I'm trying to conceive after still birth...

(19 Posts)
Appleseed365 Mon 21-May-12 13:57:17

It's now just 13 weeks since our darling daughter Elsie was born sleeping. I am 40 years old and have been told we should start trying soon to give ourselves the best chance of making a family.

I am scared and emotionally ruined from what has happened but know I really need to get a grip of this if I want to have a life with children. I have only had one period so far but know as each month passes I must start to try!

Please can anyone out there help me to frame this in a positive way. Someone did send me a message saying they got pregnant very soon after a still birth and it was scary and hard but they were getting through it in a positive way, but I can't find them here... I guess no time to start will be the right time, and I can really hardly imagine actually growing another baby in me right now. Seeing old photos of me with my huge bump just rips my heart out. How can I be brave... How can I speed up the grieving and get strong?

If you have had a still birth or neo natal death and went on soon after to be pregnant again, and were older... Can you get in share any advice for one struggling, scared, worried woman.

Thanks ladies... Apologies if this is in the wrong forum section, couldn't find where to write it.

Lots of love.

Xx

Wigeon Mon 21-May-12 14:01:47

I'm so sorry for your loss.

There is a whole big thread of women who have been through something similar and are now conceiving another child here. I'm sure there are lots of women there who would be hapy to chat, and I know there are several on that thread who are now pregnant / have had other babies.

Hope you can get some support there.

jkklpu Mon 21-May-12 14:04:59

So sorry at your news. Definitely go to the other thread for support. I'm 39 and had mc in March last yr, but ds3 is 5 weeks old today, so do not despair grin

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a little boy at 20 weeks pg last sept. We haven't used any contraception since but I'm still not pg. Probably to do with lack of sex (tmi)

I do want to become pregnant again but I'm also scared, which is natural I'm sure.

Sorry I'm not much help x

Agree with wigoen about the conception thread. I don't use it but I have spoken to some of the women who use it and they're lovely x

Vondo Wed 23-May-12 17:09:49

Hi Appleseed - I'm so sorry for your loss.

My DS2 was stillborn in Dec 07. My DS3 was born in Dec 08 - 1 year and 4 days after DS2 was born.

We conceived very quickly and not entirely planned that way and it was a scary experience but I was monitored twice a week from 30 weeks and was booked to be induced at 36 weeks - DS3 being the impatient boy that he is decided that he was coming before Father Christmas and arrived on 23 December a whole 6 weeks early and a healthy 6lbs 8!

There is no way to speed up the grieving process. I didn't give myself time to grieve because I fell pregnant so quickly - I focused all my attention on being pregnant and doing everything I could to get him here alive.

Take your time, try not to worry and please have a wee look on the thread linked by the other lovely ladies.

thanks

Jules125 Thu 24-May-12 20:42:59

I had a stillbirth a few days before my 38th birthday in 2009. Like you, I felt I had to try again soon or I would never have a living child. I got pregnant quite easily but miscarried (twice) over the next 6-9 months. I'm sure you can imagine just how awful that period was and I really hope you are luckier faster if you can manage to try again

Whilst I felt like quitting by then I did get pregnant again the next month after the second mc (almost a year after the stillbirth then) and have a wonderful 18 month DD now who is totally adorable. I still think about my first DD all the time and wonder what it would be like to have two DDs, but despite that I am very very happy with my life. Time will move on for you as well eventually - 13 weeks is nothing at all and you probably just need to experience these awful fears and feelings right now.

I don't know if I can share any advice except that to be struggling and scared is normal. My stillbirth was due to pre-eclampsia which statistically has a high chance of recurring as well. I almost died in my first pregnancy as well as my DD. People told me how brave I was to try again (but I never felt brave at all more just shit scared). But I knew that if I waited and found I could not get pregnant again as I got older I would regret that later on. So I kind of felt driven to keep trying whilst I still had a reasonable chance. I can't say that I ever managed to frame it positively (I was never even certain that I wanted to try again / keep trying after all I'd been through), but the ending the next time was just wonderful and so positive.

I hope this helps a little. Don't feel bad that you cannot be certain about trying again, or brave, or positive. I am happy to talk privately if that might help x

emmalou82 Sun 27-May-12 14:34:59

Hello appleseed.
I'm in a similar situation. Our beautiful son was born sleeping just over 12 weeks ago. At first TTC again was the last thing I felt like doing but it's now become a bit of an obsession. I don't know if it's something you've already tried but there are private groups on the SANDS forum site specifically for those TTC (including a TTC for mums over 35 group). Obviously everyone on there has also experienced a stillbirth or neonatal loss. I've found it helpful to be a bit of a lurker at first, reading other women in similar situations stories and current feelings. They're a very supportive bunch.

Good luck with whatever you decide; only you will know what's the right thing for you, and it may take some time for you to reach your decision.

Feel free to PM me. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Sun 27-May-12 18:11:58

I'm so sorry that your Elsie was stillborn, from my friends who have been through this I don't think it matters how soon you conceive afterwards with respect to how difficult it is to handle subsequent pregnancies arieving set innd it seems that having an early miscarriage is common sad

Friends were desperate to conceived and then once they had the gruelling reality of having to emotionally cope with 9 months of pregnancy whilst still grieving set in. Hope it all goes well for you and get the support you need.

BabieBeat Wed 30-May-12 02:24:40

First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of your precious loss. It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make. My first Granddaughter was born still at 36.6 weeks due to torsion of the umbilical cord ~ not a true knot or nuchal cord but delivers the same devastation and heartache.

According to Dr. Jason Collins of The Pregnancy Institute in New Roads, LA, stillbirth mothers are 5 - 10 more likely to have a recurrent stillbirth ~ so you will be considered a high risk pregnancy now you are pregnant (if you are not considered high risk ~ find a new healthcare team). My daughter in law was monitored during her second pregnancy from 28 weeks onward by Dr. Collins using daily home fetal heart rate monitoring in conjunction with their own OB. All went very well and Jacks was born on June 14th, 2010!!!

So ~ what do you do when you become pregnant after you have had a precious stillbirth??? Don’t ever hesitate to call your doctor, midwife or health care team with any questions and concerns you may have ~ they are there to educate and inform you ~ that’s their job!!! And, always trust your gut.

Become your expected baby's "guardian". New research advises you start sleeping on your left side!!! Begin by making sure the umbilical cord and placenta are visualized for normal construction and placement at 20 weeks on the anatomy scan and begin a daily journal of baby's moments at this time.Insist on an additional ultrasound around 28 weeks to check the umbilical cord and placenta as I have mentioned above. If there is no problem, do your kick counts. If there is a problem, work with your health care team for a close monitoring solution such as frequent ultrasounds, daily home fetal rate heart home monitoring and Fetal Non Stress Tests, etc. Begin kick counting now @ 28 weeks every evening and remember a change in baby's movements such as speeding up or slowing down, changes in sleep-wake cycles and differences in mobility tendencies could be the sign of a compromised baby. Don't ever hesitate to voice your questions and concerns to your healthcare team, and request additional ultrasounds during this pregnancy!!!

Your baby may experience “hiccups” which will first be noticed as soft, regular, rhythmic movements in the same place. As your pregnancy progresses, they will feel stronger and will eventually feel like hiccups except in your abdomen!!! Your baby’s hiccups should decrease as your pregnancy advances. Past 30 weeks your baby should not have hiccups every day. If your baby has daily hiccups, hiccups lasting longer than 15 minutes, or hiccups occurring more than 3 – 4 times in 24 hours, your baby should be evaluated for umbilical cord issues.

Just like mammograms and colonoscopies are prevention for the masses, getting to know your baby's movements is imperative. Empowering moms to ask simple questions, be proactive and learn how to be their baby's "guardian" of the womb will help to ensure a happy, healthy and hearty delivery day...xo

QuietTiger Thu 31-May-12 17:02:15

Hi smile First, I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you lost your precious daughter.

Like you I lost our DD1 to still birth around the same sort of time as you (14 weeks ago now, on 22nd Feb) at 32 weeks. I'm also 40.

I'm not going to focus on the medical side of things, but more the emotional.

DH and I are scared shitless too. We're fortunate in that we know why the still birth happened - it was completely unpreventable and caused by nothing we did wrong, so we have that at least. We're currently in a waiting period for results of a pregnancy test via the doctor - I'm 2 weeks late with AF, but have had 4 BFN's, but have all the pregnancy symptoms I had before, including the most bizarre ones that I had last time, which was throwing up every time DH drives anywhere with me as passenger and gagging on toothpaste!!

The way we are trying to deal with the idea of a new pregnancy, is that we have definite plans on how to make sure that DD1 is part of our lives and that we have let her go, but she still exists, IYSWIM? For e.g. I got a beautiful picture made of the date of her birth and death in numbers, with her full name underneath it. It's in our bedroom, so not on public display, but it's a reminder that we have a daughter. We've also decided that we do definitely want children, hence trying straight away.

DH and I also have had very candid discussions of exactly how we intend to handle another pregnancy - we discussed and agreed what he would find acceptable and could deal with (he doesn't want me riding my young horse who's unpredictable and flighty, but is happy for me to ride my old school master in the school, for e.g.) and we agreed that we would have a cleaner twice a week so that I wasn't lumping a hoover about the house, even though I work from home and have time to clean. We've also decided on what tests we'll have done, what scans we'll have (e.g. we're in Wales, so if we want an NT scan, we have to go privately) and we've made all the decisions together so we both feel in "control" of the pregnancy. We've got fantastic communication and he's also sympathetic enough to deal with my hormonal meltdowns in the right way!

It's going to be nerve wracking, scary, and we'll probably be completely neurotic and paranoid at every twinge, headache, sleepless night and niggle, in honesty, but my thinking behind it is that if I make a pain of myself with the midwifes and doctors, with scans etc, that's my perogative - I'm entitled to after what we've been through.

Feel free to PM me, if you want - I really do get what you're going through at the moment. smile

Nutmegg Fri 27-Jul-12 04:23:52

My baby Molly was stillborn at 37.2 weeks, that was 18 months ago today. We have been trying every since, with one mc in January. I am just so angry and worn out. Today has been a bad "Molly" day. I just feel like no one understands sometimes. Actually getting pregnant and having a baby almost seems like pretend or it can't happen now, I don't know, it probably sounds weird.

Nutmegg Fri 27-Jul-12 04:29:31

Yes, I just read the hiccups thing and it is true, my baby also had hiccups lasting a long time before she died, I told my Dr later what I had read, about Dr. Collins, I had been researching it becuase I knew there was something strange about those hiccups. Anyway my dr looked at me like I was crazy and said, what are we suppose to do have every women whose baby has hiccups come I and be monitored? What a JERK! He didn't get it and obviously didn't want to. I had also spoke with another mom who had a full term stillbirth and she said her baby had had hiccups all night before she died.

anyadvice01 Tue 31-Jul-12 10:26:31

My little girl died when I was 37 weeks pregnant, just when I thought I was fine, that nothing could happen. There was no warning, I had no risk factors, there was not even a decrease in movement, she just stopped moving and I was told she had died. i was however "lucky" in that I got pregnant about twelve weeks after (you are at your most fertile in the three months after you have given birth apparently), and am now 17 weeks pregnant. I will not lie it is really hard, I feel disloyal to my eldest child, as if I am just trying to replace her, I feel guilty towards this little one I am carrying as if I am not loving it enough, I feel scared and anxious and cannot really believe it will not happen again, especially since there was no reason found for it to have happened the first time. All I am doing is trying to muster every bit of strength I can, and take each day as it comes. I know it will be horrendous if this baby does not make it, but I felt I had to try. I want a family, and this anxiety is the price I am having to pay. I am trying to find ways of calming me, as I realise anxiety and stress makes it difficult to conceive, and is bad for the baby. Fell free to PM me (anyone here).

spuddy01 Mon 26-Aug-13 17:16:32

Hi

I lost my lovely little baby boy Alexander 4 months ago. We were both so happy to be pregnant before he died as we had been trying for a baby for approx 3 years. I am still grieving and although some days are better than others I am frightened that the pain will never go away.

I am also very concerned that I might not be able to get pregnant again even though I am still relatively young, I am only 30 I just can't help feeling that the only way i am ever going to get over the pain is to have another baby.

I would very much like to hear from you if you are in a similar situation or if you have had success after having lost a baby or if you had fertility problems and managed to have a healthy baby. It would be really nice to hear from you.

Thank you xx

spuddy01 Mon 26-Aug-13 17:17:30

Sorry I meant to say that my wee boy was stillborn at 40 weeks.

thank you

Esther2012 Tue 11-Feb-14 21:42:33

Suddy01?
You are the most recent person to write on here. How are things going with conceiving?
My little girls died at 36 weeks in November. I know we are very blessed. We have a 20 month old as well. We also conceived both girls with no wait. I don't say that to be mean just to give back ground.
We have been trying now for two three failed months. (Yes I know if we had fall end pregnant straight away it would of been very soon).
I do however have the concern that there is a problem. I was given so many drugs during my second daughter birth (hormones for birth and anti milk drugs) I worry they have caused damaged. I also had a concern I had a slight infection after birth but didn't say anything as I just wanted to be signed off from the midwife as soon as possible. I seem ok now though?
Does anyone here have any advice? I have been using the ovulation test for the past few month which have been positive but not successful in helping me fall pregnant? Anyone had anything similar to this?

The silly thing is I also dread being pregnant again and by no means feel another child will replace my second daughter (so very far from the truth, mums who have had there little ones die will know). I just know if we would like a bigger family it as to happen and whenever it happen it will be a very very a hard time. I am also sad my little girl will have to wait longer to enjoy a sibling, she's such a sociable loving little girl. These things sound so selfish when I write them down....but I can't stop thinking, all the time I am thinking of what would of been. I should be sitting here shattered with a tiny baby

tsw Fri 14-Feb-14 18:42:02

Hi

Just wanted to give you a bit of emotional support.

Last march I gave birth to my son at 38+4 who had already passed away. I too was given lots of hormones, including the anti milk one. We tried again 3 months later and I was pregnant straight away so none of these drugs had interfered with conception. I had however spent all of the 3 months taking daily aspirin and conception vitamins in readiness.

I'm now 8 months into my second pregnancy almost (4 weeks why of when it went wrong). It has been a hugely straining time for me emotionally with the anxiety and I had returned to work 8 weeks after birth but went off sick 20 weeks into this pregnancy. My baby is not a replacement for my son but sometimes I do call him my sons name in my head as I get confused (due date is day after my sons birthday!).

What I would recommend if you aren't already is to get involved with the groups on the sands forum as unfortunately there are quite a few women ttc post stillbirth on there who have advice and support for one another.

Hth

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