Can ex demand to meet new dp?

[lunavix]

I've had many, many posts about controlling exH, so here is another! lol

ExH rang me to say that ds had told me that dp picks him up from childminders on his own (eg without me). This hasn't ever happened incidentally. He then said that he has a right (in the interests of 'health and safety' he put it ) to know who was allowed to collect them as 'if one of the children got lost, I'd be asked who was the responsible adult and I wouldn't know'

Now, if he had asked nicely and just said 'is (my dp) allowed to by you?' or even 'has he?' it wouldn't have got my back up and I'd have considered it a responsible question in conversation. However, I simply responded he never had, and I didn't view it as an issue as if a child got lost on my time with them, I'd assume I'd get asked who had been looking after them, not him!

Since then we have had a row (not related) with him messing up his contact with them. I told him that I'd consider dp authorised to (granted I said this as I was planning on leading on to saying dp would be caring for them for the hours exH had messed around but didn't get that fair) and also another friend. He ignored this text and when phoned tonight he lectured me on the hours messing around (he viewed it as my fault even though he was changing hours) and I said that my view in the text still stood, that dp was allowed to care for the kids alone, I trusted him enough. Ds incidentally is at that friends house for tea.

ExH then informed me he had to meet dp as he didn't know whether he was of sound character and responsible (and also basically insinuated he had no idea if he was a paedophile or not) and had a right to meet him. I told him that I had now informed him that dp was allowed to so he knew (which was his original request) but I didn't want him to meet him, particularly on 'meeting him terms'. As in, if he was here when exH picked up dc, sure. That will happen one day. ExH is not a nice person, and I can't guarantee dp will not be frosty as he is aware of a lot of what exH has done, and still does to me.

He told me that his solicitor today had told him he had a right to know who was authorised to pick up the kids from CMs, and he knew he has a legal right to meet dp to judge his character. And if I don't want it to go further legally I will need to comply.

Is this true?

If he had asked normally about it then I'd have probably thought about it and said who was authorised. But he makes such a big deal about his 'legal rights' - I don't think him having the knowledge of who can collect dc will go to court somehow!

When I said about how I wasn't going to phone and tell him every time ds went to a friends for dinner, he said he didn't expect me to, he just wanted to know who was allowed to collect them. So wouldn't that include all friends parents? And surely he wouldn't know where they are anyways then?

[Freckle]

You don't have to provide any information that you don't want to, although obviously in the interests of good relationships it wouldn't do any harm to tell him what he wants to know. As to meeting dp, well dp can always refuse to meet exH, can't he? ExH has no control over him and cannot force him to a meeting.

However, you should be aware that whatever you do or don't do over this, then the chances are that exH will do the same if/when he gets a dp (if he doesn't already have one).

[TheSeriousOne]

Legally, I am sure the answer is no. But I went through a hellish process of meeting DH's ex (his kids mum) because we felt it was the best thing for the kids.

Agree with Freckle that, 10 years down the line, it's changed nothing and she is still an utter fruit loop who won't speak to me since I had my baby, but I still feel I did the right thing for the kids and I think that has had an amazing difference to our relationship (get on great with the step kids)

So, I'd say, do what you think is right for the kids. If you ex wishes to be unhappy, then he will be regardless of what you do.

TSS x

[TheSeriousOne]

Just checked with DH... No, he (your ex)doesn't have any rights to check who picks the kids up as long as you (assuming you are the custodial parent) have given that person the OK.

[andjustincase]

I don't expect to meet any new partner of his, I believe he is responsible as a parent to make his own choices. And like I said, it's not like I'd be hiding him away, I'm just not agreeing to an official 'meet'.

In the interests of good relationships, I'd be inclined to agree. However we do not have one. (Refer to my 100 posts on his previous behaviour).

It's bleak that this will be happening for potentially the next 16 years.

[andjustincase]

TheSeriousOne - so did he make it up then? He said that his solicitor said that he has the legal right to know who is authorised. He has lied before, told me he was told something then admitted he didn't even have a solicitor.

I would honestly tell him if we had a normal relationship. I have no reason to hide it. The issues between us have always been those of control and I feel this is just another control factor.

And oops just totally blew my cover lol

[TheSeriousOne]

If you have custody of the kids (are custodial parent or would be classed as such by the court), you have NO legal obligation to tell him who you have given permission to look after or pick up the kids. None. Unless he can go to court and prove there is a reason a certain person couldn't be trusted.

But, conversely, you have few rights over who HE introduces to the kids.

As the NP, I went through a whole process lasting around 2 years before I saw the kids on my own, I am glad I did, even though it hasn't changed my relationship with his ex one jot (she's still a nutter!)

So, if he is telling you a solicitor told him that, I'd say he's lying. BUT I have a very dim view of solicitors and many will word things in such a way to mean whatever the customer wants to hear (regardless of the legal truth)

[salsmum]

lunavix you could of course suggestto your ex that he pays his solicitor to run a CRB check[which will show any convictions]on your DP and see what he comes up with then. I'm assuming that you can have one done if he pays .

[salsmum]

suggest [sp]

[lunavix]

TheSeriousOne - That doesn't bother me, to be honest I never expected to know who he introduced them to.

I believe the whole the solicitor could have told him thing, mine seemed to make things up as he went along as well.

salsmum - I may suggest that one I'm assuming he may have one already (dp) as he's an accountant - I'm sure he's not allowed a criminal record.

[TheSeriousSanta]

Lunavix... sad to say, some solicitors will say anything.

We had one who didn't know her arse from her elbow... Sadly we didn't either until we'd been mauled in court. I can laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny at the time.

[mrsmharkTHEHERALDANGELSSINGet]

imhe, x's will say that sols said this and that whne thye haven't actually been to see one. now i say to x when he trots out this excuse,

"well, could you ask your sol (knowing full well he doesn't have one as he 'can't afford one') to send me a letter covering all thepoints you have just raised with me, then i and my sol can answer them properly".

i don't hear a word about sols anymore what i get instead is "i am older than you so i am more mature (is he heck - he had a screaming tantrum at the age of 44lmao/rofl/pmsl ... )than you. i will sit down with you and chat about this in mature manner as (the following was the ony bit of truth in the whole monologue from him) i can't afford a sol."

if you can react rationally to whatever he throws at you, he is wasting his energy not yours, and you will come out of it the bigger person, sts. i know that sometimes it is easier said than done, but you will get there sweetheart xxx

[mrsmharkTHEHERALDANGELSSINGet]

when and they obv