Most useful article I've seen on miscarriage grief

[Sophia1984]

I haven't been able to stop googling 'miscarriage how to stop feeling sad' and 'did I cause my miscarriage' and so on, and so on.. and finally I found an article that really helped so I thought I would share it: www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/grief-issues-special-to-miscarriage/

It has a list of the different kinds of grief specific to miscarriage and I identified with so many of them:


•the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
•the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together – we had made plans for life
•the loss of being able to call ourselves a mother (if no previous pregnancies)
•the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
•the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
•the actual physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the amount of blood passed
•the confusion and dismay when experiencing a ‘blighted ovum’ when there is only an empty sac
•the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
•the loss of the belief system we didn’t even necessarily recognise we held that says “this won’t happen to me”
•the loss of our basic trust in life and the fear and insecurity of a less predictable world
•the loss of control over our expectations of life
•the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
•the loss of self-confidence
•the loss of control of our feelings
•the threat of loss of our identity
•the failure to reproduce when the body is giving monthly signals of fertility
•the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
•the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
•the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
•to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a ‘natural part of life’ and our jealousy, envy, anger and sometimes bitterness of that
•the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
•dealing with others’ inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
•dealing with the thoughtless attitude of others, who have children without experiencing problems, which can be complacent, smug or pitying (perhaps unintentionally)
•dealing with our feelings over others’ pregnancies (relatives being even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
•our strong reaction when we observe children being mistreated, feeling how precious they would be to us
•the ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ that may result from us not even knowing we were pregnant
•the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
•the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
•the thought that our body failed both of us – my body – I failed
•the thought that only 1 heart beats in my body again
•the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know he or she is dead
•the difficulty in understanding how hard it is to miss someone we have never met
•the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
•the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
•the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to pay or be eligible for further IVF treatment
•the feeling we have let our partner/others down
•the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
•the feelings of guilt and regret and that we deserved to lose our baby because we even considered an abortion, although we didn’t go ahead
•the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
•the feeling of being emotionally crippled
•the little anticipation of grieving when the miscarriage happens very suddenly with no warning
•the pain of not knowing the baby’s sex
•the pain of not ever knowing the cause of loss
•that miscarriage is a grief with no picture memories and so few others
•no answer to why, means blaming ourselves
•continuing to grieve for – the lost possibilities – the unknown – even a glimpse of the mystery of our potential little human being

I had thought I was feeling better since I found out I lost my baby last Thursday, but I'm finding it really difficult to do anything today. I'm meant to be working from home, but not getting anything done. Hope you are all doing ok x

[LostInTheTriangle]

Hi Sophia,
Just wanted to thank you for sharing the link to the article. I've emailed it to myself. I had a mmc in April. Not trying to conceive again just yet.
I'm so sorry to read that you have been through similar.
I hope you will be able to take some time off work to grieve for your lost pregnancy.
Thank you again for sharing.

[Sophia1984]

Hi Cassy :) Glad it helps. I don't have any kids either, and I know what you mean. We have the extra worry of whether we will be able to have any children in addition to the grief of losing one. I'm fortunate in that I had a very early miscarriage and didn't have to have any treatment - that must have been really tough for you, and I'm not surprised you're still finding it hard after just a fortnight. I think sometimes people take their lead from us, and if we seem to be doing ok they don't want to bring it up. Does that make sense? One thing that has helped me with seeing pregnant friends and babies is to think that I don't know what struggles they may have gone through to get there. I hope that helps x

Hi Lostinthetriangle. Sorry to hear about your loss and glad the article helped. We're not going to TTC for a while either as me getting pregnant so quickly made us realise it's not quite the right time. Doesn't stop me wishing I was though. I'm feeling a lot better since I posted this - I've got some work away days this week so hopefully that will get me back into 'work mode'. Take care x

[5678group]

I've not had a miscarriage but my friend recently did, I can't pretend to understand how she feels. Is it something you would want sent to you or is that too much? She only told me and her dh and said she had to stop googling. Dont want to shove unwanted 'help' at her.

[JuliaV1971]

Thanks for this, I had an ectopic in April after a year of IVF and our last embryo and chance because of my age 44 - this resonates so much. Thank you for posting.