I've just had enough....

[kara0811]

...of my ex-h, of this whole situation, and I don't know what to do anymore.

He left in April after admitting he was seeing someone else, and moved straight in with her. He claimed that everything was my fault, I had controlled him for 9 years, forced him to have kids etc.... despite having never once raised that during our marriage. He turned into a different person overnight (literally) was just horrible to me for weeks on end. He saw our children (aged 2 and 3) a few times, then stopped seeing them for 16 weeks. He filed for divorce (Yes, HE did!!), so solictors got involved, and he saw the kids a few more times, and now hasn't seen them for 6 and a half weeks.

I am petrified every time the postman comes in case there is a solicitors letter. I know that sounds pathetic, but he's just pushed me to the edge. Every letter I get defends him, and gives me all these justifications for why he hasn't seen the children. I am trying to find out when he wants to see the children over Christmas, but I still haven't heard anything, meaning I can't make plans. My 3 yr old keeps asking when she is going to see him, and I have to lie to her and say that daddy is working, coz I don't want to put him down in front of her.

Both my kids have had chicken pox in the past few weeks, we now all have stinking colds, and I am just struggling to do it on my own. My 2 year old son winds up in my bed every night, which I know isn't good, but I'm so tired all the time, that I would do anything for a good night's sleep.

I just don't know what to do when I get his proposals for Christmas. I just have visions of them being ridiculous, so I say no, and then he has even more reason to blame me for everything, even though I am trying to bend over backwards to get him to see our children and accomodate him. What would be reasonable? He hasn't seen the children for 6 and a half weeks. That contact was for 2 and half hours, and followed 2 weeks of no contact. This is all his choice, by the way. It goes through solicitors, so it isn't me not allowing him to see them. He has twice refused to attend mediation, so that isn't an option.

I've just had enough, and I want it all to stop and go away.

[OptimistS]

Oh Kara, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's always hardest when you see your kids being messed around and hurt after a breakup.

The first 12 months is always the worst. By this time next year you may look back and be pleasantly surprised by how much easier things are. If your ex is feeling guilty because he's the one the called off the marriage, this may be why he's blaming you, making life difficult and avoiding the children. It happens and often settles down given time. I know that's not much consolation now, though.

To save your own sanity, and seeing as things have reached the stage where you and your ex can't talk apart from through solicitors, I'd say that you need to make your own plans for Christmas, regardless of what your ex wants. If you can find it in your heart to change those plans if your ex suggests contact, then that's great for your DC and shows you to have a willingness to be reasonable and move on. However, you owe your ex nothing, only your children. Contact arrangements vary enormously from family to family, but in a situation where the NRP is behaving responsibly and maintaining regular contact, it is usual for them to see their DC on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, possibly overnight. In your case, however, given that your ex has had so little contact, I would not be expecting him to have the cheek to ask for Christmas Day or an overnight visit.

If you are confident that you have tried everything and he's not meeting you half way, you need to accept that this is the way things are and make your own plans without him, until such time (if ever) that he decides to start taking his responsibilities as a father seriously.

Sometimes it can help to write a really nice letter saying it's time to let bygones be bygones and only focus on the future and how you can best work together as co-parents (rather than exes) for the benefit of your children. What matters is the future, not the past. However, this will only work at a certain stage in your relationship, and if bitterness is still rife then now might not be the time.

Good luck Kara. It does get easier and I hope you reach that stage sooner rather than later.

[kara0811]

That you OptimistS. Your message has made me cry, but just because it is the first time in so long I have felt that someone understands. I also don't feel well, and think that may have something to do with it!

I have been, and am, willing to sit down and talk with him like a reasonable adult, but he is not. All I want is for my children to be protected and not hurt, and if that means swallowing my own hurt and anger for the sake of sorting things out for them, then I will. Ex-h won't however. It is like he has walked away from me, and also wants to walk away from every aspect of the life we had together, including our children.

I spoke to my solicitor yesterday, and asked her to chase him one more time re. Christmas. So she faxed asking for his Christmas proposals, and also proposals for his contact with the children for the next 6 months. She asked for it by close of business on Friday. If I haven't had anything by then, then I will go ahead and make my own plans.

I really am just trying to be fair, and I am happy for him to have them for some of Christmas Eve and some of Christmas Day, but I am not happy for an overnight stay. Given that they are 3 and 2, and he has spent less than 20 hours with them in the last 8 months, and now lives with a new partner, I don't feel that is a good idea.

Is that reasonable to offer him some time with them, say on Christmas Eve afternoon and Christmas Day afternoon? He has only spent 3 hours at a time with them, which is why I hadn't thought the whole day. But is it fair on the children to split their Christmas day in 2?

I am so new to all of this, and I want to make it fair for everyone. It's just so hard, when the other person seems to want to make it as difficult as possible.

[OptimistS]

Sounds to me like you are trying very hard to do the right thing here. 20 hours in the last 8 months would indeed suggest that an overnight stay is not a good idea, and if it ever went to court I think it's likely that a judge would agree that an overnight stay is something to be worked towards, not granted straight away.

I am all for contact with the absent parent, despite the fact that it is often very unfair on the primary caregiver. However, in your case, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to claim Christmas Day to yourself. It would be different if your ex had been seeing the kids every week without fail and then wanted Christmas Day. In this case, Christmas Eve afternoon and some time on Boxing Day would be very generous of you, and your ex would hopefully interpret it in the spirit that it was meant - that you want to faciliate contact as much as possible. I don't feel that an overnight stay is appropriate at the moment, given the sporadic contact to date and the fact that your children are so young.

A word of advice about the new partner: As a mother, it is only natural that you worry about your ex's new partner and whether she is a suitable person for your chidlren to be around. I am exactly the same with my ex's new girlfriends (they change quite regularly). Unfortunately, if your ex has PR the law sees it as down to him to see fit whether the new partner is safe around the kids. It is not up to you, and unless you have valid concerns (such as the new partner is violent, uses drugs etc) you are unlikely to get anywhere with this. You just have to trust your ex's judgement. I know how hard that is by the way and I have lost sleep over it. However, it is important to remember that most people are decent when it comes to children, regardless of what you read in the papers. Realistically, your ex's new partner is going to be guilty of benign disinterest more than abuse, and she may actually make quite an effort.

I really feel for you. You sound as though you are trying so hard to be objective about this and to do the right thing, but that your ex has yet to catch up with you and in the meantime you are still emotionally raw from your break up. For what it's worth, I think things will work out quite well in the end. Your ex will either meet the challenge and reward your efforts or he won't. But you sound like the sort of person who will deal well with either situation, regardless of the personal cost. I know that if contact ceases altogether, it will be because of your ex not wanting it. You strike me as the sort that will have tried everything before moving on. When your children are grown, you will have nothing to reproach yourself for and you will have an unbreakable bond with them, while your ex will have very little and no one to reproach for it except himself.

Give yourself a break.

[kara0811]

Thanks again OptimistS. I only just read your second message, so thank you.

I am going to wait and see what his proposals for Christmas are (if anything), but yes, I think I will keep them with me for Christmas Day. Months ago (before solcitors were involved) he kept threatening me with court, despite me not denying him access to the children at all, and that is why I get so panicky about arranging contact.

I feel like he is goading me into a situation where he can blame me for his absence, as the only times he ever puts forward for contact are when the children have pre-school. So of course I say no, and it then allows him to blame me.

But I say no, on the advice of my solicitor. Why should my children have to miss pre-school, something that is paid for, they enjoy and is part of their normal weekly routine. This time next year my eldest will be at school full time, and I can't pull her out of school, just because ex happenes to be 'free'.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now....!!!

[alfazema]

IMO you should think about the children and yourself in first, second and third place!! Let him go, he is tho one who is losing the most important, don´t hesitate in defending your children best interests first. If they have not enough father they should have twice a mother...

[MincePirateCat]

they play the blame game, to cover up thier own guilt, at what they have done.

Someone very wise on here had to explain that to me, after 3 yrs of me not 'getting' this.

If 'he' truly admitted any fault or was reasonable and changed or backed down, it would be about admitting they are guilt, and there fore that they have actually done something bad/wrong.

So they blame us instead. They are very hard done by, and the like.

You have done the very best thing in getting your solicitor to give him a date for confirmation.

[Ivykaty44]

Dont play his game is the only advice I really have.

Set out what access you want for the dc - put it on paper and get it sent to him in the new year, if he then wants to play around and not bother - let him.

Let him -like a child has to - get used to you saying no.

Dont keep bending over backwards for him - it will not alter things in the long run, you will not be thanked.

never run him down to the dc, always let the dc see him for arranged trips but dont let the dc see him walk all over you as they grow up.

Like a naughty dc be firm, say no, dont whatever you do get into an argument - your not with him you dont need to listen to his crap - walk away. Dont get into a text argument or conversation either. Just state to him - your not happy talk to your solicitor, repeat it if he contiinues.

Just think - I can shut my front door and he dissapears [smiles] my home, my happiness.

Usually they want to come back around 9-10 months after they left for the other woman....tis true you know, dont be surprised if he asks to come back and if he doesn't ask he will try it on...somehow

[pinguthepenguin]

I really feel for you...been there, still got the t-shirt. Look up my previous posts to see the excellent advice I got from one poster in particular.

What he is doing is a textbook psychological trait called, 'transference', i.e, he feels bloody wretched about how he has conducted himself, but finds it easier to lay those feelings with you in the form of blame and obstructive behaviour. To do otherwise, would be to admit that he has trampled all over you and your children, and frankly, that can't happen.
This man needs to 'demonise' you. He needs a reason to hate you, because the alternative ( to look at himself) is too ugly to contemplate. Laying the entire blame at your feet helps him live with the life choices he has made.

To be honest, people who end relationships in this way, imo, are unlikely to change. I agree with other posters, things will most certainly settle down in terms of coming to an agreement with the children etc, but I would honestly advise you to never hold out for recognition of fault from him.

In the meantime, proceed with your plans for christmas. Realise, that until he internalizes the guilt that he feels rather than 'transferring' it to you- he will not stop searching for reasons to prove why he simply had to leave you. Staying away from the children, and blaming you for obstructing him, is exactly how he will achieve that.

On that basis, bending over backwards to facilitate contact with the children, will prove a fruitless task. In other words, you'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You will heal, I promise.

[kara0811]

Thank you all so much for your replies. You all seem to know exactly how I feel, so I am guessing you have all been there too.

Your comments re. the transferring blame are spot on. I hadn't actually thought of it like that, but it makes perfect sense. I keep getting to the point of thinking, was I really that bad? Did I really make him feel like that? But the answer is always no. Or at least I don't think so! I thought we had a happy marriage, a lovely family.... We had plans for another baby this year, we had a holiday booked for May 5th this year, and then at the beginning of April he came home and announced he was leaving. It was totally out of the blue, and he totally changed overnight.

There is no question that his behaviour was and is deplorable. Even if you take away what he has done to me, his treatment of his children is just disgusting, so he has A LOT to feel guilty about, and I guess I am just getting that pushed onto me.

I also think you're right about not bending over backwards, it doesn't seem to be achieving anything. The problem is, I'm so scared of him taking me to court over the children, and then lying to the judge and saying I have "denied him access". I don't know why I am scared about that, but I've become a real emotional wreck since this all began, and think I might be bordering on irrational!!

Thanks again for your replies. I guess I'll know by Monday morning if he got his proposals into the solicitor.