It’s better to smile benignly and rise above XP’s twuntery, right?

[BurningBright]

Numpty XP has sent me an email that has made me so furious that I feel a need to confront him about his total twuntery. Throughout the whole episode of being dumped while pregnant I behaved impeccably ? I didn?t rage or scream or succumb to hysterics or throw anything. I was graciousness personified.

But right now I really feel an urgent need to explain to him in great detail exactly why he is spouting nonsense and twaddle. Loudly and with wildly gesticulating hands and possibly with slight frothing at the mouth, maybe even some flying flecks of spittle.

Mostly, actually, I want to hit him. With something heavy. Like a truck.

But it?s better to maintain my outward appearance of calm control, right? Just treat the feckless w**r with the calm disdain that he deserves, no matter how difficult, yes?

[sitdownpleasegeorge]

Do share the e-mail with us if possible(suitably "anonymised" of course) so we can advice accordingly.

[anastaisia]

yes, but rant away on here or to good friends! Don't just let it all build up so you do loose it with him at a bad time.

[cashmeremafia]

[hands towel to BB to wipe away froth and encourages her to punch the fucker's lights out]

On a more serious note: unless he's threatening you with lawyers, etc. could you not just ignore his email? Pretend it never arrived, if he keps asking say oh sorry, you're on my spam black list. Seriously, you have done so well so far and he sounds like a person that is most hurt when...being ignored.

From a legal point of view, if he keeps sending vicious emails and you never react with a nasty one back, then your record will be impeccable and you can obtain a harassment order against him.

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

Don't know the ins and outs but it's more than likely that not only is he e-mailing to provoke a reaction, but he either won't understand or won't accept he is being unreasonable, will he?

So yes - deep breaths, cup of tea/glass of wine, maybe even sleep on it, then only reply if really practically necessary.

I know it's easy for me to say that when I don't know what he sent, but don't let it ruin your day

[BurningBright]

The thing is, it isn't abusive and I suspect that he doesn't actually realise that it might inflame my outrage. In fact, it seems so tiny and insignificant that you'll probably all think I'm getting things a tad out of perspective...

He implies that the only reason that he behaved with almost total uninterest towards DD for the first 2.5 years of her life was to avoid causing me 'distress and upset'. The truth is he walked away and stayed away because he's a selfish imbecile who was more interested in shagging OW than getting to know his own newborn daughter. But he now justifies his appalling behaviour by somehow managing, in his teeny tiny brain, to make it my fault! Whereas he, in this scenario, is actually the chivalrous hero who was protecting me, poor emotionally-challenged, pathetic female that I am, from my feeble-minded inability to not be upset by his glorious presence. Twunt.

I really wanted him to a part of DD's life at the beginning and gave him every opportunity to be involved. I was more sodding upset at the time by his refusal to be involved than I could ever have been by him actually being there for DD.

He gives no thought to how distressing (and infuriating) his sudden reappearance and demand that he be allowed to play 'Daddy' might be.

[oldraver]

Couldnt you just state clearly that no you stayed away because you are selfish and put your own needs before that of you daughter. Then MP'S word.

[anothermansmother]

hello...i have been through this too!
men who have left have to justify things in their own ( tiny little) minds that its was somehow caused by someone other than themselves. how could they possibly be responsible...it used to annoy me too, but luckly i have good friends and family to rant to! dont reply, just give him enough rope to hang himself, because ina few years time when your DD asks about when you were preg and when she did certain things, just direct her to her father who will know nothing and therefore have to explain himself. there are only so many ways you can say i was a twunt!!!if you get what i mean.

[BurningBright]

I SOOO want to tell him that his 'explanation' as to why he stayed away is too nonsensical and self-serving for words. I'd REALLY love to take MP's advice - nice and succinct!

Even more than that I want to tell him that he should continue to stay away because DD is better off without such a waste of space as a parent. (I won't, of course, much as I wish he would just evaporate and disappear, because DD has a right to know where she comes from. That's what I keep reminding myself. I just hope she forgives me for landing her with such a f**kwit as a dad!)

I'll probably end up sticking with the icy disdain. He probably wouldn't even 'get' it if I did try to explain just how rubbish a human being he is.

Repeat to self: I am the better person, I am the better person, I am the better person...

[helenhismadwife]

the truck sounds great can I borrow it after you please?

[Ivykaty44]

Dont bang your head against a brick wall - he will in years to come manage in his own head to becoem the victim in the dovorce you know - you do realise that?

My ex did much the same, messed around having an affair and I found out when I was three months gone, years later he actually stated that"I was depressed as I had left my pg wife you know" and by that he wanted sympathy - the person he told was total gobsmacked and my ex thought and still thinks he was the victim.

He knows deep down what he did was wrong and is now looking for an excuse.

Either ignore or send a mail back stating

I do not want emails excusing your behaviour and blaming others for your own actions. Do not repeat type of email as it may be dangerous to your health.

[BurningBright]

Ivykaty - your perspective is really interesting. I think you are absolutely right that he is looking far an excuse for his own terrible behaviour. And yes, I suspect that he probably has created his own myth around what happened when we split up in which he is the victim.

The email he sent was a reply to one I sent to him asking why all of a sudden he wants to see DD after so long. I think I'm supposed to feel sorry for him (he claims that he always wanted to be involved) and also be grateful (because he stayed away to avoid upsetting me, despite always, according to his newly-cast version of events, wanting to be involved).

As far as I am concerned this is all total fabrication and nonsense. And the really frustrating thing is that he didn't mention DD once in a way that would imply he has any genuine interest in her. It's all about him and what he wants and what he feels.

Of course, I'm going to let him see her. Really don't want to, but I have to think about the fact that one day she will want to know him and know where she comes from.

I'm going to ignore and rise above it. I'll have to email back to arrange to meet him to discuss the contact with DD and I don't imagine telling the numpty what a twunt he is will be conducive to our converstaion going well, so best to ignore.

Thank heavens for mumsnet and being able to rant and get it out of my system here.

[Ivykaty44]

A word of advice,

Send email stating only that you will meet for a disscusion about contact with said dd.

Go to meeting with a fair idea of what you think is suitable for said dd to see her other parent.

If at any time the other parents trys in any small way to talk about other events or sympathy - stop the conversation (this sounds really OTT, but it works) state we are her to talk about dd and contact and I have to go shortly - end.
You two can be parents together for dd, but there is no need to go over old ground, lay blame on either side or anything else.

Start as you mean to go on, wipe slate clean and make him realsie that you are only meeting to arrange contact.

At contact start and finsih, keep it much the same as nursery drop of and pick up. Say what needs to be said and get off.

Hope things work out. Remember look and realish the fact that you no longer have to live with such a twity twat

[BurningBright]

Ivykaty - yuour advice is appreciated and makes a lot of sense.

I still haven't replied to the email - wanted to have the weekend free from worry about what would be in my inbox this morning - but I will later today.

And yes, the fact that I no longer live with the numpty moron is something that I celebrate and rejoice in!