Lost

[BrownieGecko]

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to say...all I know is I feel like someone has just taken all the air out of me and I can't breathe. I really have no idea how to move forward from this one. The other times at least I could say to myself it must of just been bad luck or not having taken the right combination of drugs at the time. I don't think I can say that anymore. The prospect of not having a child of my own is too heartbreaking. The thought of not ever getting to have a "bump", or to hold our baby seems an impossible distance away. I honestly have no idea how anyone gets the strength to keep on trying.

I love my DH more than anything in the world, and all I seem to be doing tonight is pushing him away. I only miscarried yesterday and know it is still raw, but we both feel lost, and struggling to make sense of all of this.

This is our 6th MC without a DC and don't know where to go from here :(

[HuwEdwards]

ah Brownie love, hoping someone with experience and good advice will come along soon. Not been in the place you are now (although had a few rounds of IVF), but please try not to push DH away - you need him more now than ever. xx

[Collie2]

oh brownie I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through, so sorry for your losses. Life can be so cruel sometimes I don't understand. I mc in dec in my first pg but can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now having lost 5 previously. I wish I could say something to take the pain away, but unfortunately you know to well that I can't, but it will get easier. Your DH sounds lovely and like he loves you very much, lean on him and try to talk to him, you need all the support you can get and I am sure he is hurting too.

Having only had 1 mc ( so far but fx it stays that way) so I've never used it, but I've come across lots of lovely ladies who have sadly had recurrent mc who have found the recurrent buns thread on here helpful. Lots of the ladies on there are so kind I am sure they will be about soon to offer support, but it's late so I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again brownie. Give yourself time to grieve, but I hope eventually you find the strength to move on and your dream of a baby comes true soon.

Thinking of you xxx

[SouthGoingZax]

So sorry Brownie.

How long have you been ttc? There is some really great support on these boards (there is a miscarriage topic) when you can face it.

Do you want to talk about your history or just vent? We had 7 years of ttc - fertility issues on both our parts then immune issues on my part. I had an ectopic, lost 3 further pgs, one of twins all before 12 weeks. Every time it felt like the end, like I couldn't go on and that we would never get there. I haven't been quite where you are but have a good idea of how you are feeling and am willing to listen and be a shoulder to cry on if it helps.

[BrownieGecko]

Hi HuwEdawards, thank you for replying, DH and I had a good cry and stayed up till 3am drinking red wine and talking. Feel tired but definitely better for it. You are right, we need each other more than ever right now. I don't know why but neither of us can face talking to family at the moment :(

Collie2 Life can indeed be cruel, we are still trying to understand why us. I know that sounds very self pitying and I guess things happen for a reason but we can't see why yet, but am sure we will make peace with it one day. Thank you for your kind words, any MC is heartbreaking, the day you find out you are pregnant you have hope, new dreams, to suddenly have that taken away from you is cruel and heartwrenching. I am so sorry to hear you suffered a mc in dec. Stay strong, the ladies on mumsnet are incredibly supportive. It is important to know you are not alone.

SouthGoingZax Been ttc for 4 years. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be for you and your DH ttc for 7 years :( To get pregnant after trying for so long and then have it taken from under you is just not fair. I know we have been lucky to get pregnant each time, but like you just wish one would stick. I am sure you, like us wonder if it will ever be you that gets a break. I guess we must have some strength to keep on trying the way we have so far. I am just questioning how many times we should put ourselves through this which I have never done before.

ttc since 2007, 6 pregnancies, 5MC (mostly between 8 and 12 weeks with 2 confirmed HB's) and 1 ectopic at 10.5 weeks which was harrowing and hope I never have to go through again. Lost right fallopian tube 2 years ago so very grateful I have been able to conceive since. Been at St Mary's for 2 years. All results normal. Only thing I take is Levothyroxine for Hypothyroidism and Metformin as am insulin intolerant. Last pregnancy I took Clomid as well to bring ovulation back to normal as have PCO. They did ERPC 2 days ago and will tell us in 2-3 weeks if anything comes back. LR is hoping it comes back chrom abnormality. Not sure that really helps us but we will wait and then see what they suggest I guess.

[SouthGoingZax]

Hi Brownie,

So glad you have come back and that you have been able to speak to Dh. It is so hard. This isn't supposed to be 'reveal by stealth', but we did get lucky in the end, after 7 years and our rubbish history. We have 18 mo twins now. Yes, you have enormous strength. You and Dh both. You have to, to get through this, it is too too painful and there is so much around that reminds you of your losses and your hopes.

We had decided this go (the one where we did strike it lucky) would be our very last - we had private treatment for my immune issues (NK cells etc) and ovulation induction and could only afford one go. After so long, we had begun to make our peace with never having a family of our own (We read 'sweet grapes', which was really hard but definitely helped) and then kaboom! Twins.

You never know what is round the corner. I am sending you all my very very best wishes. Do pm me if you want to. I have a copy of 'is your body baby friendly' which was the book that (we think) changed things round for us if you'd like me to post it to you. Has anyone suggested taking baby aspirin, one a day. That has helped a lot of people with issues like this apparently.

"Courage does not always roar like a lion. Sometimes it is the quiet voice saying "I will try again tomorrow".

Best of luck and huge (even though it isn't allowed!)

[BrownieGecko]

Hi SouthGoingZax, I was hoping you were going to tell me you got lucky in the end :). What an incredibly exhausting journey to get there mind you! I am so happy you have beautiful twins now after so much heartache. Reading your post gave us both hope. Are they girls or boys?

There is so much around you day to day that is a reminder that you have to confide in each other on how you feel or else you go doo-lally (not sure that is how you spell it?!). At the moment we are staying at home and not seeing anyone as we just can't face talking about it. I know peoples immediate reaction is to say "it will happen one day" but it just doesn't help and makes me feel more hopeless. I am sure shutting ourselves off for a wee while is normal. Majority of our friends are either pregnant with 3rd one or trying for 3rd. I know we can't run away from our friends but it is too painful to watch wondering if we will ever get there. How did you both cope with your friends that had children?

The books you mention sound very interesting, I would definitely love to borrow the Is your body baby friendly. I will pm you.

I took aspirin 75 twice daily for pregnancies 4 and 5, but then LR advised not to for this last one. I have been thinking after something a friend told me that although St Mary's have tested my ovarian reserve, they haven't explored health/energy of my eggs. It could be I can get pregnant but the eggs never make it past a certain point. I was thinking about going to a fertility clinic to see if they will do some tests. I just can't see how we can try again without more information. I have to confess I don't know anything about NK cells, what criteria do they explore that?

Sorry for the large post :) I loved your quote too. Taking one day at a time. Yesterday gardened for 6 hours and was so tired for the first time I slept through the night so was great. Can't move today and walking like chicken but all worth it :)