I am really, really not coping today :(

[musicposy]

I thought I had been doing better, too. Even as I type this, I can't stop crying.

Had a mmc and ERPC last Thursday at 9wks+1. Found out and had op done all on the same day.

The last couple of days, I've been thinking I've been coping slightly better. I went to the ice rink today with my girls (they both have skating coaching) and was thinking that although I wasn't exactly happy, I was actually enjoying watching them jump and spin.

Then, this afternoon, I don't know what has hit me. I don't know if it's because I'm not working because it's Easter holidays, but I haven't stopped crying for hours. It's my 16th wedding anniversary today too and I feel I should be grateful that I am still with DH (who i still really love) and have two lovely girls, but I just can't see past losing this baby. I just want my baby back. I want to be having a baby in October, not just having to get on with on with normal life.

Worst of all is that I feel as though i've let my whole family down by putting them through all this. We've got £7000 on the mortgage as a result of the IVF and my girls have been through so much the last 3 months. My poor, poor eldest finally cracked today after a week of being so strong for me and has cried too virtually the whole day. My parents were so excited about another grandchild and I know my mum has been crying too -she's in her 70s and I worry about the stress on her. Despite having 3 children, they only have my two girls and my nephew as grandchildren and I know they were getting so excited. For various reasons more grandchildren are unlikely to come from any other quarter.

I feel sure that I have lost my one and only chance now. I was looking on the internet today (big mistake) and given my age (43) it seems like what happened was pretty much inevitable. After 8 years of trying it's very unlikely to happen naturally and even if £7000 fell into our laps for another IVF attempt (not going to happen) the same thing could just happen all over again. The livebirth rate for my age group is ridiculously low, about 3%.

I need a miracle but I'm not sure I'm going to get one. We've been 8 years praying for a miracle and now this. It all feels like too much to cope with. I have no idea how I am ever going to move on from this point.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it out.

[tartyhighheels]

I have seen your various posts over the last few days and I know there is nothing really helpful to say except I genuinely wish you were not in this horrible situation. You are bearing up really well in a dreadful set of circumstances. I amd thinking of you and praying for your family.

[nomorewine]

Oh I am so sorry, musicposy. I can empathise totally. I have moments of thinking I am coping better & I try to do the whole positive thinking thing, but then I just lose it again, and even when I am not crying, my insides feel empty & hollow.
I want to be having my baby in October too.It was due on DP's 40th birthday & all seemed so meant to be, but clearly that wasn't the case.

It is not just grieving for the baby you lost, but all the plans you had in your head. Suddenly in one moment, your whole world shatters around you. I keep going over the whole scan experience in my head - it is like living out a horrible horrible nightmare.

I really feel for you. It is just awful & I hate to think of others going through this. x

[musicposy]

Thank you to both of you.

Tartyhighheels, it's just nice to have the feeling that someone else is answering and understands. Thank you.

Finally, at about 9.30 tonight, DD1 and I both managed to stop crying and she said "I think it's two steps forward and one step back, you know." I think this is very true.

Hubby has his first night off today since it happened last week (he works nights) and I don't think he has the slightest clue how to cope with me. He keeps doing the dishwasher. Every time I cry, he goes and does the dishwasher. If you need clean crockery, we're your house....

nomorewine, I know what you mean about thinking it's meant to be. I read before about your DPs 40th birthday and was thinking how sad that was. It's sounds stupid but I am 11 years, 2 months and 1 week older than my brother and my younger daughter would have been 11 years, 2 months and 1 week older than this baby ....we were marvelling over that so much before this happened. You feel how could this have happened when it was so obviously meant to be? Letting go of all those plans is so hard. And even though I had tried not to get too excited, it was impossible not to.

I feel a little better after all those hours of crying......thank you for the support. xxx

[Tads]

I don't believe in religion of any type, but I believe in the gods of rock and roll and I'm praying for you big time. xxxxx