Waiting for things to hit me

[AKP79]

Over the last 5 months I have had 2 MMC. Our first was found at Christmas and it played out over the festive period and New Year. I had a medically managed miscarriage which wasn't successful and resulted in Surgical management 3 weeks later. That all happened at 9 weeks and was detected at a private scan

This time the MMC was found at the routine 12 week scan. A few days later I had to attend an appointment at the EPU and make a decision on how to progress things (that was last Tues). We decided to have the surgical because I found the medical extremely painful and distressing, but there were no appointments until the following Tuesday (tomorrow).

However, I started bleeding and each day had about 3 hours of strong contractions which would abruptly disappear. Then on Friday night I basically went into labour (I already have a child so I know what labour is like and I had the miscarriage at Christmas and this was completely different). I started getting contractions which were building with pain and started getting closer and closer together. Then all of a sudden there was a pop and my waters broke (nowhere near as much liquid as with my son, but exactly the same sensation etc). I jumped up and ran to the toilet and when I wiped our little baby came out, perfectly formed for 10 weeks. It was the size of my thumb and we just both sat and stared at it, my husband took it and placed it in an empty tissue box. Then things kicked off again and the sac came out. After that I started to bleed. I was bleeding all over the floor and can only explain it as it being like peeing blood, after 40 minutes we called 111 who sent an ambulance immediately. I was blue lighted to hospital due to haemorrhaging and was kept in for 24 hours. The bleeding slowed and my blood pressure etc stabilised.

The paramedic took our baby into the hospital and it has gone off for testing in the lab and we've signed a form to say we're happy for it to be cremated.

Since then, we've been ok. At Christmas we were destroyed. This was far more distressing, painful and scary, but we're OK. I'm wondering if things will hit us or whether we've just dealt with it? We've had a couple of emotional moments, but nothing major.

I'm signed off work until 6th and am still bleeding and passing clots which I need to watch. I don't know how long I can expect this to continue for and if it's normal??

Thanks for taking the time to read if you have, I just felt the need to put it out there.

[jinglebellmel]

So sorry, you've been through some awful experiences. I recently had a mmc a few weeks ago, medically managed, and no body warned me about the 'labour' I have a son and this was very much labour, not the period pains I was led to expect. That in its self is quite scary and traumatic without everything else you've been though.

I coped reasonably well until yesterday, hormones don't seem to be dropping and a friend announced her pregnancy. I'm about 3 weeks post now, so it may hit you later on. Having said that, I feel as if my body was behaving a bit better and the pregnancy announcement hadn't come then I'd still be doing okay. It's so individual I guess it's impossible to say.

I would say dont rush back to things just because you're feeling okay now though, I did and wish I'd taken things a bit easier. So sorry for your losses.

[AKP79]

Thank you for the reply and sorry for your loss too.

The paramedic did say to me that the way a miscarriage feels depends a lot on how far along you are. She thinks that the fact that I was four weeks further on would make a massive difference in the miscarriage, which may be why it was like a labour this time?

The bleeding was the most shocking thing, I've never seen that much blood. Where does it come from!?...

[Lucinda15]

Hello AKP, I'm so sorry for your losses and for the horrible experience you have had. I have had 3 mc's over the last year (11.5 weeks last July, 5 weeks in Nov, and 8 weeks in March). All were spontaneous and passed naturally. My first one, at 11.5 weeks, was very similar to your most recent one. I had painful labour type contractions, and then a pop followed by intense, persistent heavy bleeding. Much like you describe, weeing blood almost. Except I felt with every round of contractions I would get another surge and more tissue would come. I never found my baby, although I'm sure it was passed. I ended up going to a&e and was admitted after passing out several times with low BP and blood loss. I was put on drips overnight and a doctor manually removed everything he could to stop the bleeding. It was ghastly and gruesome and the most horrific thing I have ever been through.

I have read that, as a rule, miscarriages are heavier the further along they are. And this was true for me, when I compare my mc's. In a way, the first one prepared me for the next two, as they were far easier to manage, physically.

I would suggest that it is very very early days. i found that my recovery was in two parts; physical first, and then emotional. I was very weak after all the blood loss. I was on iron tablets for 3 months. And I really felt I was coasting, quite numb and detached. It was only about 3-4 weeks later, when I began to feel stronger that I started to wobble emotionally and felt very blue, and quite erratic. I would be fine some days, then others I would find myself in uncontrollable tears. I was of course sad that we lost our baby, but I think the trauma of the situation affected me badly. It was a very frightening experience and I felt very out of control. I have never been so scared or felt so ill and I think that I struggled with this for a long time.

you may find this all catches up with you. Please just be kind to yourself and don't put any pressure on yourself to feel more than you do right now, or be over it by a certain time. It may come in waves, it may bite you on the bum when you least expect it. just allow yourself to go with it.

The miscarriage association have been great for me when I hit some dark times. Their helpline is good. Some months later, after my 2nd mc, I referred myself for some counselling (free with the NHS, via GP) and it has definitely helped. You may not feel u need it now, but keep in mind. The waiting list for me was 3 months. At the time I made the referral j thought, why not! If I need it then I'll take it, or I won't if I dont. But it turns out I did and I was glad I made the referral.

Good luck with your recovery, please be kind to yourself and don't rush back to work etc. Even if you feel fine emotionally at the moment, physically you need to heal. So allow yourself this for now at the very least.

I will be thinking of you

[AKP79]

Thank you for your reply Lucinda. Things have really hit me today and I've done a lot of crying.

I've also had problems with my ex, he's got 4 yo DS for half of half term. I made arrangements to call on Monday and he's ignored all calls and texts to mobile and landline for the last 24 hours. Finally managed to speak with him and they've gone away without telling me. I keep thinking what if what happened on Friday night had been more serious and we'd had an emergency, I wouldn't of known where DS was.

I'm also feeling sad that our little baby is in the lab today potentially being tested. I know it's important that they run tests but I can't bear the thought of it being tampered with.

I'm also not feeling well. Generally unwell, diarrhoea and very tired.

Tough day today.