mmc at 11 weeks, best friend now pregnant

(9 Posts)
canucks1 Mon 18-May-15 13:48:28

I recently had a mmc at 11 weeks, it came as a real shock and I am finding it harder than I ever expected. I am in my third week back at work after two weeks off.
I have severe endometriosis and have been informed we may need IVF if we fail to conceive naturally so the pregnancy was the most amazing thing to happen to us and I felt over the moon the whole time I was pregnant, whilst staying very cautious. Now the shock from being so incredibly happy to so incredibly sad is hard.
I hadn't had the chance to speak to one of my closest friends about the miscarriage until the weekend when she came to visit. She is a lovely and thoughtful friend so I know she will have considered how to tell me her news, but before we'd had the chance to discuss my miscarriage she informed me was pregnant. She didn't want to avoid telling me, and she didn't want to discuss the whole miscarriage with me and then at the end say 'guess what' - however the timing felt awful and I couldn't control my reaction and I cried... I now feel guilty and so bad that her pregnancy has caused such a reaction in me. We talked a lot and both said we are close enough to be both happy and sad for one another. Once she left I cried all evening and into the night, my reaction felt so extreme and I'm not sure my husband really understands why. For me, if I'm honest, it's both envy and knowing I'll have to watch her experience her pregnancy and baby whilst I am grieving over the loss of mine.

Sorry this is so long. Has anyone else had a close friend become pregnant at the same time as their miscarriage? How did you manage it?

xxx

babyangelbean20315 Mon 18-May-15 13:52:54

It's hard. Only time will help I personally didn't have a close friend mine were people from work but it was extremely hard as one had the same due date as me, it will be difficult and when her baby comes u will probably feel shit but you will be ok with it eventually, it may feel like a life time away but it won't be this hard forever I promise u that xxx sorry for your loss

foraret Mon 18-May-15 13:57:16

That's a tricky back drop for a friendship. You say it will be hard to watch her pregnancy, my advice would be don't watch her pregnancy. Take a year off or a step back from the friendship. In five years you'll probably both be mtohers to small kids and it'll be an EASY friendship again but it'd be a real challenge to feel close right now. Don't force yourself to fake it.

I hope you find friends who are going through what you're going through right now.

babyangelbean20315 Mon 18-May-15 14:02:28

I don't agree, I think if ur close enough you shouldn't need to take time away from her, she will understand why you can't celebrate like everyone else, yea don't watch it happen but don't lose a friendship whilst everything's going on....spend less time and don't help with baby stuff but don't stop being around, u need ur friends, especially when u say uve spoke and u are both happy for her but sad for u. She gets it..don't stop seeing her because it upsets u, ur going to see it everywhere now this has happened, ur friend will want to help u
just don't help with baby stuff, I don't think it is right to not be around ur friend for a yr, maybe a month or so but like I said she understands what's wrong

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Mon 18-May-15 14:09:10

Huge, huge hugs. I know exactly where you're coming from. I mc at 11 weeks and my sister conceived almost exactly the same time.

When she told me it's the closest I've felt to my heart breaking. She went through all the stages I was supposed to. I couldn't talk to her about her pregnancy as it was just too painful. Each time I tried I just couldn't separate my mc from her pregnancy. My family were excited as this would be the first in the new generation and I was so bitter that it wasn't my baby.

I was lucky to get pregnant 6 months later but even when I heard she was in labour I cried.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's fine and natural to be angry. You haven't "just" lost a baby. You've lost the idea of being parents, the plans you've made and a mental future with your child. You need to give yourself time to grieve and it's made all the more difficult when you see someone else with what you desperately want.

I'd highly recommend counselling - it really helped me understand my feelings.thanks thanks

canucks1 Mon 18-May-15 14:23:41

Thanks for your replies. It's amazing to find a space where I can be completely honest about how I'm feeling. It is so so hard.

That must have been exceptionally hard to see you sister pregnant so soon after your miscarriage. Were your sister and parents sensitive throughout?

I think I'm worried that my friends sensitivities will be short lived, I can't see me ever not finding it difficult, it's just learning how to manage it all. She is such a good friend so not being friends is not something I'd want, but with these situations they just need to be handled so carefully by everyone as I can see they have the power the make and break friendships easily. I never ever imagined I'd be the person she would need to tip toe around and I'd be the person she couldn't share all the details about her pregnancy with but right now she really couldn't. It's ridiculous to say but out of the pair of us, I'm the one who is massively maternal, works in education, spends loads of time with little ones, nieces, nephews, etc etc and my friend openly admits she is not massively maternal and isn't sure how she'll take to motherhood. I just always thought I'd be having the babies first... such a silly thing to get hung up on but I am jealous she will experience it before me. xxx

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Mon 18-May-15 18:07:01

She tried to act normally around me but it didn't really work. We were quite distant through the pregnancy. She got annoyed with me for not taking an interest but I just couldn't. Hardest time of my life.

Things are much better now and like a pp said, sometimes a bit of space is good to then pick up the relationship further down the line. I think if you go with that option, you need to be really honest with your friend otherwise she might be quite hurt.

It's all very recent for you too. Your hormones must still be a bit unsettled which doesn't help. Just be kind to yourself. I found tequila cocktails to be immensely helpful but that's not for everyone wink

Brummiegirl15 Tue 19-May-15 17:17:41

Hi

I know exactly what you are feeling. I've had 3 mc's in the last year, with no children yet and I've really struggled.

Both a close friend of mine and a direct colleague were pregnant when I lost my 3rd and I was just trapped in a vicious circle of resentment and pain.

I struggled with both of them being pregnant but they dealt with it differently. Colleague was really sensitive and tried not to talk about her pregnancy and asked me lots if questions about my tests etc. and as hard as I found it facing her, and how painful it was. It was hard for her too, I feel like she's not been able to enjoy her pregnancy - but I am grateful for how sensitive she's been.

Friend on the other hand completely withdrew from me. - it was almost as like she didn't want to face me or know what to say. So as a result I really struggled when her baby was born. We are exactly the same age (colleague is younger) and I all can think is "why did her baby survive and my 3 didn't?"

It's hard and I feel your pain xx

canucks1 Wed 20-May-15 11:03:45

That sounds so hard Brummiegirl. I am finding also that people react in different ways (which is natural I suppose but not easy to deal with also). For me I find it easiest when they ask me questions and don't ignore the subject. When it's not mentioned I feel worse and like I'm facing it all alone.

I find now that when I have a spare moment or when I'm going to sleep at night my mind is full of thoughts about my friend's pregnancy. It has totally dominated my thoughts since I found out when really I should be processing the grief from my own miscarriage. I can feel I've latched onto that news and its like salt in a wound! I definitely feel worse since she told me so half of me feels like I'd rather she waited and gave me a few more weeks to process my own news but she'd never have known what the best thing to do is, I feel like whatever she did I'd probably have found fault with it somehow!

I hope you are your friend are able to rebuild a friendship now the baby is born but I know this must be very hard, I just hope she withdrew for the right reasons and doesn't hold anything against you and understands how hard this is for you.
xx

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