Access visits.

[sparklefrog]

For those of you who's XP's pick up and drop off yr DC on access days, What do you provide your child with for the day?

Do you send your DC off with enough money to cover any trips, lunch, dinner, pushchairs if DC still using them, nappies, wipes, bottles, car seat?

Does it make a difference what age your DC is?

I have a 10m DD, but interested in what MN's think RP should provide on access days, if anything?

[CarGirl]

If mine were that young and it was only a once per week visit I would provide a pushchair & infant car seat, bottles of formula, nappies (but I used washables) & wipes. I would expect them to provide everything else.

Once in a stage 2 car seat I wouldn't provide that and once old enough for a basic recline buggy I wouldn'nt provide that anymore either.

[CarGirl]

If it were more regular than once per week I'd only provide the stage 0 car seat tbh

[sparklefrog]

My XP wants me to provide everything, including stroller, car seat (stage 0), disposable nappies, wipes, dummies, change of clothes, bottles of formula, jars of food, bibs, a few toys, bouncy chair. I have provided all of these things in the past, but now XP has stolen from DD and me, hasn't seen her 4 a week now (court order says 3x a week) and he's saying he will have her overnight too when he has sorted himself a place (yawn!!), and tells me I can't do anything about him having her O/N.
He has also threatened to dismantle her cotbed if I don't provide him with these things and generally been shitty. I have given him money in the past, only to find he steals more .
He never seems to take responsibility, and tbh, I am sick of making it ultra easy for him. TWUNT!!!

[CarGirl]

we is he coming into your home?

[sparklefrog]

Also, XP has only provided a stage 1 car seat (at his mother's now), a cot bed (no mattress), 6 bottles of concentrated juice, a pack of nappies and £38 since her birth, 10 months ago.
I have bought everything else myself, or with my families help, and I am loathe to lend him these things, since he has no respect for DD or my belongings. In fact, he has pawned many of my belongings, and stolen from DD too.

I know my feelings shouldn't cloud my judgement, but if he ruins these things, I am on benefit and cannot afford to replace them, and XP will not contribute towards the cost of everything.

I know he wants to make me out to be a bitch to his family, and this will give him the ammunition he needs, but I am sick of doing it all for him, and replacing stuff or picking up the pieces after.

Wish he would just disappear off the face of the earth. If only the earth was flat....he could walk right off the edge.

[sparklefrog]

When or why?

He is coming tomorrow morning apparently at 10am. (Thats per the court order)

He may well push his way into my house, to get the things he wants, since he has done this before.

He stole the stuff when he came here for contact, which is why I wont have him in my house anymore. Last incident of stealing was only a week ago.

I have been stupid because I have given him too many chances.

[sparklefrog]

Sorry, should have said XP will not contribute towards the cost of anything.

[CarGirl]

I meant why are you letting him into your home? Wait outside for him, don't let him in.

I think I would seek some legal advice if you can get some free.

As he doesn't pay any maintenance at all I wouldn't provide anything accept a car seat.

[Ivykaty44]

He is going to dismantle the cot bed if you don't do as he says

Tell your ex dt that toddlers are not allowed to throw their dolly out of a dismatled cot bed.

Fgs please stop letting him in your space - keep him at the door or even at the end of the path.

Give him the message loud and clear he is to stop messing about.

Provide what you think.

[lostdad]

I always take the line that as I am an equal parent to my ds no matter what my ex says or does I need nothing from her. I don't want that to come across as stroppy but I'm a parent.

My ex sends him with a couple of his soft toys but that's about it - and to be honest he has ones at his bedroom at my house that he prefers so even they don't get used.

If someone wants to be regarded as a parent to their dc it is a good way for them to get started.

For those here who have exs (male and female!) who seem a bit lost or clueless, I would suggest they recommend Families Need Fathers (a third of the members are women and I've met more than a few who are mothers who have lost their children to controlling RP fathers).

This topic is exactly one of the topics FNF is concerned with.

[sparklefrog]

Thanks for all your advice. It is invaluable!!

My XP has pushed his way into my house on a number of occasions, and we have already been to court, after he fled my house with my DD, then 6 months old, and refused to return her unless I took him back too. I refused.

Since then, court have granted me residency and XP contact 3 days a week, which he often can't do, for a multitude of reasons, usually because he can't afford to get to mine to pick up my DD.

[GypsyMoth]

You need to see your solicitor and get a letter sent. This is a ridiculous situation to be in. He needs putting straight on this now, or things will just escalate.

[CarGirl]

Can he really not afford to come or is that just an excuse?

He sounds a bit unhinged so def join FNF for lots of free & experienced help and see if you can get some more help from a solicitor.

[sparklefrog]

CG, I think he is using it as an excuse, not to come and see her, because at one point, it was an hr walk away for him, and even when i agreed to drop her off and collect her via the bus, he said 'forget it, too much grief'

[Mumofagun]

Obviously you are under the courts, Firstly assuming that you don't want DD not to see XP for a reason which will be accepted by the courts then it has to be what is fair and reasonable for DD. On that basis, him not turning up for the alloted 3 times a week is not on. It may not affect DD now but it will in the future. Having read your thread and DD being only 10 months old, and you not having a car, I would:

1. Write to him, or get your solicitor to write to him and tell him that the handover will no longer be at your home but at that of your mother's friends, sister,whoever's, bus stop, train station. That way he cannot barge into your home. He is using the opportunity to bully, SO don't deny the contact but take it away from your house.
   
2. Tell him he is expected to turn up for all 3 contact sessions at the alloted time.
   
3. Keep a diary of the dates and times he does not turn up, just for a period of , say, two months if you are under a court order.
   3)If he fails to keep to what you propose in writing, ie pickups wherever at the court appointed time, you will take it back to court to have it reviewed.
   
4. I would do DD a favour here and make sure she had everything she needed to make her as comfortable as possible, ie, seat for safety, dummy for comfort, change of clothes, nappies, favourite toys etc. Then he has no excuse and you are doing everything for your DD as much as it sticks in your throat. Keep the upper moral highground here I say. Don't compromise her safety and comfort because of a dickhead. It's not her fault. You'll reap the rewards in the end. Just carry on being a good mum.