Ex-P and I both work. Is it reasonable for me to ask him to collect DS from nursery once a fortnight?

[LoveAndSqualor]

Back story ... ExP and I split up about three months ago (though I only moved out a month ago). We have a DS; he's eight months old - pregnancy was something of a surprise; problems v much there before and the split was fairly amicable - things between us v relaxed and amicable now. However ...

I just started back at work after nine months' mat leave this week. I'm doing four-day weeks; Ds is at nursery 8am-5ish. The problem is this. Having started back at work, I'm already struggling with leaving dead on 4.45 every night. I asked ex-P on the phone tonight whether he might consider picking DS up once a fortnight, so I can stay late one night and crack on with stuff (hard to work at anight at home as I'm living with my sister and my computer is in my and DS's room). I work in a fairly senior/demanding media job; exP is a corporate lawyer. He said on the phone tonight that he didn't think he'd be able to commit to collecting DS once a fortnight (he'll already be picking him up every other Friday to have him for the weekend).

My question is this: is it reasonable for me to push this? I feel like DS is exP's son, and though he's living with me, it's fair for me to ask him to help out with the pick up, as I would if we were still together. recognise his job is demanding and it's hard for him to leave, but so is mine ... and just because I'm the woman and DS is resident with me, I don't think that means exP can renouce his responsibility entirely. What do you think? So confused by the split and swirling emotions that I'm not sure what's reasonable any more.

Sorry this is so long! All thoughts appreciated ...

[solidgoldbrass]

What little I understand of corporate law does unfortunately give me the impression that it's another job that can be quite hard to commit to leaving on time (ie emergencies occur fairly often). Could you negotiate with him to the effect that if he knows he's got a light day ahead he could pick DS up that night ie vary it a little but give you extra time here and there?

[BuckwheatPillow]

Could he pick up early on a Friday? ie. from his nursery?

[LoveAndSqualor]

SGB, thanks for replying - would be v happy to be entirely flexible about it, as exP knows (have already acknowledged that there will be some fridays when it's exP's turn to collect DS and he's kept late). All I want, really, is an acknowledgement that this is a joint responsibility and a commitment to trying to get there once a fortnight from him ... I guess my problem with it is that my job is reasonable high octane too (though not a patch on corporate law, I suspect), but I have taken a salary cut to take care of DS once a week and drop him and pick him up every other day. Were we together, I'd insist ... but because we're not and I instigated the split, I feel that I can't ... and should deal with it on my own, as that's the choice I've made. Aaargh.

[LoveAndSqualor]

BP, he will be doing this once a fortnight (picking up on a friday) - though he's already pointed out that there will be some occasions when he's held back at work. Again, to explain .. I guess my problem is ideological to an extent. If I'd been a corporate lawyer and accidentally fallen pg, I'd have had to suck it up and leave on time .. wouldn't I? Should he be exempt from chipping in because he's te father? I am v sympathetic to the difficulty of leaving his work on time, and how that might look; what I object to is that he doesn't see that that's true for me too...

[controlfreakyhohohohohohoho]

but if he was resident parent and still corporate lawyer reality is baby would be in nursery til much later..... i think you're quite right to ask him and quite right to expect an acknowledgement that baby is joint responsibility..... but wouldnt hold your breath re his flexibility..... hope he is paying handsome child support!

[LoveAndSqualor]

Argh controlfreaky... slightly as I suspected. My sister has just got back so going to talk to her about it ... she's offered to pick him up one night a week, which is so amaxing of her given I'm already staying in her (small) flat rent free so that I can hopefully save a deposit to buy somewhere for DS and me .. exP not paying any maintenance to me, but paying £120 a month for DS's expenses and apercentage of his childcare cost (done on salary ratio).

[dilemma456]

Message withdrawn

[WhileShosheWatchedHerFlocks]

L&S why is your ex paying so little?

120.00 towards expenses from a Corporate Lawyer is a pittance, even if he does pay a percentage of the Childcare.

[controlfreakyhohohohohohoho]

absolutely agree. £120??? unless he's paying thousands re childcare costs he's having a laugh! get yourself some legal advice lands.... from a specialist family lawyer. you can apply under schedule 1 of the children act 1989 (as never married to dp) for a lump sum etc which if appropriate can mean capital for housing costs.... (depending obviously on all financial info this may or may not be appropriate). does he have lavish / comfortable / wealthy lifestyle? if so court will not expect there to be a huge disparity as not in dss interests. sont know the whole picture of course but £120 sounds derisory.

[TheGreatChristmasEvie]

YANBU.This is the thing that DH and I used to fight the most over.Who could leave early to get the kids, who was doing the dropping off.
When we only had DD1 I did picking up and dropping off.Consequently I was often late/knakcered/covered in snot on getting to work as well as panicking like an idiot at the end of the day to get back in time, and having to leave things at work when it wasnt ideal.(I work in Social Care.It can be very difficult to say, 'right, got to go now' in the middle of a crisis).
When DD2 came along I insisted he did the dropping off.He moaned like mad at this.But he does it.And he has since apologised that he never did it before as he now appreciates how stressful it is.
The children are the responsiblity of both parents.Thus unless he is going to pay for you to afford to be a SAHM or for extra CM/nursery hours he will have to contribute.Its not even as if he will be taking an equal share of the picking up if its only once a fortnight.

[elastamum]

YANBU I have had the same. My ex wont commit to picking the kids up from school at 5pm as he is too busy and also doesnt see why he should pay towards childcare when I go back to work.

BTW Your exp is paying nothing like he should for child support. Look at the CSA website, you should get 15% of net income for first child I think. I bet that is a lot more than £120 You might think that is enough now but wait until they get older