Why don't I feel more sad?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this and I don't want to cause any offence but I want to talk about how I'm feeling because I'm worried it isn't normal

I had my Mirena Coil out on the 27th January, had a positive OPK on the 10th of February and then a BFP on the 20th of February.

I was very happy but because it had all happened so quickly I'm not sure it really sank in. Me and DH went from taking steps to start TTC to then being pregnant in the space of 24 days.

For some reason, despite my happiness, the excitement that I'd had when I had been pregnant with DS (now 2yrs old) just wasn't there. I was part of a FB Antenatal group and on there I wrote about my feelings about how pregnancy just didn't feel the same this time round and how guilty I felt because of it. Maybe something in me knew that things weren't going to work out.

I continued to take HPTs over the next 7-8 days and still smiled with each BFP but I also felt a dread in the pit of my stomach because the lines were getting fainter. I obsessed on FB about it (and MN) and was reassured but something in me just didn't feel pregnant, I just felt like I wasn't going to end up with a baby.

11 days after my first BFP I took a HPT and it said negative. I took about 4 more and they all said negative too. I cried a lot that day, I was devastated

I didn't feel surprised or shocked though, I was resigned to the fact that what I suspected would happen, had.

I went to the doctors the next day and cried, my friend came over in the evening and I cried, the miscarriage then started the following day and I just kept crying. I was unbelievably sad

I had to phone work yesterday to inform them and I cried again

It has been just over 48 hours now since the miscarriage started and suddenly my raw sadness has gone. I'm still upset by what's happening but I no longer feel devastated. Maybe I'm just feeling numb, I don't know. I accept I have miscarried but I don't feel like I've lost a baby, I don't feel like I'm grieving, does that sound awful? . It's so hard to explain.

Yesterday DS was doing something spectacularly funny and me and DH were in fits of giggles with him - surely that isn't normal, surely I should be feeling worse than I am? How can I be laughing at things so soon after this has happened?

I feel so confused as to how I am feeling compared to how I think I should be feeling.

My upset and devastation from that first negative BFP was so genuine so where has it gone?

Maybe it's because I never truly felt pregnant, I just don't know.

It has helped to write all this down and I'm sorry to any offence or upset I may cause anyone by talking about my feelings.

[Quoteunquote]

It all comes in waves, feeling numb is our body coping method of limiting what we can cope with.

and don't ever apologies for expressing your feelings and thoughts, all are always valued and you are entitled to anything you need to process.

Just be very kind to yourself and each other.

[SweetAdeline]

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks last year. I agree that it comes in waves and there have been moments where I feel more sad, I generally have not felt that sad. I'd been ttc for nearly a year before falling pregnant so had plenty of time to get used to the idea too. I just think it affects different people differently.
I also think that for me having DC already and knowing that in all likelihood I will have more success staying pregnant in the future has softened the blow a lot.

[Luckystar1]

I had a MMC with my first pregnancy and I was devastated. Truly and completely and it has never left me.

Friends who have had miscarriages with subsequent pregnancies (so when they already have one or more children) have said that they have found their children offer them a lot of comfort with dealing with the upset. This may also be true in your case.

I completely agree though with PP, be prepared for waves of emotion (a full range of grief emotions sometimes).

I actually found it got worse as months went by (sorry!) and I still wasn't pregnant (it took 4 months post miscarriage) and I found I hated anyone who was due when I should've been, so also be prepared for that.

[SignoraStronza]

You're entitled to feel how you feel OP. FWIW I've been in a similar situation. The lines remained quite faint and I never really 'felt' pg. At 7 weeks, just as I was getting used to the idea of having another baby, I started bleeding. I think I was a bit emotional/disappointed for the first day or so, but the practical part of me realised that there was probably something 'wrong' with the pregnancy anyway.
I think the worse bit was was when I was pg again the following cycle and was rather paranoid about whether it would stick and if all was ok. If I'm honest, I only truely relaxed after the 20 week scan.
I am lucky in that it is the only micarriage (chemical pg really?) I've ever had. I can't begin to imagine the pain of recurrent mc.
Just be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong way that you should be feeling.

[squizita]

There isn't 'one' way to feel. There's no right and wrong.

It might not even hit you in waves - you might be able to get over this quicker than you expected, and it doesn't make it 'wrong'.

Some of my miscarriages hit me much much harder than others. There is a taboo about saying that but it's true, a loss might devastate someone one time, much less another.

[squizita]

...Oh and in spite of being a recurrent miscarrier I never got the resentment and hate thing. So it might not happen to you.

The fear and anxiety when pregnant was massive. It affects everyone differently.

[sianihedgehog]

OP, I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks last year and I've never felt like I was grieving a lost baby either. I felt desperately sad for a few days, but I felt disappointed, not grief. I was sad about the plans and dreams, not about a person.
Mine was conceived literally on the first shag of trying, too, so I wonder if it's just that I wasn't as used to imagining the baby.

[Pineapple80]

Hi OP,

Sorry for your loss. I had a mmc last month and I felt okay. I had signs of things being not right, like some light spotting and early scans showed slow growth. So I think I had an idea things may not be ok but still hoped things would be fine. I also have a dc, and I felt having him brought me comfort.

It is now about 3 wks since I found out about the mmc and have since had a D&C and only a few days ago I cried. I felt very emotional for a couple of days. Other than that I didn't even cry or feel devastated. Sad, yes. I think I had delayed grief but feeling good now and look forward to starting ttc again. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to feel, everyone deals with things in their own ways. Take care

[Writerwannabe83]

Thanks Pineapple, and sorry to hear of your loss.

I find huge comfort in having DS, when I feel low I just look at him and think how lucky I am. Having him around me just eases the pain a little.

The bleeding has pretty much stopped now but I have started feeling quite low about it all now. I still find it very hard to talk about it and find myself fighting back the tears a little.

It's not helping that I'm feeling pressured to go back to work. My Manager rang me yesterday as I'm supposed to be in on Saturday and she said she wanted to see if I was coming in. She didn't offer any condolences, or say she was sorry it happened and she didn't ask how I was either, she just wanted to know when I was coming back.

[Pineapple80]

I'm sorry that your manager is not more sensitive and understanding. I can't imagine working through that experience and grateful I am currently not working.

I hope you are feeling ok and hope the road to healing is kind to you. I am finding myself thinking of the mc a bit more lately. Like I would've been 13wks tomorrow, hard to believe and can't help but think of these milestones I was meant to reach. I think the word to describe how i feel sometimes to melancholic...

Take care and wishing u all the best