Feeling so bad.

[sadminster]

It was six weeks on Monday and it is just getting worse & worse & worse.

It's so real now there's no shock or numbness to protect me just waves of awfulness that don't stop coming.

Toby was born to the bongs of Big Ben - we didn't get around to turning the radio off - so I can't now listen to radio 4 without nausea & panic but I get horrid flashbacks 3 or 4 times a week at 6 o'clock.

Having problems with my GPs - I don't trust them at all. Also trying to get my notes from the pregnancy & deal with complaints issues.

So tired & miserable that I don't want to deal with it.

We need to do Toby's inscription for the memorial garden but I just can't because it is so final.

Last time we went to the cemetery and extremely heavily pregnant chain smoking women was also in the baby garden. Didn't even have the energy to be angry with the stupid cow.

Don't want this to be for the rest of my life.

[captainmummy]

Sadminster - didn't want to just pass you by. I don't know your history but feel very sad for you - miscarriage is always devastating. It will get easier, but it takes time and that time is not going to go any quicker than it does.

Sorry.

[chapstickchick]

I dont know your history either but i couldnt not answer.

i had a early miscarriage so i can empathise with the heavy emptiness you feel.

you wont feel like this for the rest of your life time passes on- you wont forget you will just learn to cope.

the all consuming sadnes tiredness and misery is grief-to lose something so fragile is heartbreaking.

you have to think about things in chunks,Toby isnt here physically but you cn build his memory-completing his memorial isnt final-its just the beginning its acknowledgement that he was here....

I understand your concerns with your gp but sometimes even battles won arent victories -right now you need to work on you.

would it help at 6 one day when the bongs are going if you could hold a bear or write down some feelings?then its like its 'real' its not just an emotion inside.

6 weeks is only a whisper its v early days- i hope ive helped you in some small way.

[SweetPea99]

Hi Sadminster,
So sorry you are feeling like this, and so sorry that you have been through so much. 6 weeks is still so early. It was 3 months ago for me now, and sometimes I still can't beleive that I'm not still pregnant, and sometimes I can't believe that it all ever happened. BUT, I do feel a little better in the last few weeks. The fear of never feeling happy again is starting to go, I don't think you can speed up that process - especially with everything that you have suffered.
Lots of love and hugs for you.
Sweetpea.

PS Know how you feel about GPs, I have finally had some blood tests done (after 2 visits to the GP and 1 to the gynacologist)- by my back pain specialist!! He is going to go through the results with me and help me decide what to do from there. Keep going, you deserve all the help the NHS can give.

[sadminster]

Thank you all xxx

SweetPea ... thanks for giving me some hope.

[munchiesmama]

Hi Sadminister, what has happened to you is so heartbreaking that it is going to take u longer than 6 weeks to recover emotionally from this. Although I had a mc at 7 weeks and I found it devasting, I didn't have to go through giving birth so I can only imagine the pain u must be feeling. Also a loss at 17 weeks is so unexpected, u had lots of time to imagine how this baby would feature in your life and now that it has gone it will take more time to get over such an awful loss.

I know what u mean about sounds bring things back to u, all my appointments at the EPU were early morning when a certain programme was on the waiting room TV, every time I hear that music my body sudders.

Sorry I havent put this down very well, I guess I am just trying to say I am so sorry that u are going through this, and dont push yourself into "feeling better" you are allowed to still feel very raw.

Take care, sending u big hugs xx