Need to start somewhere ..............and housing advice?

[rattie2307]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet and have been reading all the great advice and comments (kept me smiling last night) I need to tell someone what is happening in my life and if possible getting some housing advice, I shall try to keep it short!

I have been with DP (not married) for 9yrs, we are both 29. We have 2 children DS 22mo and DD 7mo.

When my DS was 5mo I had an accident at home and spent a lot of time in hospital. About a month later I found out DP was having an affair. I swore it was over and started to make plans to move 'home' nr. Kingston, Surrey, I am currently nr. Northampton. But I found that I could not get any help with housing as I have a mortgage (joint) and if I left the family home I would be making myself intentionally homeless. I cannot afford to rent privately and the only other option was to move in with my parents but they have a small flat and it would be very cramped. I started to think that maybe it would be best to stay with DP for the sake of DS but having been brought up in a house myself with parents that are only together for the children I knew this was not ideal. Then about a month later I found out I was expecting DD and decided to try and make a go of things. In Sept when I was about 5months pregnant I found he was having another affair. I couldn't believe he was doing it again and when I was pregnant! But to really make things worse I found out that he had also been with this girl when I was pregnant with DS! In total he had cheated a total of 5 times! That was when I decided enough was enough.

The thing is we are still living in the same house, we have separate rooms and separate lives. He goes to work comes home spends time with the kids and when DS has gone to bed he goes out, when he can afford to! I have no friends or family here and rarely go out, sometimes just getting up in the morning and getting dressed is task enough.

I am looking forward to making myself a new life and finding ME again even if it is as a single parent. Things will be so much better especially for the kids as I know they pick up on moods. Sometimes it is bearable and we speak, sometimes I cannot bear to look at him; my love for him is now hate!

I am currently trying to get the house ready to go on the market, as DP has finally agreed to sell it, I hardly get time to do things as DD is very clingy and the house needs quite a bit done to be sellable. Once the mortgage has been paid and all outstanding debts paid there will probably not be any money left and once again I will have to look at moving in with my parents! I just don?t seem to be able to get any advice on what I do and I have tried several times to contact CAB to see if they can help but they are always busy and their waiting times for drop in sessions are unbelievable.

Sorry for the long essay! But I just need to start somewhere. Hope someone has some advice. Thanks.

[chloeb2002]

Hello, sorry no wonderfull advice but the CAB are great! I know the cues are long but they will really help to get things sorted. Are you filling for divorce? I think that would make things more straight forward and put things on a formal footing? I assume therefore that you are also getting 50% of the sale of the house? will this give you funds to deposit on another? could you stay with your parents untill the house is sold? it may give you some space to fins somewhere else and some support whilst you re build your life? just a few thoughts!

[bonym]

I think youu can get housing benefit. My friend has recently left her husband, and the family home, and she is getting housing benefit on a rented property. I believe that it is only for a fixed amount of time though, on the understanding that the marital home will be sold. As chloeb says - speak to Citizens Advice as they gave my friend good advice. Maybe if you go as soon as they open, you might not have to queue for so long.

Good luck.

[FionaJT]

Hi, regarding the CAB, I used their email service recently and they got back to me really quickly, so if you have specific questions you could try that to start with?

[Tortington]

i think you need to ohone the housing department in kingston to ask how they work things. see how you get on the housing list - becuase as soon as your home goes on the market due to marital break up you are eligable for social housing
regarding housing benefit - you will be entitled to housing benefit - although any profit from the sale of the house will ofcourse have to be spent paying the rent first beofre you would be eligable to claim

SHELTER are a great organisation - they want to prevent homelessness and they have a wonderful legal side that know the ins and outs of evrything.

you need to go to cab to get your financial dealings sorted out. joint bills, fees from sale of house, support money from your partner for the children. - the cab will let you know whaty documents would come in handyu - perhaps whilst you can still get your hands on them ie. a copy of his wage slips - so he doesn't try and get out of paying what he should etc.

you also need to do some research online to see what social security benefits you are entitled to.

[rattie2307]

Many thanks for all the advice. Rung around some solicitors this afternoon but none offer legal aid! Apprentley it is very rare to find any that still offer this. I have the Shelter tel no. planning to sit on phone to get through tomorrow, have tried several times today but no joy. Will go to CAB on Monday as I will be in Kingston and plan to be on their doorstep before doors open! as this seems to be where everyone recommends I go.

Once the house has been sold and all the outstanding bills paid, we have a joint mortgage, a loan, credit card, outstanding council tax plus all the usual. Not to mention all the bills he probably has outstanding that I don't know about! I may have a few hundred left to my name?!

DP is useless with money and although he says he will pay his way for the kids I just don't trust him. But I think MIL will make sure he pays his way as DS and DD are their only grandchildren and MIL is as hard as nails when it comes to this type of thing (she has trained legally and probably knows more than I do or ever will). MIL has recently become very frosty towards me and even lent DP £1000 pounds last month to pay of some debts and to pay for a stag weekend and the subsequent wedding. They agreed not to tell me about it! But I found out as I always do. He didn't even pay towards the cost of some nappies one day when I went shopping. He had just been out and bought a MP3 player and some jewellery then flew off to the wedding 2 days later!

But anyway I've gone on again, time to go to bed.

[Libb]

Rattie, I am going through a similar thing. Am currently still living with my ex and our 14 month old son. I have no say in this property and am trying to get back to Cambridge where my job is. I don't have a penny to my name and am not sure if I can even afford to do it but I am still fishing around.

I have an appointment on Monday with a solicitor and am getting half an hour for £30 - try asking for a fixed fee appointment and see what they suggest.

Please keep posting and if you want to CAT me for an ear bending then feel free!

[rattie2307]

Libb - I have spoken to shelter - they are brilliant and I can say that they are deffinately worth a call (try a local branch if poss. as it takes a while to get through on national No. but got straight through on local). They listened to all my details advised me of the possibles etc and were very friendly and sounded like they had the time to talk, not in a rush to get on, if you know what I mean!

I also have a solicitor appointment on Monday nr. Kingston. Will find out if I can get legal aid help then, otherwise I also won't be able to afford it either. Am going to try CAB as well, as Kingston Council won't let me make an appointment to speak to someone in their housing dept. - Shelter person said they are 'fobbing me off'!

Going down to Kingston tomorrow (Fri) will be back Wed. Hope it goes well for you on Mon.

[rattie2307]

Libb - just had a thought, has your ex told his friends about your split? Mine hasn't and pretends like everything is OK and when we get invited out I either tell him to go by himself or if its a BBQ or something, tend to go just to get out with the kids but I find it very 'difficult'. I'm sure some of them must know or have realised something is up but nothing gets said and i'm really getting fed up with smiling and saying 'yes isn't life lovely' etc.... Although I can't wait for the day I pack up and go and can tell them all about it!

[Libb]

Everyone knows at this end - his friends are all telling him that he is right to follow his heart. it is terrible for him . He is also dating his next idiot and we all know each other (we worked together and I thought she was a friend), I have told him that he has handled the whole thing badly and without decency. However, they are welcome to each other because she is a scrubber and not that bright - right up his street! I have seen them screeching at each other in the street after a few too many shandies several times).

I am just concentrating my energy toward finding my own place and bringing up my son so he is not too messed up by this situation. Again, if you want to CAT me then feel free xxx