Bouncing between emotions

[trustissues75]

I was 9 weeks pregnant on Christmas Eve but had a massive bleed with continued lighter bleeding on the 23rd and then again on the 24th - I finally stopped bleeding this morning. It made for a shitty Christmas because none of my family knew and my mother wouldn't just bloodywell let me lie down when I needed to, the hospital were complete shit - couldn't get me in until Thursday at which point I was ready to just get home as I couldn't stand the effort it was taking with the family and left with partner to go back to the Midland (plus the whole logistics of partner having to be back in work and no one apart form a couple of friends in the area knowing what was going on made me think it was going to be easier to get back home where I thought there were better maternity facilities). After being bounced around Leicester Royal and eventually found out this morning that I have to make an appointment with my Dr first...I have my first midwife appointment on Monday anyway...

I'm so bloody angry, and sad, and angry, and sad. It wasn't a planned pregnancy - complete accident and me and DP were in conflict over what to do and now it's hit me that this is really it for me...no more babies ever. I'm never going to be a mum again, unless I bugger off and try to find someone else, which I don't plan to do.

I never wanted just one child - I'd always planned to have more but life took a huge left turn in the form of an abusive NSDH...

I'm having a really hard time getting my head around it - I'd already fit her into my life (with or without DP) - she had a name and a personality, she was real to me.

I have to go and be all happy and upbeat at my lovely in-laws in a couple of days because it's my MIL's birthday on the 1st and I just don't think I can face it but they don't know, there's no way I can tell them because I know DP would not be happy with them knowing - I have a strong suspicion that DP's cousin is going to turn up with the 1 year old twins and I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to keep it together and there will be no-where I can go and hide to pull myself together because the house will be chocca with people. I'm not good at dealing with being upset in front of people as it is - I get defensive - so I'm worried.

This really is the end of the line for me baby-wise - I thought I was okay with that - I'm not, not at all.

[Bakingtins]

I'm sorry it's all very raw at the moment and hard to come to terms with the loss.
I'd get out of the party - invent a norovirus outbreak or something and pull a sickie. You need some time to get your head around this before you have to present a brave face to the world.

[diyqueen]

I'm so sorry and can completely understand how you feel. I hope your dp is supporting you and looking after you regardless. I agree that inventing another illness (norovirus I'd ideal!) might be the best idea for avoiding the family get together.

[trustissues75]

Thanks Bat and Diy

DP is being a typical man - carrying on with life though he is doing most of the grunt work because I'm just exhausted.

I have my MW appointment this morning - hopefully the truly crap maternity services will finally come through, get me a scan etc so I can move on.