Reasons to be cheerful?

[freelancegirl]

Cheerful is perhaps the wrong word. After starting spotting on Friday, progressing to bleeding and cramping, I spent all Sunday doubled over with full on contractions every 3 minutes and today had what I really already knew confirmed with a scan. Missed miscarriage at 7 weeks into pregnancy, although I am just over 12 weeks and scan was booked in for today. I keep veering between all sorts of emotions and of course am very sad, it was horrible seeing the little still blob on the screen. All those dreams gone. And I still need to expel what's there so bound to have another few days of body-wringing contractions, the pain has been immense.

BUT - at least I now know the outcome and can start to move forward.

I was hoping you might be able to join me in thinking of reasons to be cheerful:

• Wine! Gosh do I need to go out and let off some steam. It's been so stressful hiding the pregnancy, sickness, weight gain etc from my friends it will be great to go out, drink wine and maybe go dancing to just HAVE SOME FUN rather than be at home tired, sober and worried.
  

-Clothes. I intend to treat myself to a few new seasons items. It's been tough not quite fitting into all my own clothes (my boobs and tummy grew quite rapidly) not wanting to tempt fate and buy anything maternity specific until after the 12 week scan - fat lot of good that superstition did me, but hey.

-The weather. It's getting better all the time, spring is upon us it will get warmer and lighter and so will everyone's mood. Can't wait!

-Making new plans: Although I couldn't help but get a bit excited and look forward to it, I was holding out making baby plans until after the scan. It's sad to see those plans go but now I can make definite non-baby plans - travel past August, holidays, nights out, gigs....I just want to do nice things with my DH, with my friends and feel positive about life before maybe trying again some time in the future.

-Being happy and (soon, hopefully) pain free: Am so fed up of being miserable and in abject pain the last few days. I know there is still physical and emotional nastiness to come and I don't underestimate the hormones and emotions that might continue to affect me, but hopefully by doing some of the above I can look forward and the worst will hopefully soon be over.

Of course I have a lot of fears about whether this will happen again and am having quite a few low moments but this post is about reasons to be cheerful! So cheerful I am trying to be... :)

Anyone else? xx

[meliesmummy]

Blue cheese and eggs with runny yolks. And being able to take my dd on the slide at soft play. (although her asking me very loudly if I could take her on it 'now that your bitty is better mummy' was slightly embarrassing!)

[freelancegirl]

LOL! Yes that must have been embarrassing. Am going to eat a brick of blue cheese and brie with loads of wine when I get off this codeine.

[artifarti]

So sorry that this happened to you freelance girl but you sound like such a strong and optimistic person! I hope many good times are ahead for you. I had a molar pregnancy (complicated sort of mc) in January so scarey health-wise and no TTC for me allowed for a few months. I have had some very dark days but like you am trying to find some positives. This includes planning a trip to China to see friends (wouldn't have done if pg/new baby), training for a 10k to get fit and raise money for research (never run before in my life if it didn't involve missing a bus or fleeing a bear), planning a new career (long overdue) and yes, eating huge amounts of goat's cheese and drinking (this evening: white port!) I think I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis...

Enjoy your dancing, holidays, gigs and shopping. Sometimes you may have dark days in the coming hormonal days/weeks - so make sure you look after yourself too. Chocolate helps.

[freelancegirl]

Thanks arti! So sorry to hear what you went through. Especially that you can't TTC again for a while.

It's so surreal all of it. I haven't even thought about what I will do about trying again yet so I don't know what I will do at this stage. I thought it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant and it only took 3 months. But now I worry about it not happening again and also about the miscarriage happening again. Sigh. I am indeed generally quite an optimistic person but I am having moments when I am crying uncontrollable and just feel so bloody sad this has happened. I had only just started to let myself get a bit excited about it and think of the positives. Having thought I was almost 12 weeks I thought I might soon be home and dry.

But - back to the glass half full - I LOVE the things you have planned!!! China, 10k race, career change (I did one of those a few years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done - less money, MUCH more happiness) etc etc. Wonderful stuff, and yes, all things you might not have had the opportunity to do before. How wonderful. You will probably do all these wonderful things and still, somewhere down the line, have a beautiful baby or two to show for it and all the horrible stuff will be in the past.

[artifarti]

It's early days for you, fg. Believe me, I have had many a moment howling "Why me? Not fair! Why meeee?" at the moon and weeping/snapping at poor DP. I hid away from friends for ages as well. I think all these things are equally healthy and valid. Miscarriage is a sad and distressing experience (and a bit lonely too sometimes) and you need to grieve and process it (if that isn't too psychobabble!) I have also Googled my fingers raw trying to find an explanation for everything!

It sounds like there is no reason why you won't get pregnant again and every chance that it will all be fine. But it will be scarey and uncharted territory, I'm sure. (I already have a DS, perfect pregnancy, not a problem; if I get pregnant again I will be a gibbering nervous wreck for 9.5 months!) Take your time, take a deep breath...there's every chance and more that all will be fine.

I thought of something else - spas! I am off to one with my lovely MIL. Book yourself one in the knowledge that you can swig champagne in the hot-tub/sauna/steamroom and be pummelled senseless by a big hunky masseur

[Summerbird73]

waves to freelance and hello there to artifarti so sorry for both of you

i am in the throes of losing my 10 week old bean, i spent last tuesday and wednesday in hospital on a drip, the scan confirmed the bean had gone but there was a big blood clot which i am still losing

anyway - to add to your list

-my day spa is already booked arti i have booked it for the day that would have been my 13 week scan, DH bought me the voucher for my birthday in january but by then i couldnt use it. i can now use it to cheer me up on what would be a sad day

• for me the most important one is being able to spend time running around after my 21mo DS. I wasnt looking forward to trying to explain to him why mummy was too fat tired to swing him around. Sadly i cant do it just yet due to the cramping but i cant wait to spend more quality time with him. i am going to run around like a nutter now!
  

-blue cheese blue cheese blue cheese and a bit of brie! Actually have already had some of that on Saturday night, and some cured meats too

• The thought that we are not living in Japan, probably homeless and guaranteed to have lost at least one member of our family. I cried buckets that weekend thinking of all the seperated toddlers and parents
  

• That we are alive and well. Some ectopic pgs and miscarriages can go tragically wrong. We are in pain but ok

[Ladybee]

spas are indeed a good reason to be cheerful

hello arti I've spotted you on these boards but was a bit wrapped up in my own troubles to want to crash into your issues, besides I don't know anything useful about molar pg. Have just had my 3rd miscarriage in less than year.

FG I think you're taking a good route in your 'recovery', I've been around the block a few times and have been struck by the number of women who say they feel like they have 'nothing to look forward to' after the miscarriage. It's a really common statement so I think ensuring you do have some things to look forward to is really important.

I'm making a major life-change, which is a huge amount of work and will eventually be a Very Good Thing, and I suspect that having this to work on is helping my response to this 3rd MC, I still have bad moments, lots of crying, fragile emotions, etc. but I'm not as bad this time as I was for the 2nd where it got very black indeed.

My contribution for reasons to be cheerful: A great haircut and dye. Sitting in one place long enough, whiffy chemicals, wouldn't have been able to do it previously but I'm planning one soon.

[Summerbird73]

oo ladybee i meant to mention that one - i am going for a pixie crop tomorrow! going to do the dye myself but v excited for the hairdo

[freelancegirl]

I love you people! You are all making me feel so much better. Spa days and hair cuts are a great idea. Thanks LadyBee for the positive thoughts. I can see how people feel they have got nothing to look forward to. But really we all have everything to look forward to. Ok, plans have changed but we can make some of that a good thing - like you said, life-changes, career-changes, hair-cut changes or even just appreciating what we do already have. I feel really quite attached to my DH today. Not that I don't always but - does anyone else know what I mean? I feel a real love for my family and the people I care about. And that is always a good thing. Big positive vibes to all of you xxx

[securegal]

This is a great post - thank you Freelance! I feel exactly the same. Whilst I am so sad that my baby isn't going to be arriving in October, I have decided to look at all the other wonderful things in my life - and there are a lot of them! My DH has been absolutely amazing throughout this whole experience, and although I already knew it, it has really confirmed what a special marriage we have. Sometimes these awful events really help to clarify the good things. I have already started booking holidays (Edinburgh Festival, beach holiday) and it has really made me realise the importance of embracing life, rather than sitting back and waiting for things to happen. Whilst I am still sad some days, I am just seeing this as one of life's bumps. I think it is the only way to get through it.

And a new haircut is definitely on the cards! I already went for a facial and am going to go and buy a couple of new outfits for my return to work. I hope they don't think I've been on some kind of make-over, instead of being off sick .

[uggmum]

I had a miscarriage last year at 8/10 weeks after 3 years of ttc and 4 rounds of Clomid.

After 2 years of summer holidays in the UK as I thought I might be pregnant and unable to travel. I have booked a REALLY expensive holiday to St Tropez in August. Roll on heat, sunshine and lots of wine!

[freelancegirl]

Hello new posters and forward-lookers! I too was due in October securegal :( Seems a bit weird that we won't be doing as planned. But actually it has also brought it into perspective for me as if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would still be confused as to whether I was looking forward to the enormity of becoming a parent. Now I know it is something I do indeed want. Ironic I know.

Loving the holidays booked - especially St Tropex Uggmum. How fabulous St Tropez in summer!

I have had a good day actually, DH and I (both working at home) decided to ditch work, go for a lovely walk across the heath near where we live and have a lovely long lunch WITH a glass of wine (went right to my head and loved it!), coffee and cake in a cafe for dessert and then walked home. It's so sunny and warm it was like being on holiday. And yes, some of our conversation went from the sad to the happy but it was good to be able to do some positive things and enjoy ourselves. Tonight we plan to book some cheap flights somewhere warm for June :)

[freelancegirl]

Reasons to be cheerful update. Passed gestational sac today (won't go into TMI details!), sad but definitely hopeful it's a time to move on. Had 2 glasses of wine, been wandering around the shops, been helping DH not be so sad and hoping that my body moving on is a good sign my brain and emotions will too. Onwards and upwards! xx

[artifarti]

Sorry again that you are going through this freelancegirl but glad that you are still feeling so positive and doing nice things for yourself and your DH. Onwars and upwards indeed! I had a 'moving on' day too as my test results came back as normal which means I just have to be monitored until July, which doesn't feel that far away now. I celebrated with a cocktail and half a bottle of wine! (With a DS that gets up before 6 I have to say I regretted it slightly this morning!)

LadyBee - I have seen you on other threads too and am so sorry you are going through this again. I hope things get better for you soon. x

[freelancegirl]

That is good news arti - July doesn't seem that long to wait at all. And if you get pregnant over the summer it's a lovely spring-ish time to have a baby in 2012. I have everything crossed for you. I too had at least half a bottle last night. Felt good!

[artifarti]

Hello freelancegirl - just popping back to say hello and hope you are doing okay. x

[freelancegirl]

Hey arti! Ahhh, thanks for that. Not doing so bad thanks, doing lots of lovely things with friends and family, the clocks have changed, it's hopefully getting warmer...

On the body front, still bleeding and getting some odd twinges in either side. Going back to docs when home again next week to see if I can get a scan and check if it's all gone.

Emotionally - not too bad at all. A bit of an obsession with posting and reading on MN and reading about why this might have happened and whether it might happen again but generally being upbeat and positive.

Loving drinking wine again! Got a few dates with friends and DH lined up to do just that :)

How are things with you? xx

[artifarti]

Glad you are still okay. The obsession with reading is pretty normal, I think! I had just stopped Googling miscarriages when the molar pregnancy diagnosis gave me a whole new avenue! After a while though you sort of Google yourself out and it peters out. I saw on another thread that you think this might have happened before - will you speak to your doc about that, do you think?

I am good too, thanks. Still running which is a whole bizarre new thing for me. Asking my boss for leave this week to see if we can go to China in May and have just signed up for a Career Change workshop tomorrow. Think I've gone a bit loopy! So you can recommend career changes then? I guess from your name you went freelance?

Enjoy the wine (and throw in a cocktail or two, trust me...)

[freelancegirl]

Yeah, I loved my career change! Hated my job before, even though on paper it was an ideal job for some people. Wanted to do something more creative. Went freelance :) It's not easy, am earning half as much as I used to, but it's lovely to have the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do. And although I could do with more work, the work I do get is high profile, good stuff. Go for it! People used to say I was brave in changing, but to me the prospect of staying in a job I didn't love just as it paid the bills was a lot scarier!

China China China! Go! It sounds wonderful, and so fab to look forward to.

I have done a bit of googling about molar pg on your behalf this week too... Yes definitely a whole new line of research! Sounds like it is looking good for you though. I think I am going down the testing avenue yes. Have got a referral for more tests but might ttc again before that comes through. Have kicked off a few of my own tests, deduced from MN and Dr Google and see how it goes. Scary.

Lots of lovely drinking and eating situations planned with friends in the next few weeks though :)

Lets reconvene after scans etc if not before xx