How difficult is it being a single parent?

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

I know it's difficult but in what way? What are the main issues and how do you manage to overcome them?
I'm asking because I have thought about leaving my DP for a while now. I havent bothered to name change as I dont think anyone knows me in real life and I dont think I'm a regognised poster so it shouldnt be a problem.
The thing I'm not sure about is how unhappy I have to be to justify leaving my DP and seperating my DC from their dad? What if I change my mind/cant cope alone etc.....it's not a decision I can go back on.
DP isnt abusive....we just dont really get on. I feel as though my life is slipping away..I feel like an old woman and I'm only 32. I have no life really, no fun, no independence, no affection. I could go on and on.
I'm on antidepressants at the moment for PND. How do I know that it's not just the depression talking?
I suppose I'm wondering whether I would be better off on my own, happier.

[missingtheaction]

That's the real question: 'wondering whether i would be better off on my own, happier'.

There is no way of knowing, but I found the book 'too good to go too bad to stay' (or something like that) very helpful in answering that question.

How difficult it is depends on how old the kids are I think - mine were teenagers and it was hard but emotionally hard rather than practically hard. I would imagine younger kids would have different problems.

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

My DC's are 1 and 3. Babies really.

[littlelamb]

Honestly? In comparison with my friends who are in unhappy relationships I would say I have it 100 times better. I don't have to deal with another perosn who makes me unhappy. One friend in particular is married with children but gets no support from her dh who works 6+ days a week and is on call all the time. That isn't what I would want out of a marriage and tbh I know it's not how she pictured things being.
I am happy to be single. The difficulties come with emergency childcare- I am on maternity leave now but when I was working full time if dd was ever ill I had no family nearby to help out and as I result we never had a proper holiday as my holiday allowance was used up on a day by day basis for emergncies.
Being stuck at home when dc are in bed, not even able to nip out for a pint of milk.
Being ill and there being noone to help.
Just plain loneliness.
One of the things I do 'like' about being a single parent is that I Know I have to do everything myself so I am not left frustratd by havin someone around who doesn't meet my expectations. SOunds silly, but so many people I know have real issues with partners not pulling their weight. It's not an issue here, I have to do everything so I just get on with it.
I would say though that PND can alter your thoughts drastically and I would try and address that before you go making any major decisions. All the things you say you feel could point to PND. How old are your dc?

[Meglet]

I kicked my ex P out on New years day, he was agressivive, nasty and depressed and not helping me. We have a 2yoDS and a 6monthDD. TBH it is jolly hard work, but as I have loads of help from my family (I see them most days) I prefer it to having ex P around being an asshole making me miserable. Agree with littlelamb that it all comes down to you, and I just do it, I can't let myself down. I have more of a 'spark' now .

Have you thought about Relate? It might give your DH a kick up the backside. We tried it but TBH ex P has issues he needs to sort out on his own, and hasn't, so we split.

[LastOrders]

A little single Mum senario for you -

This week I've worked 30 hours, mainly evenings. I've had to find childcare for those evenings and have twice had to lift DS to get him home at 10pm and into his own bed.

This evening I collected him from my friends hhouse, and after he'd hugged me saying he missed me he then ran off and hid, refused to get his shoes on and shouted he wished I was around more.

After half an hour of upset tantrums I got him in the car, got home, made dinner, hung washing out, I'm just in middle of cleaning bathrooms, then its sort out everything ready for work and school tomorrow.

Just before DS went to bed we agreed to either 10mins of tv or a story. He chose story but had a massive hissy because he couldn't have story.

This resulted in me shouting very loudly, bursting into tears at the exhaustion and guilt of having to work so much (my hours are dropping to 6 a week, need all the money/hours I can get at the moment) and DS going to bed crying as I had tp walk away, scared at what I may say if I didn't remove myself from the situ.

Its very lonely, theres no back up when situations arise (I have a BF but he doesn't live here and I only see him at weekends) money is extremely tight, its depressing sometimes.

But its a decision I made when PG with DS, and I have to handle everything thats thrown at me.

Its really not pink and fluffy, and I only have 1 DC.

[FeelingOld]

Yes its hard bing a single parent but then again its hard being in a relationship that isnt working.

I agree with littlelamb, dont make any drastic decisions until you get a bit more sorted with your PND.

As littlelamb says the difficulties are having no support when you or kids are ill, cant just nip to shop without taking kids with you cos no one to leave them home with, have to sit in at night once kids are in bed.

I can deal with most of the practical stuff and i can work to provide for my kids but it can get very lonely but then i do know of some married women who are lonely cos their husbands are always working or out.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

[LastOrders]

I have very little family help which is where I find it becomes hardwork

But like littlelamb said, I couldn't see myself settling down and having someone join our little team

I'm exhausted but happy the way things are for me and DS

I think you know whether you can stay in the relationship, but I made the choice to leave EXP when 3 months PG and can honestly say I wouldn't change it for the world now

Plus I get soul custody of all praise regarding how bloody fab DS is - I done that!!!

[AitchTwoOh]

i'm not getting to see the thread here, is everyone else?

[LastOrders]

Its down the side of my screen, under the add message box

[LastOrders]

But if you can't see the thread you wouldn't of seen my last post telling you where it is!

[AitchTwoOh]

thanks, lasty, i found it. very best of luck to the OP, you deserve to be happy if you can be.

[ridingjoker]

it's very very hard being sp.

my children are same age as yours op.

but my children were in a terrible enviroment and the change in them is enough to make me never go back...

really depends on situation. i would personally say that you need to overcome PND before you can decide. after seeing a friend who was suffering this making a complete 180 when she overcame the PND and realised her relationship was pretty great when she wasn't ill.

[singledadofthree]

does your dp know how you feel? i mean really understand? its one thing to be down and in a bit of a rut with the same old same old. its a completely different thing to feel so far from where you wanted to be.

what if he was talking to one of his mates? would he just say youre a bit moody, a bit of a nag? i dont mean to sound flippant - but maybe he has no idea how let down you feel. you should be like best mates as well partners.

unless he's totally gone off you and just isnt interested anymore - which i doubt - he's maybe reached the point of thinking - you have the kids to look after and i go to work - i'm doing my bit.

that does sound crap i know, but i bet he has no idea how you really feel. does he know about you being on antis? my ex didnt tell me til long after she'd gone.

oh, and the original question - is harder than most let on, raising kids is easy. lonliness does beat a bad relationship, but at times only just.

so talk to him.

[ridingjoker]

not everyone is lonely being single.

[LastOrders]

I'm less lonely in the evenings since buying a computer and discovering MN and facebook!!

I think singledad has a point - talk to your DP

Maybe what you need is time away from mummy duties, like an interest or a job you enjoy?

[solidgoldbrass]

Actaully, it's great in many ways. You don't have someone around whining/bullying/expecting to be serviced. SOme moderately tosspot partners become much better co-parents once they are no longer living in your house. Some people are great co-parents but crap partners.
I don't know what the problem is with your partner - if he is violent or constantly undermining you, or utterly, utterly useless with both housework and childcare (ie thinks it's all your job and his role is to earn an income and spend all his non-work time doing things for his own benefit and no one else's) then you will feel a lot better without him. Same goes if monogamy is important to you but he isn't bothered and is constantly having affairs.

[Spero]

It can be very difficult, but I think the difficulties are easier to cope with than the difficulties of being in a bad relationship. There is something more honest about them. I get fed up sometimes sorting everything out myself, no one to make me a cup of coffee or ask about my day etc... but this is preferable to crying on the sofa alone realising that you are in a relationship where you are not loved and not even liked very much.

I agree with the others who say you need to be clear about where the relationship is going and whether or not this is coloured by your depression. I'd definitely recommend counselling before deciding to split because what you definitely don't want are any regrets post split that you made a hasty and wrong decision.

Because I find what gets me thru the bad bits is knowing that ultimately it was the right thing to do

[sallyh2000]

You sound very much like me! My kids are four and nearly two. I did it and i know i made the right decision. It's a tough one, that only you can solve. Good luck x

[Pawslikepaddington]

After having various excursions with dd's friends and their dad's I REALLY prefer being single! I couldn't cope with the constant snidey/deroggotory/patronising (I know that is spelt incorrectly!) remarks all the time and the undermining and complete lack of help with the dc's.

Yes, it is hard in an organisational sense, in that you cannot run out for milk etc, and if your dc's are too tired to go out to the supermarket you have to write off the tub of ice cream you fancy/milk, bread and cheese for tomorrow and make do with something else.

It is a lot easier emotionally as you are not fighting a battle on two fronts and being worn down by a child and a husband. But I have a low opinion of married men as I think they are free-riding, so am not in a position to comment really. However it is harder in that you have no one to sound off against (although maybe you have friends/family you can ring?). I am a LOT more tired than my friends, but I also try to do a lot more with dd, so again not in the best position to comment.

[onadietcokebreak]

Everything littlelamb said I could have wrote word for word.

Before you make any decisions you need to get yourself strong again and know that this isnt a reaction to PND.

You need to start regaining independance. Start going out, reclaiming some time to yourself, building a support network and finding things that make you happy. (I have just rediscovered reading books!)

You could try counselling either on your own or jointly.

If you do deceide to leave make sure you have your own bank accoount.

Good Luck with your decision, treat this as a turning point to make yourself happy with or without your DH

[Niceguy2]

I've been a single dad now for a long time. I was living with someone (not kids mum) for a while but ultimately we're on our own again.

From personal experience, some of my friends who have tread a similar path and frequenting boards like this I can tell you that right now you will probably be sitting there and the idea of being a single parent will seem like the answer to all your problems. A little fantasy so to speak.

Be careful!

What you will often find is instead of solving problems, all you do is trade one set of problems for another. For example, your partner doesn't pull his weight with the kids now. Guess what, when you split the problem becomes he can't be bothered to see them.

What about when one or both of you move on? If anyone thinks being a single parent is hard, wait til they try being a stepparent!

At the end of the day only you will know if its the right thing to do or not. Don't think for a single minute its a magic bullet to your dreams.

My advice is to have a frank discussion with your partner and see if there's any chance of salvaging this. No-one is suggesting you stay in an unhappy relationship but you need to be 200% sure its the right thing to do if you do decide to call it a day.

Hope that helps

[crokky]

I am not a single parent, but my children are 3 and 1, same age as yours.

Life can be extremely stressful and difficult when children are little and I think in your position I would not leave at the moment because your DP isn't being abusive etc. Do you think it is possible that when your DCs go to school and life becomes a little less frantic that you may be able to get things back to how they were?

In answer to your question, I think it would depend on how much help and support you had. For instance if your mum lived very nearby and was retired and could give you substantial help many times a week, then I would think it might be manageable. Don't know about your finances, but that might be another nightmare if you split?

[superfrenchie1]

hi kidcreole

i'm in sort of a similar situation where things have been really bad between me and dp for ages and i do often - at least once a day, sometimes constantly - feel sure that i would be happier without him. but i just don't know how bad it would have to be to make the leap. the thought of being a single parent is sometimes appealing. i love it when dp is out or away and i just get everything done without any fuss (because i have to), make decisions, curl up with the dcs and look at books, cook whatever I want to cook, not what he wants, have friends round... so i'm confident that i could handle that element

practically it would be v difficult. and my kids love their dad so much. and he does help out and allow me to work and have a social life. plus we own our house on a complicated shared ownership scheme and have a joint mortgage and... and... and... however, when we are together he puts me down, bosses me about, blames me for everything, won't admit that he is ever wrong, won't acknowldge that there is a problem, makes my life pretty miserable. but as far as the kids are concerned he is great. my dcs are 5 and 2.

i guess when it's time to go it's time to go and you'll find that suddenly you are investigating housing options and actually making things happen. other than that i have no idea how you know when you're ready. i might investigate that "too good to leave too bad to stay" book (it's on amazon, i checked).

it does sound like there is a chance things could get better again for you though so i guess you (and i) just need to make sure we have tried everything before we do anything silly

but good luck!

[superfrenchie1]

by the way sorry to ramble on about myself i didn't realise that was so long sorry!

[Holly23]

You've had lots of good advice already and would just echo similar advice, tell DP how you feel, assess his reaction etc before you really decide on whether your relationship with him is really over. Also have you confided in close family members or friends for their support and advice?
Having said that, I had a some arsy texts from my exH yesterday, and I'm so glad I'm no longer with him, however it took me many years to feel strong enough to leave, I'd got the point where I knew I had tried everything possible to make it work so I was sure it there was nothing left to salvage. You need to make sure you feel the same.