Yesterday would've been my due date.

[samk15]

Here's the thing.........................The fact that we are all on here asking each other for help, advice and support is rubbish for us all, if I could give you all a big hug I would do. I'm sorry for my own loses and I am sorry for yours.

Yesterday would've been my due date had my pregnancy continued as it should, it has bought up a whole load of emotions that I didn't think I had. It was my first ever pregnancy and I was so delighted. I just didn't think I'd ever be lucky enough to get pregnant, I didn't sleep for a week! I felt like I had 'arrived'

I had a few errands to run at the , so off I went - big mistake! I couldn't help wanting to cry my eyes out at all of the lucky ladies who were pushing around their babies in their bright Cosatto pushchairs (I'd already picked the design I was going to buy for my baby!) It was very hard.

I had 2 miscarriages last year, the second one came as less of a shock than the first, although still just as devastating. My body letting me down again.

So because of my age (38) and because I am diabetic (well controlled) I was referred for tests all of which came back normal. So now is the time to start ttc again and I don't mind admitting that I am TERRIFIED of having another miscarriage, I feel emotional just thinking about the journey ahead but the desire to be a mum just won't let me give up.

I know full well everybody's journey is different but I would love to hear some positive stories. And I absolutely promise to post a happy ending story if I get one.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings

Much love x

[Kaz4755]

Hello, I am so sorry for your losses. It's a horrible time isn't it, the due date being the hardest I found. I was the same as you, everywhere I went there were babies, pregnant people, friends announcing pregnancies and all I wanted to do was breakdown and cry. I'm 37 and had a Mmc at 35, found out at 12 weeks and was devastated. I got pregnant on our honeymoon so it literally took one night, but trying to conceive after the Mmc didn't take one night! I think probably because I was so fixated on getting pregnant and stressed. But! Because you wanted to hear a positive story here goes! I was having a scan done to find out whether everything was ok with my ovaries and everything was fine, the woman told me she thought I would be fine and to stop worrying, it will happen. Little did I know that I was already pregnant I'm not sure if the sonographer was aware or not. The whole of my pregnancy I was worrying but low and behold my 8 month old bundle of joy is upstairs in her cot! It took me about 6 months to get pregnant and it felt like ages and it would never happen but in my more rational mind 6 months wasn't long. I haven't forgotten all the pain and the little one we lost but without having that loss my beautiful daughter would not be here, that's how I try and look at it now. I don't forget my due date of the baby we lost but with time it gets easier. I look forward to hearing your news sometime in the future! Xx oh and please try not to worry about your age, the midwife I saw told me the majority of people they see these days are 35+. Thinking of you.

[daisydalrymple]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I had a MMC in 2012, and I too found the due date really hard. Totally different situation for me, as it would have been dc3, but it hit me so much on the day, watching ds1 and dd, who were 5&3 at the time, it felt like it would have been the perfect time for the sibling they were forever asking for.

I am now settling 16mo ds2, who I had in 2014 at the age of 43. I appreciate its a different scenario for you with having your first, but wanted to share my story, especially with me being 'older'

Be kind to yourself, and do something to mark yesterday if it will help. I always have cake every year for my little bean that didn't make it, and bought a decoration for the christmas tree that first year, which goes on first every year now x

[samk15]

Kaz4755 and Daisydalrymple

Thank you for taking the time to reply, both bought a lump to my throat. (proper crazy emotional woman atm lol)

I am so pleased to hear that there are positive stories, obviously for myself, for you both and for others too. The fact that you have gone on to have children is fab. I think my age really worries me but I just have to get it in to perspective. We have only started trying again in the last month so its a bit of a waiting game and I am so impatient.

Please could I ask how you coped when you got pregnant again? How do you not vomit with worry every day??!!! as opposed to morning sickness!! I am already scared and its not even happened yet.


When, (not if) it happens I will keep you posted. Thank you again for reply, its good to have people to talk to who understand.

Sam xx

[Pinkheart5915]

So sorry for the loss you experienced, this world Is so cruel sometimes. 2 in a year is just unthinkable.

I had a stillbirth a few years ago, it took me and dh years to feel ready to try again and when we did it happened so quickly, we now have a gorgeous, healthy ds who is 6 months and a little girl on the way due in August.

It is natural to be scared after a loss, I know I was and having a supportive partner is something that really helps you get through this. I won't lie I did worry more though out my pregnancy with ds and I do worry a lot in my current pregnancy but you deal with it somehow and you have to believe everything will be ok.

Do let us know When it happens for you.

[daisydalrymple]

Hi Sam, for me, the mmc took away the innocence of pregnancy. I was absolutely delighted to get a bfp two years later, but those first three months were fraught waiting for the scan and convinced I would be told again there was no heartbeat.

Even at the 20 week scan when she confirmed the heartbeat, I burst into tears. I hadn't realised I was still so worried. But on the other hand, I did appreciate every single movement even more, and enjoyed every single pregnancy related ache and pain!

I didn't find it so easy on the ante natal threads, as I found it quite difficult reading the endless threads of ladies thinking at 8 weeks or whenever that their symptoms had disappeared and they wanted a reassurance scan etc. I think the Internet and access to so much information (including negative, sadly), has made more women question every tiny detail of a normal healthy pregnancy, when it should be a time of enjoyment.

I hope you get that bfp when you're ready for it, and enjoy a happy healthy pregnancy. You'll never forget your little bean xx

[samk15]

Hi Daisy,

That's the saddest part about all of this, I will never get that giddy, excitement ever again. I think innocence is such a eloquent way of describing it. The BFP result will almost bring a feeling of dread which is such a shame. I have already thought about going for a private scan at 6 weeks but then again it doesn't change what can happen anyway. I think I might have to get a dog to take my mind off the waiting!!

Anyway, as I said before, it is GREAT to hear positive stories and I am glad you got your happy ending eventually. As you say, you never forget the ones you lost but I think we will be reunited one day xx

[samk15]

Thank you for sharing your story, Pinkheart. I imagine a stillbirth is one of the most heart breaking and horrendous things to have to go through.
I am so pleased you have gone on to have more children, proof that happy endings can happen!

I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family around me and my partner is very kind but not very good at expressing himself emotionally - lucky for him I can read him like a book!!

I will keep you posted x