Am I expecting too much?

(10 Posts)
thesmallbear Tue 22-Jul-14 17:11:51

So I had the medical management (pessaries) to bring on my miscarriage on 11th June. I passed the sac 6 days later on 16th June.

On the 19th June my best friend's baby was born, three weeks early. He had to stay in hospital for a few days due to being small but was fine. It was very difficult receiving a text about how cute the new born baby was etc, 2 days after losing mine but I did the right thing and sent a nice text back to congratulate.

My friend knew that I was in the middle of having a miscarriage as I'd been in touch about it before the birth of her baby. On 22nd June (Sun), I sent a text to ask how the baby was and for her address (recently moved) so I could send a card. I also mentioned that I passed the sac the Monday just gone and that I had an appointment with EPU 2nd July to check for retained tissue and if there was any I'd have to have an operation. No reply to that text & no contact on or after 2nd July to check that I was ok or whether I needed the op or not.

Now I know that having a baby is a massive life changing event and that my friend will be extremely busy, but surely it's not expecting too much for my friend to remember me and ask how I'm doing? She has had time to put baby pictures on Facebook, so surely she has 30 seconds to send a text message. My other two close friends both remembered and checked in to see how I was. I feel really annoyed. Am I being reasonable? Should I be making allowances due to her being a new mum?

BitchPeas Tue 22-Jul-14 17:31:16

Yanbu

I've had a baby and lost a baby so been on both sides of this and IMO, You are friends, you went through a huge horrible thing and still remebered to text her offering your congratulations. Having a baby doesn't render your thumbs useless and you do have spare 30 second windows to text.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

When I had to have a TFMR it was 50:50 with my friends really, some were amazing, some were awful. It took me a long time to forgive them tbh and they are now bumped down to acquaintance, I wouldn't go out of my way for them. It's harsh and it's hard, but the awful things in life sometimes show you peoples true colours.

Look after yourself brew cake

Marmaladecat1 Tue 22-Jul-14 17:40:06

I can only the above post.
I too have now been on both sides of it.
I still had time to text or call my friends, especially if I knew she needed me.

People really do show their true colours and frankly my friends list is now somewhat shorter!

I'm so sorry for your loss

Marmaladecat1 Tue 22-Jul-14 17:41:43

Can only echo the above post that should say.

thesmallbear Tue 22-Jul-14 18:08:19

Thanks for your advice. I kind of think to myself, 'yes, having a baby is a big deal and you're busy, but at least your baby made it!' Is that a bit harsh? I kind of think losing a baby is a bigger deal in a way (not that it's a competition).

She lives overseas at the moment but will be home at Christmas with the baby. It was going to be hard enough to see her with the new baby anyway, but now I really feel like I can't be arsed with her tbh. I'm not a confrontational person though and I don't want to start a row and make things awkward for our mutual friends when she's only back for a few weeks.

rascalrae Tue 22-Jul-14 19:49:31

I can understand why you feel annoyed and at such an emotional time, you're bound to feel even more sensitive. Your friend might have the best intentions, perhaps she feels awkward about her happy situation in stark contrast to yours and doesn't know what to say. Perhaps she thinks it's best to leave you to grieve. Or perhaps she's just so immersed in her new world that she's being really selfish. But sad that she can't drop you a quick message to say she's thinking of you. Do you have mutual friends who could help work out what the real issue is? Give it some time. But sadly, as others have said, sometimes friends let you down. Stick with the people that make you feel good for now & try not to dwell on it.

Take care

thesmallbear Tue 05-Aug-14 16:18:03

This friend has only just got in touch today by email.

1st thing she writes on the email - she's heard I'm going to Ibiza and is jealous. I was a bit of a raver in the past and go to Ibiza most years, but wasn't going to go this year as I should be five months pregnant. She knows that the only reason I can go now is because I'm not pregnant anymore. I am fuming! If she's that jealous she can switch places with me angry

2nd thing she writes on the email - she's looking forward to going to a friend's wedding which is over a year away.

3rd thing she writes - "Do you have to go the hospital again or are you ok (physically at least) now?" Well thanks for asking almost six weeks after I told you I may need an operation!

How do I handle this? very tempted to write back and say 'well as the reason for me being able to go to Ibiza is because my baby died, I don't actually feel very lucky!'

sizethree Tue 05-Aug-14 16:31:56

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. It is the biggest heartache imaginable and I'm sad that you're having to go through it too.
I'd write an email explaining how you're feeling abs how she has made you feel. Do this as you'll find it cathartic but don't send it.
Re read it in a few days time (don't fret about timing, she took her sweet assed time) and edit it accordingly as your feelings will have settled.
Tbh I think she's pretty out of order. I've been saddened by many of friends reactions to my pregnancy losses over the tough months. And the worst offenders have always been the smug new mums who get pregnant just by a willy being waved at them the first month of marriage. But what gets me through is knowing that I can be a better friend to others then they have managed to be to me.

EffinIneffable Tue 12-Aug-14 17:03:26

Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick. If you feel inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt it may be that she is just really socially inept and doesn't know how to deal with difficult, emotional situations, so is trying to gloss over it and pretend it doesn't really exist. I think if it were me, I'd either just avoid her for a while and relegate her to the B-Team (or C-Team) of friends - which is probably what I'd do because I am also a bit of a socially inept dick - or reply and say quite straightforwardly that your mc has been really traumatic. A lot of people who've not experienced it seem to think that it isn't really a big deal - comments like 'it's really common' and 'it was very early' reveal that people don't really know that it's actually a serious life changing event.

How are you feeling now? It's also important to let yourself be sad and grieve, and perhaps seek some help for dealing with your own feelings of anger and loss. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, but it's hard and takes a long time to deal with the complicated emotions after mc. Take care of yourself x

thesmallbear Tue 12-Aug-14 17:43:40

I actually emailed her back this morning and said 'I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but the comment about being jealous of my holiday has upset me as the only reason I can go now is because we lost our baby.' I also stated that the last few months have been very difficult both emotionally and physically. I didn't mention the thing about not checking if I needed the operation as my partner and friend advised me not to go there. They said that saying the above about the 'jealous of holiday' comment would make the point.

She emailed straight back as soon as she read it. I hadn't replied to her email a couple of hours later (as I hadn't checked them) so she text to apologise too. Her email said she hadn't thought of it like that, she just thought it was my normal holiday. She said that she didn't want to mention her baby as she didn't want to upset me and had had inadvertently made a mistake by trying to avoid the subject.

At first I was still quite angry because the thing I'm most upset about is her not checking whether I needed the operation or not, rather than her comments about the holiday (but of course I didn't raise that with her). But then when I calmed down I thought, 'well she emailed back straight away and followed up with a text so she must care.' I do think it was out of order not checking if I needed the operation and if I was ok, but her behaviour today does seem to indicate that she gives a shit. Maybe she just made a mistake before and I should let it go? There's no point in me carrying around anger about this when there's so much hurt inside about the miscarriage anyway.

I have replied to say I accept her apology and explained that in a way I wish I wasn't going on holiday at all because it's delayed us trying again. I also said 'I'm not going to lie hearing people talk about their babies hurts like hell, but you're my friend and I want to know that you're both ok.' I suppose it helps to take the moral high ground. She knows she's upset me now so hopefully that will make her step up. I'll see how it goes. Moving forward I expect a better level of support for our friendship to survive.

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