mental energy you are using up at the moment feeling so awful) into something positive. in my case it was getting fit or throwing myself at a big work project. If you are really determined to "beat" your weight problem, maybe you could use this awful sadness to help make it happen? that is obviously the first vital step, in your case, to achieving the bigger longer term dream, of having a baby. you CAN do it. perhaps you need to focus totally on the "prize" which is the baby you dream of and i'm sure you WILL have.
If you live in London please let us know. some of us meet up for support occasionally. please post again asap to let us know how are you are.

[mermaidspurse]

emptyshell I nipped back here to see if you were ok and can only second what kissmummy has said.

You must be, I think a very strong lady to have kept going as you have done for the last three years without help from the medical profession. Hold on tightly to what you have achieved, I know it is hard right now. I hope you get a little sleep tonight.

[randomimposter]

emptyshell - how are you today?

[emptyshell]

Still alive I guess. Bleeding's finally stopped after 4-5 days, so I guess the fat lady's started singing on that front.

Have no intention of waiting for AF before trying again - if there's ANY surge in fertility after a miscarriage I fully intend to ride it for all I can and stuff the doctors wanting accurate dates.

Have to go back to GP on Tuesday to check everything's gone (I'm not going for a scan - going nowhere near the happy mushy couples with scan photos department of the hospital - if that's got health implications for me - I don't care).

Ran out of a shop today cos there was a baby in there - I've gone nuts but I don't care anymore. Just more weight to keep on losing before my time runs out - all I need for the final blow is to be told my eggs are all shrivelled and rubbish I guess.

Just don't care about anything anymore.

[randomimposter]

think you should SERIOUSLY consider counselling as suggested below - the Miscarriage Assoc is a brilliant place to start.

As it was such an early MC I think it unlikely that anything has been retained - but am not medically trained obviously. If you feel unwell, have a high temp, or are concerned about any discharge/potential infection get it checked out. But suspect your body has done its business. (Not sure what the GP can do to check other than a scan BTW....? OTOH a GP CAN run some of the basic fertility tests I referred, no need to be referred to a hospital).

To repeat my earlier post you are still very young in TTC terms. That doesn't mean you will definitely be ok, of course there are no guarantees.

[mermaidspurse]

good to see you posting emptyshell I have been thinking about you. You are no more nuts than me if it is any consolation.
You have a PLAN and that can only be a good thing, well done.

[emptyshell]

If I stop trying, I'll get nowhere, if I push on, I'm at least attempting to get somewhere.

Doc tested hormones and referred us for a scan ages ago which looked normal - was as much as they could do with my weight being what it was - NHS has nothing else for us.

No point in counselling - whatever was inside, be it empty egg, baby, genetic mess.. went - counselling isn't going to put it back up there or change the reality that it's a hideously hard task for us to get pregnant. Just got to keep slogging on as best as we all can.

Life's crap.

[kissmummy]

emptyshell life's crap at the moment but this is the worst time - you're only just recovering from the shock. i promise you will feel better in a while though it can be a long haul. you sound very determined to get on with things which is good. the nhs decision not to offer IVF to patients over a certain BMI is not just a money saving thing - it is a clinical issue. they don't want to put patients through all the risks - physical and emotional - of IVF cycles is there is very little chance of it succeeding.

[emptyshell]

The NHS won't even offer anything to give us ANY answers about three years of infertility.

The NHS via previous doctors has shouted at me for five minutes about my BMI - which had the delightful effect of me refusing to go to the doctor again for over a year (I'd only gone in for a smear test!). It took months of me living in my current house before I even registered for a doctor after how my last GP made me feel.

To go for three years knowing that the NHS holds no hope of any help for you whatsoever - not even in terms of an answer to why... to have in your head every day a BMI that you MUST get to that seems like an insurmountable goal - then to miscarry when you get pregnant by some fluke... I don't care about risks, I'm not asking for IVF, I'd just like to not feel forgotten about and demonized.

Maybe suicide IS the answer to that one - make them see what they're doing to people.

[SophiasMummy]

Everytime you mention killing yourself, I feel desperately worried for you. I hope that it's just your way of putting words to your anger and your pain but if it ever feels more than that PLEASE talk to someone if not the miscarriage help line then someone else.

I know right now you feel totally alone in this, but I know i'm not the only one who has been checking your post on the hour every hour to make sure that you are ok. Just look at the responses you have received. There is a whole community of women here who don't know you but are here to support you. We are all on this page because we too have suffered the heartwrenching loss that is miscarriage. In their own way everyone has some understanding of what you're going through and they really do care. You are not alone.

I'm sitting here now, at the Portland waiting to have my 3rd ERPC for my 5th miscarriage. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who is proof that you should never give up. You know now that you CAN get pregnant and you WILL get pregnant again... It's just a matter of time.

With much love and hope being sent your way

[randomimposter]

agree with what Sophia'sMummy said (very eloquently).

Do you have any RL support empty? Family? Close friends? Confidants?

[mermaidspurse]

empty I know that talking of suicide is a cry for help. It's not the answer you have so much more to do. We are all here for you as others have been here for us.

sohiasmummy thinking of you today.

[kissmummy]

*empty" who is looking after you right now? your partner? who else knows what is going through? do they know how low you are feeling or is this the only place where you have admitted you feel suicidal?
as sophiasmummy said, we are all worried about you and checking this thread regularly.

[SophiasMummy]

I just thought I would give you the number for the Samaritans, in case things get too much or you simply decide you do want to talk. Phone UK: 08457 90 90 90

They're not therapists - they won't try to make you feel better, they won't tell tell you chin up and they definitely won't pretend this will all be ok tomorrow. What they will do is listen and care and then listen some more. You can say anything you need to say, with no shame and in utter confidence, knowing that the person on the end of the line has no agenda other than to listen to you and be there for you during this dark and painful time.

I'm offline now but will be checking back in in the morning to see how you're doing. You are not alone in this.

ps thanks Mermaid...

[randomimposter]

bloody hell sophia'smummy how amazing are you? Can't believe you've not got enough on your own plate at the moment.. admiration overfloweth from me. Hope you are getting lots of love and support yourself.

empty hope you are doing ok, and feel some of the advice given is worthy of consideration and action.

[SophiasMummy]

Hi empty I just thought I'd check in and see how you are doing?

I had my ERPC late on Thursday and a feeling glad for then physical closure it has given me. I won't be around on the miscarriage threads so often now as for me it is easier to focus on the future as a way of healing from the past. Everyone is different and you must follow your own path towards your recovery - even if it feels like an impossible journey now.

I just wanted to tell you in case you think that people stop caring - I won't be around, but I won't stop caring and wishing you a healthy recovery and future pregnancy...

p.s. thanks Jollster for your kind words - I am blessed to have much much love and support from dh and dd.

[Tads]

empty I've been following this and am just here to echo my support and concern. I never felt able to speak to a counsellor - it seemed somehow worse to dredge up my grief to a complete stranger when I was perfectly capable of crying in my own bedroom without wading through someone else's tissues. I realise that everyone is different and that I'm a complete cynic. However, a counsellor may be able to help you to find the strength to at least keep going. I would like to offer a cyber hand to hold through this? I try to pop onto the site as often as possible to vent my own crazy emotions and to hopefully provide a friendly ear to anyone who needs it. I know nothing anyone can do or say can make this any easier, but I've found that moaning to each other provides some form of respite, particularly when pregnant friends seem intent on telling you it will happen for you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I really hope we can help you get through one of the most shitty things a woman can experience. You are NOT on your own and I'm almost certain I'm correct in saying that we'll all be here listening for as long as you need someone to talk to. xxx