Missed miscarriage at 10 weeks - any advice appreciated

[Lonelyfox]

Stumbling across this section has helped me realise that I'm not the only one going through this awful ordeal right now.
I miscarried back in January just before my 12 week scan, and was given an inconclusive "possible ectopic" prognosis. That was my first pregnancy and my first experience of that particular NHS department. After a subsequent check up scan and being given the all clear, I was thrilled to fall again very quickly. At 6 weeks and after strong pains in one side I was sent straight to the EPU where the ultrasound operator bluntly said she suspected I had a blighted ovum as they would have expected to see far more at that stage. I was told to come back in 10 days to see if there had been any progress, as if there hadn't, I'd need to discuss taking certain measures.
I'm sure some of you know what those 10 days were like! I was a nervous miserable wreck. My husband was getting so sick of me by day 9 and told me I needed to snap out of it, it wasn't ectopic so I should just be positive. He was very much "told you so" when the next day we saw a heartbeat. Quite possibly the best moment of my life.
I started to get pains again in my left hip this weekend, but as they came to nothing a few weeks ago, and after reading that stretching pains are totally normal at around week 10, I tried to put it out of my mind. Yesterday however, the pains hadn't stopped and I found a single pale pinky brown drop in my underwear. I was instantly petrified, as this was the first sign that something wasn't right last time.
I had a tiny bit more yesterday afternoon and then nothing more but decided to call my doctor just to ask his advice (if the pains get worse call back, otherwise if it's a miscarriage, there's nothing anyone can do. Call back tomorrow).
I woke up this morning and with my heart going a million miles to the dozen, I visited the bathroom - the relief to find nothing there was indescribable.
About an hour later though I found another darker brown spot. Then another, so I called the doctor. He said he was able to get me an appointment at the EPU but not until tomorrow morning.
My husband went off to work so I called my mum & left a voicemail to say I wouldn't be in to work today (we have a family business) and half an hour later she had called to say that she had managed to get an appointment at a private clinic (she is desperate to be a grandmother) for 3 this afternoon as she wanted to put my mind at ease.
We went along, and when the lady couldn't find anything with the over the stomach wand, I knew things weren't good. She sent me out to the bathroom so she could do a TVS. Now, the worst part of this whole horrible experience was that on the wall in front of me and my mum who was tightly gripping my hand, was a huge flatscreen. When she found the sac and the tiny little bean inside, I could instantly see there was no flashing heartbeat this time.
She was wonderful about it and so gentle and kind in her delivery, but I can still hear her saying "I'm so sorry, it's not good news".
Actually, scratch that, the worst part was when I opened the folder with her report in it, they had tucked behind it the pictures of my dead baby.
I was pretty numb all the way home. It was when we got back that the tears started, and they haven't stopped. To see my mum crying broke my heart all over again.
I can't believe this has happened again. My husband is of the opinion that there was only the beginnings of something there and can't seem to understand my utter devastation.
I called the EPU before heading to bed to explain what had happened but they said that I will still need to go in and they will have to do another internal scan as they would not recognise the one from the clinic.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can go through the pain of miscarrying on my own again but I also can't face another TVS tomorrow knowing what I do.
Has anyone got any advice? Should I just face this alone? I do have private healthcare that I've paid for 6 years and never used - has anyone gone down that route for an ERPC?
I also know the NHS won't refer me to a specialist until I have a 3rd miscarriage. Has anyone seen a specialist privately - is there any point?
I'm just so confused and sad right now. The thought that the little thing that I've become so attached to over the last 10 weeks is dead inside me is almost too much to bear - I'm petrified of what's coming next.

[Bonbonelperro]

Hi, I am so sorry for your losses. I know something of the devastation you are feeling about that bean with no heartbeat as I went through the same thing at a private scan when I should have been around 9 weeks. How did it go today, did you go for a second scan at the EPU?

[purpleRH]

I can't offer advice but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through and please keep talking and don't feel alone with this x

[caza25]

I am so sorry for your lose. If you have private healthcare and can get tears done on it, you should. Even if it is just to put your mind at rest. I had to wait to my 3rd m//c to get an answers if I had to do it again, I would have got tests done definitely after the 2nd lose. The first few day after a mc is so tough, take your time to grieve. But as the days go on you will start to have a few good days ago. It will come in waves and can come back at any time, so be gentle on yourself. Xx

[Lonelyfox]

Thank you so much for your messages.
I ended up seeing a consultant on Wednesday that the lady who did the scan recommended after the dreaded bad news.
She looked at the photos and advised that the sac was quite big and having already been through this once on my own, advised that I be booked in for medical management - for both the pain and the psychological side of things.
I went in yesterday for the ERPC and have to say that I was so well looked after. I was petrified but all the staff couldn't have been nicer - the theatre nurse who took me down held my hand the whole way and was still by my bed when I came round.
I am in agony today - seriously missing the morphine that I was given yesterday. Also shocked at the blood, I had thought this would be a lot easie than it is.
I'm also really struggling with the emotional side of things. After grieving privately last time (I told no-one but close family), this time unfortunately a few friends had guessed I was pregnant 2 weeks ago when we were at a party and I wasn't drinking so my husband is going to have to tell them what has happened as I just can't face them.
My sister in law is about to give birth any day and 3 of my close friends have just announced pregnancies. One more this morning on Facebook via that magical medium of a scan photo.
Deep down of course I'm so happy for them, but I can't help these horrible feelings creeping in. I'm thinking about suspending my Facebook account and I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there for about a year.
My brothers girlfriend came round this morning (I'm staying with my parents until the weekend as the hospital was a lot closer to them than me) and I hid in the bathroom. I am never like this but she left a big box and made me promise to text her when I opened it. It's still sitting outside my bedroom as I just can't face it.
Not really sure how I'm going to get through this. I know that it gets easier but I feel so much more hopeless this time, especially as more people know. I feel so embarrassed too - like I'm a total failure when all my friends and family have managed to have kids without a hitch.
Anyone else felt that they wanted to become a hermit?? So so sad.

[Beyondheartbreak]

Hi lonely just stopping to say I have been through similar in the past couple of weeks and I am a complete hermit. I am even ignoring people on whatsapp including invites for coffee etc. I won't have anyone left in my life soon. I think we need to have this space as for me it is the natural way is to grieve.

I also feel like a failure and know lots of women pregnant or with young kids with no issues at all. They also announced their pregnancy really early
Hope it gets better for you.

[caza25]

Hi Lonelyfox, your feelings are completely normal and it is so difficult because not only are you going through grieving you are having to deal with the emotions that come with it. The emotions are also so strong and take over you. Take time to grieve and take one day at a time. The first few weeks are the hardest where at time you struggle to function. Having gone through this 4 times and each time it gets harder, you will start to function again. You will have good days and laugh again. You will still have waves of the heartache, especially when you see pregnant women or friehds announce their pregnancy. Even though you might not think so you are strong and you will get through this. But for the minute cry when you want to, lock yourself a way and take time for yourself. Make sure to let your partner in to hold you and for him to let you know that it is all ok and he is there for you. Big hugs