4 weeks ago our first baby, our daughter Sophie, was stillborn at 41 + 2. It was a complete shock; she was kicking away on the Friday night and by the Saturday morning when I got up I noticed that she hadn't woke up with me like she normally would. For reassurance we thought we'd nip down to the local maternity triage unit and it was there that we found out the devastating news that we had lost her. We were shocked at how apparently sudden this had been, to not have experienced any pains or bleeding or abnormal movement, and then to go to bed and lose her in the night is impossible to get my head around, I feel angry that I didn't get a chance to even try and save her. Like many mums whose stories I've read online, we had a completely healthy pregnancy and never even thought that this would happen to us. My blood pressure and pulse were up on what they normally were but not outside of normal range, the baby was growing fine at each check up, I was negative for GD and movements had all been consistent. And then this awful thing happened and it's left me completely lost and analysing every last detail of my pregnancy - after all, something must have been missed right? - and Googling what could have caused this senseless tragedy.
We have to wait until December for the PM results, the only thing I know is that my bloodwork all came back fine - I had no infections that could have caused this. The midwife remarked on my notes that the placenta was pale and gritty, and there was meconium in the waters when they broke but they said that the baby could have poo'd after she'd passed away? Was she just saying that to not worry me?
I'm really struggling to get my head around what has happened to us, I keep thinking of all the what ifs. What if I had gone into labour earlier? What if my BMI was 40 and not 39.9 and therefore I'd have been under consultant care? What if I had requested a 2nd sweep that week on the Friday like I had been contemplating? With Sophie being our first I had no idea what it was like to be pregnant, nothing to compare it to, and ironically only a few days before this happened I commented to my husband that I felt really pressured as a mother to be able to know how often the baby had moved and whether it was normal for her. Sophie was quite irregular in her movements, some days she would be quieter than others but she had her little pattern of times of day which she kicked more during and things that I'd do which would set her off, like rest a cup of tea on my belly. Looking back now I'm wondering whether I missed a slow decrease in her movement? My husband is telling me that I need to believe in my natural mothering instincts, as on the Saturday morning that we found out I had woken him up at 7.30am to go to the hospital and that I must have knew something wasn't the same, so therefore I should trust that I knew something was wrong with her. And yet despite the lack of movement that morning neither of us was expecting this news, I guess we thought that everything was ok and that it'd probably be fine - in fact we put the hospital bag in the car in case they decided to induce us!
Anyway, I'd really like to hear from other parents who've gone through this to hear your stories and how you coped? I'm still on maternity leave until May next year and my employer is continuing to pay me, so I don't need to rush back to my job. But I'm worried what I will be like once my husband goes back to work next week...
How do you remain positive for the future? I don't know whether this is a completely normal reaction, but I'm desperate to try again for another baby but terrified to do so until we get the PM results in December. What if they find something wrong with me? And despite getting pregnant on the first try with this baby, I'm worried that it won't be as quick for us next time. Will I be able to cope with the disappointment?
I've always been one to think about the future and my husband and I would love to talk about our plans for our family, and now I feel like I daren't get myself too excited about anything in the future because look how close we were to it and then we lost it :( Someone said one of the hardest things about grieving for a stillborn child is that you're left grasping at something permanently just out of reach, that might have been, that should have been, that wasn't. And this is certainly how I feel at the moment.
I don't expect that we'll ever completely heal from this, it will always be something we think about and get upset over. But how do you move on with your lives, without feeling that you're disrespecting her memory?
We're on a waiting list for counselling through the hospital, that can take 4 months they've said, so we're going to our first SANDS meeting on Wednesday. Has anyone got any experience of those meetings?
xxx
(If anyone going through this lives near the Wirral please let me know if you are interested in meeting up).
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Coping after Stillbirth & How to Remain Positive for the Future?
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vickym86 · 05/09/2016 16:15
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