Loss of triplets at 16+5 weeks. Five years ago today.

[Mouseface]

Hello.

I'm not sure if this should be in here or in bereavement as they weren't actually born IWSYIM?

Sorry.

We lost triplets five years ago today. I was 16 weeks and 5 days. We went for a scan and were so excited! Especially as they were conceived naturally. But we got there only to be told that none of them had a heartbeat, they had all died.

It is still so hard to deal with. I felt pregnant for so long afterwards and put a lot of weight on very quickly so I still looked pregnant weeks later.

That was really tough as people would ask when I was due, congratulate me and touch my tummy.

Five years on, we have a beautiful DS who is 17 months old. (I also have an 11 year old DD from a previous relationship)

He has SN and LD. Sometimes I wonder if the triplets had 'complications' too which is why I didn't carry them to term?

Is that a stupid way to deal with losing them? Am I trying to justify the loss by using DS's SN?

Does any of that make sense?

We were never told what could have been the cause and I guess I'd like to just put what happened in a little box and move on in a way. I feel that I can't.

I appreciate how lucky we are to have DD and DS, really I do.

I'm just a bit wobbly today.

[twinmam]

I couldn't let this pass by without posting, Mouseface.

I am so,so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how devastated you must have been and still must be after losing three children.

It is a bereavement and you should feel free to post wherever you want. I am sure that you will get support and care from people on this and on the bereavement thread who sadly have experience of losing DCs.

Would you like to talk about them? Were they boys or girls? Did you give them names?

You are lucky to have your DD and DS of course but that takes nothing away from the awful loss you've suffered and you have every right to feel 'wobbly' today and indeed on any other day.

[Mouseface]

Hello twinmam

They were all boys. We weren't going to name them until after they were born but when they died we did.

Charlie, George and Harry.

DS's middle name is George, also after my great grandfather.

Thank you for replying to me.

I will post in bereavement too. I just had to get this out today.

DH has been wonderful. Each year that passes, he remembers as the day gets closer and just holds me for a while.

We planted a tree in the garden too.

I guess any parent would be the same in terms of wanting a reason.

[twinmam]

Oh Mouseface

Beautiful names for three lovely little boys.

Did you get to hold them? Do you want to talk about that (so sorry if not)

Is there a grave you can visit or some place quiet that you can sit and think about them, maybe by 'their' tree? You must ache for them.

I'm so glad your DH is wonderful. He sounds lovely. I hope you can support each other.

Yes, it must make it all the harder not to have a reason. Although, of course, no reason could ever explain something so dreadful could it. But can understand you wanting to know.

Could you approach the hospital and ask for more information about what happened? I am sure someone in bereavement could help you in how to go about that.

[twinmam]

Just read back through your OP and wanted to add:

I don't think there is such a thing as a 'stupid' way of dealing with something so awful. I think you get through it, however you can.

I also think it's totally understandable to seek an answer or an explanation.

You're not 'using' your DS's SN, just trying desperately to understand why something so terrible happened to your little boys. I don't think you should feel guilty for that.

xx

[Aitch]

excellent names, mouseface, such a shame you didn't get the chance to get to know them better. i hope today passes sweetly and that the world is kind to you.

[Mouseface]

Thank you Aitch

twinmam - I had to have them 'removed' under general anesthetic.

I was in for 24 hours. They said that some people have a funeral and could help to arrange that if we wanted it.

To be honest, I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to get out of there and not think about it at all.

Which is why we have our tree. I have been out and said 'hello' to them this morning. I often do. I will say goodnight to them this evening too and maybe read them a story.

Does that sound ridiculous? Reading it back makes me feel that I'm a bit bonkers to read to a tree!

We asked at the time if they could tell what had happened and the nurse said that they were too young to find out. If they had been 20 weeks +, it be easier to do an autopsy.

I think that is what is bothering me. The fact that we asked and they couldn't tell us.

[Mouseface]

Is autopsy the right word? Do you know what I mean? Investigate further?

[twinmam]

Yes I think it is an autopsy. I'm sorry they couldn't do the investigations that might have given you some answers.

It sounds as if you feel a bit dismissed? That the hospital brushed it under the carpet a bit? The same way in which you don't feel entitled to call this a bereavement because the babies weren't born? Please realise that you are totally entitled to feel immense grief and loss: what you went through is dreadful and no one would begrudge you that.

Have you spoken to a grief counsellor? Might that help you work through some of these issues, in particular the (totally understandable) difficulty you're having in accepting that you won't ever know why your boys died?

You go and talk to their tree and read them a story every single day if you want, love. Not remotely bonkers. Whatever makes you feel close to your little boys is fine! They are still your babies even if they are not physically here.

[twinmam]

I had to have them 'removed' under general anesthetic.

so, so sorry

[Mouseface]

I did have grief counselling but found it very difficult to talk. I just shut down.

I'm not good at talking face to face. I never have been.

I think the fact that DS has SN too has made me really appreciate him (not that I wouldn't if he didn't) because he's had to really fight for his little life in PICU three times.

Each time I thought, 'oh no, not him too!'

Thank God he is still here. And DD.

[twinmam]

Bloody hell, Mouseface; you've had an unbelievably difficult time of it, haven't you. How unfair.

I am massively impressed by your resilience and your positive attitude, e.g. in relation to DS being in PICU. I mean, not thinking, 'poor me' but 'lucky me, he is still with us'.

Have 'only' had PICU experience once with DD2 and it nearly finished me off. Even though I feel lucky to have her still with us it took some coping with and processing the thought that she nearly died and we couldn't do anything for her. Hat off to you, lady: am going to take a leaf out of your book.

Can imagine the face to face thing being hard. I'm sorry it didn't help and I hope that you get some help from talking to others who can imagine what you have been through and hold your hand virtually.

No wonder you just shut down; some things are just too, too difficult to talk about.

I'm not sure why anonymous words on a screen seem easier but I agree with you that they are.

[expatinscotland]

I'm so sorry for you loss, Mouseface.

[Mouseface]

Thank you so much twinmam

PICU is the most frightening place I have ever been.

All that illness and death. It sits in the core of you for a long time afterwards.

But, we both have children who have survived the horrors and are here with us today.

That is enough for me. To know that DS fought and won his battles.

I guess over time, the pain of losing the triplets will become more managable. It's funny how you think you are ok and then BAM. That old devil grief takes a hold.

I really appreciate you talking to me. I didn't know what to expect when I posted here. I've not posted about the anniversaries before.

You have really helped be to feel better about letting it out.

[Mouseface]

Thank you expat

[twinmam]

Aw, Mouseface: am happy to help.

Yes PICU is haunting, the stuff that nightmares are made of. It also gave me a lot of faith in the medical profession because I believe the care we received was outstanding. I hope that was the case with your DS too.

I get the impression that the hospital where you found out George, Harry and Charlie had died was less supportive than perhaps it could have been?

Have you ever had a look at TAMBA (the twin and multiple births association)? They have a bereavement section and also a phoneline for you to ring and chat to someone if you want.

There's a website anyway if you ever wanted to have a look.

Perhaps they could help with the particular circumstances of losing three babies at once and with ways of coping, maybe with the need for answers.

They may even be able to tell you some of the problems that are more common in multiple pregnancies, ie some of the possibilities. I don't know if that would help.

I do hope you find your own way of managing with the grief. It's not surprising it hits you especially on anniversaries like today.

[Mouseface]

I'll have a look at the website, thank you xx

[KTRace]

I am so sorry for your loss too xxx

[twinmam]

Just wondering how you are doing Mouseface? xx