Trying to understand how I feel about my MMC

[FullMooniMarmite]

I had an ERPC yesterday after discovering at an early scan that I have had a MMC (at 8 1/2 weeks but the baby stopped growing at about 6 1/2 weeks).

I had a previous MMC (discovered at 10 weeks) about 2 years ago but have since had DS1 who is everything to DH and me .

After the first MMC I was devastated. I had wanted a baby for so long (we conceived v quickly but it took us a while to get to that point), in my mid-30s, wondered if I would ever have children, had a strong bond with my embryo. The ERPC was very painful too. It took a long time for me to recover and I suppose I've still not recovered completely from that first time, hence my decision to always have an early scan.

This time, I feel very sad. The ERPC was not painful. DS never fails to lift my spirits and make me laugh. The new pregnancy was very much wanted but our first attempt so sooner than expected and I feel reasonably positive that we will be able to conceive again. The pregnancy had not felt right for a couple of weeks and I had felt quite unwell so it is good to be feeling a bit better. The only thing that worries me a bit is that miscarriages have both been very similar (growth stopped at the same time and my body failed to recognise the loss).

Part of me feels that maybe I am trying to keep going because I have a child that very much needs me. Part of me believes I can just be a bit more objective this time because I know I can have a successful pregnancy, so maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time.

I just hope I am not setting myself up for delayed grief.

Wise words very welcome. Sorry my post is a bit of a babble.

[daisytaylor]

Hi there so sorry for your loss. I am also going through a mmc. I had 2 mc's and then went on to have 4 healthy children. I then had 2 more mc's. I have had 2 d&c's but last time it happened naturally and now i have been bleeding for 2 weeks. Had a scan today and the sac is still there. I know how difficult it is to be positive at a time like this but i think its good to feel that way and it helps us to move on and when recovered and ready to try again. I am really scared to try again but i know i will because its something i really want. I know this isn't the best advice but i hope it does help you a little, best wishes.

[FullMooniMarmite]

Thanks Daisy, best wishes to you too and sorry for your losses.

[kissmummy]

fullmoon it sounds like there is every chance you will go on to have a successful pregnancy next time. there is probably no link between the two mmcs you've had - just bad luck. MMCs are absolutely crap - i'm having my fourth miscarriage just now; it's my second missed miscarriage and they are the worst. it's good that your ERPC went well. last time i had an ERPC my period returned six weeks later exactly and i was back to normal. you may well be able to conceive again in a few weeks time if you are actually ready. good luck.

[cyanarasamba]

Hi FullMoon, I'm sorry you've had to go through this again. It must be very raw and sad at the moment.

I had to reply to you as I'm in a similar situation. I had my second MMC in April, having had DS in between MCs.

The first MMC was a huge shock (discovered without warning at 12-week scan), so I suppose with the second one at least it was not totally unexpected, and I knew what to would happen in terms of the ERPC and mental and physical healing. In that respect it was easier.

You will keep going for your DS, you will be up and about quite happily with him as normal very soon. But I think this will mean the grief will hit you now and then as you won't be thinking about it all the time.

Try not to seperate if you can the desire to conceive again with grieving for this loss. Six months on and I am not yet pregnant again but in a way that matters less than it did.

Be very kind to yourself and remember for the next few weeks that it's very early days.

[annie51]

Hi Fullmoonmarmite
Long history here but hope it helps
I've had 6 miscarriages altoghter and needed a D&C for 5. We have 2DD's born after the first MC.
The first we were away when I started to bleed went to a renound hospital who did a tummy scan the next morning and told me I had had a MC devastated. They wanted to do a D & C straight away but I said no I wanted to go home, so they gave us a letter warnings that if I started to bleed heavy to drive to the nearest hospital and not continue our journey.
Got home ok went to local hospital who did internal scan and said your still pregnant. Shock we had everybody told that I'd had a MC so now tell that I hadn't. I was monitored for a month scans blood tests and did go on to MS and had D&C.
My head was all over the place, afterwards I hadthe worst nightmares ever dreaming that they had got it wrong.
I Then had 2 DD's 19 monthe apart.
Then 5 MC 4 of which were MMC, I got to 14 weeks with one everybody told the "good" news only to find out the next week that baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. THe second last one I heard the heartbeat at a early 8 week internal scan, 10 days later nothing.
Each time I swore never again, My DH would look at me in the hospital bed and say I'm never putting you through this again can't stand to see you in pain.
my last MC will be 2 weeks ago tomorrow and like you I wonder I want more but can I go through the heartache, pain, uncertainty and all the mixed emotions that seeing two lines on the stick brings.
On the other hand do I really want to feel that soft warm body snuggling into the curve of my neck and am I strong enough to do it again.
My age (Almost 40) and the 6 MC give me a very high risk of another.
I won't decide yet hormones and emotions all over the place yet. But from mc5 to mc6 there was a year gap that's how long it took me last time so give yourself time to recover before you think about thinking about it.

[clothaddict]

Hi and so sorry. I'm feeling similar in some ways to you.

I've had one mmc a month ago discovered at a 10 week scan. I also have an 18 mo. old DS. I have had a horrendous time physically with the miscarriage, opting for medical management, only to then still need a ERPC and then with septicaemia and in intensive care. I'm like you though I feel I am keeping going as I have my DS and he has been such a tonic for me. In some ways even though it has been horrific and I am feeling the loss of this baby badly I'm a bit worried that maybe I'm just putting a brave face on and that the full impact will hit me later on? I'm nowhere near ready to think about ttc yet again, my body has been through it physically and I feel I need to build myself up again. But I do plan to ttc again early next year.

So I think your feelings are very natural, I can identify with them completely.

I wonder if the full grief of this loss might hit later when ttc again or when preganant again, or if fail to conceive. I have a feeling that's when I might struggle more.

[FullMooniMarmite]

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and so sorry for your losses.

That feeling of 'what if they got it wrong' is so terrible isn't it? With both of mine I knew that something wasn't quite right but something still makes me question it.

I think I wasn't prepared for feeling so differently about things this time but I know that is inevitable really, I think I just feel guilty about not feeling quite so bad this time.

I know that I don't need to feel like that really though.