How did your miscarriage affect your relationship?

[reallygrumpy]

I always thought that DH and I had had some rocky patches but basically had a strong relationship but since my mmc and erpc 3 weeks ago we've been arguing constantly. I really need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, especially about continuing ttc (we have a 2yr old dd) but he won't engage and says it's selfish not to have another child and for dd to be an only. My 2nd pregnancy (that ended in mmc) was the result of 18 months of trying and 3 cycles of clomid and I don't know if I want to carry on trying, especially as I'm the one bearing much of the physical and emotional burden. He's also been completely shit about giving me time and space to recover and if I do have any time to myself (I went to the gym this am) then he brings it up for days as if I'm supposed to be really grateful.

Sorry this is such as long post, I just wondered how other people's relationships had been affected and I guess get some ideas of what I could do to improve things. Thanks!

[LadyBee]

I think men and women can't help but experience miscarriage differently, for them with none of the physical aspects of the early pregnancy, or the side effects of treatments, and the actual mess and pain of a miscarriage whether it's natural/medical/surgical, I think it becomes more of a conceptual thing. The goal was to have baby, that's their dream as well as yours, and this is a sad frustration of that dream. I wonder if that may be why he's finding it hard to acknowledge your need to take some time out to think about your next steps? Maybe he can't consider failing in that goal yet. Do you think that there's the possibility that after some time you might feel strong enough to try again? If so, perhaps telling him that would reassure him that you aren't closing the door completely on that dream, yet, but that you need time to regain strength in order to give it a better chance. So difficult to have these conversations but it does come down to being open with each other.

I

[LadyBee]

Sorry, am on phone.

I'm currently experiencing my 2nd mc in 4 months (3rd total) and although I know my dh is doing all he can, taking on all the care of DS, all the house stuff, giving me space but checking in, getting tea, chocolate - I still get very resentful that he doesn't have to go through the experience I am. Just as he will never really know what it was like for me in the early days after DS's birth. I know this resentment and anger will fade but I'm going to tell him about it quite soon, when I'm calm, otherwise 1) he won't know 2) it'll spill out in another argument and he'll just dismiss it as unrelated emotions.

[louloulala]

So sorry that you are going through another mc LadyBee

reallygrumpy I also had an ERPC just over 3 weeks ago (3rd mc, no dc). Afriad no advice to give, as like you, dh and I have been arguing since the ERPC. We have always fundametanlly had a very strong relationship. However, this 3rd mc is definitely hitting our relationship hard.

I am feeling a lot of the anger and resentment that LadyBee mentions and yes, although it is a loss for my dh too, this time round, I cant help being resentful that I have to go through the physical, hormonal and of course emotional consequences of a mc. As much as I try to explain to him how I feel, he thinks Im trying to diminish what he is going through.

It's so hard, we've always been a team and I hate that I'm feeling so bitter and resentful.

[justonemorethen]

Had a ruputured ectopic pregnancy last Weds. DP took me to hospital and luckily got there just in time.
I have had amazing support from my parents and my friends. Apart from having my DS for Thurs and Friday DP has been rubbish.
Went back to his Sat night (we don't live together) so he could "look after me". Had to constantly ask him for water, painkillers,cold towels (bit feverish). He did nothing on his own iniative.He has offered to do shopping and walk dog etc ("just ask")but to be honest my friends have just come and done it without me having to ask.
Perhaps I'm being hormonal but if he asks one more time "are you feeling better?" I will rupture his bits too.
Everyone says he must be feeling bad too but I don't get that from him at all.Like LLLL I hate feeling so bitter.