Help - he's not paying maintenance....

[alandimi]

Ok, here goes, bit of background info: Single mum having got pregnant by ex boyfriend last christmas, told ex, he was happy, went ahead with the pregnancy (would have done even if he hadn't been happy), moved to Brighton (from London/Yorkshire) in order for him to have access and be involved in baby's life, had beautiful baby girl in September.

While I was pregnant we discussed maintenance and agreed that he would pay £20 per week once she was born, or within a couple of months of her being born. Having chatted to family I decided to up it to £25 per week and asked the ex to sort out regular payments last month (at which he grumbled 'I'll try, it's difficult enough finding my rent"). A month on he still hasn't done anything. He has just told me he has been paid £1,100 for a job he has just finished (having already been paid £1,000 at the beginning) and has another £350 coming his way but when I asked if he could sort out dd's maintenance he said he can't afford it "I can give you money now but I'll be dead by January because I wont' be able to eat" and "I'll probably have to stop coming round because I can't afford the bus journey". But he is travelling to Yorkshire for Christmas (as I am going to my parents with DD) and he travels to London a lot to see his girlfriend. He makes me feel guilty for asking for money for his own daughter. The only money I have coming in is from the government maternity allowance and child benefit (my rent thankfully is paid by Housing benefit) and I try my best to save but I have bills too and no one to share them with. I live in my overdraft.

I can't tell him to sort it out as he hates being told what to do and gets in a real grump and I'm loathe to go to the CSA as he is self employed and apparently it is really difficult for them to work out how much he should pay etc.

It makes me so cross he hasn't managed to sort anything out, he knew he had a baby coming his way and he has done nothing (I saved like fury over the summer to provide for her), yet he gets so arsey if I mention maintenance.

I've gone out of my way to keep him involved in DD's life and I'm getting nothing in return. It's almost tempting to move back to Yorkshire and I know that would kill him and I don't want to deprive DD of a father....

I have to handle this really carefully - Anyone got any suggestions as to how I should handle this?

[alandimi]

Oh it would also really piss him off if I went to the CSA and I don't want him to get stroppy with me.

[OptimistS]

I might get flamed for this, but you could consider trying to accept the fact that you're unlikely to receive any maintenance from him. I know it's not fair, especially when you look at the sacrifices you have made in comparison, but sometimes you have to accept that you're going to get nowhere. I've never had a penny from my ex and know that if I pushed it the only thing I would achieve is him bowing out of his DCs lives. I have now passed the stage where I am resentful about it. Are your feelings going to make him give you money? No. So if you can't control him giving you money or not, the only other thing you can control is your feelings. Do you see what I'm getting at? It's totally wrong that you would have to do this, but I think it's unlikely that he's going to change...

As a last resort, maybe you could try writing him a letter saying that you appreciate how much of an effort he's making with your DD and you will do everything within your power to keep their relationship going, but you are really struggling because you are not receiving any maintenance. You appreciate that times are tight and it's not easy for him either, but you agreed to have DD together and therefore must take joint responsibility. His getting arsey may actually be an expression of guilt that he's not paying anything. No body likes to be reminded that they are failing... It's a question of priorities, and while DD doesn't live with him, it's sort of inevitable that she's not going to figure at the top of the list, even though that seems just plain wrong to you and I. Try to be firm but sympathetic - pointing out how selfish he is being is not going to get you anywhere.

Maintenance and contact are not linked in the eyes of the law, nor should they be morally. I decided long ago that as long as my ex was a father to our DC then maintenance was neither here nor there. At the end of the day I can look back and feel proud that I managed all by myself on my own income, and when DC grow up and are old enough to ask, it will be their dad that has to answer for his lack of responsibility, not me. And I'll know that if he does disappear out of their lives it won't be due to anything I've said or done. All the blame will be on his head alone. Taking the moral highground can take years to pay dividends, but it does...

Hope you get sorted. I know how miserable it is to be skint and seeing an ex living the life of riley, but remember you got the best deal in the end because you have your DD and an irreplaceable relationship with her that your ex will never achieve with her, no matter how much maintenance he pays. Good luck.

PS Sorry for such a long post. Also, be wary of using CSA if you're getting some money, as they nearly always end up messing it up with self-employed earnings and you might end up with nothing. Of course if you're getting nothing whatsoever anyway, then you've nothing to lose...

[alandimi]

Thanks OptimistS.

I see where you are coming from and do agree - I wouldn't deny him access just because he wasn't coughing up any money, I just get so cross knowing he has all this money coming in and yet he can't afford even £10 a week to help with essentials for his daughter, especially when, if I say i had wanted to do something but couldn't afford it he says 'oh you should have asked me, I would have paid'.

May be it is easier just to forget it as you suggest. It's just so frustrating.

[youknownothingofthecrunch]

If he is as rubbish as you say - let's face it you're not asking for much - and you want to keep things amicable, then would it be possible for you to ask him to buy £25 worth of stuff a week? No idea how much you spend on nappies, but what if he bought all her nappies? Or supplied food, or something like that. Tangible things that he can see going to her.

Obviously he should be giving you the money, but I think you seem just as concerned with keeping your relationship good (as you should be, well done you), so I get the feeling you won't push too hard for the money.

[alandimi]

I don't want to keep pushing as don't want to rock the boat but it's not just immediate stuff I'd like the money for, it's also for saving a bit so she can have separate jabs which cost a fortune (I'm not sure about the MMR) and for nursery and emergencies and I'd rather have the money sat in an account (I set up a separate one just for this so he knows it is being spent on DD rather than me) so it is there when I need it rather than going to him asking for a contribution and being told he can't afford to eat if he gives me anything. My sister is really funny, she says if he says anything like that again I should go 'fine, i'll take the money thanks'.

[Tinkerbel6]

alandimi I think you need to stop pussyfooting round this guy, so what if you rock the boat, if he is any kind of man he will still see his child regardless, you are struggling for money whilst he is living a carefree life. Get on to the csa and make a claim, keep your ears open as to where he is working so you can inform them and keep a note of how much he is bragging he is earning, I'm with your sister on this one

[zoe99]

Hi alandimi, I have this year gone through the whole CSA expereince, get on to them right away. They can only back date money from when you contact them. I was in the army and ex is an officer in the navy, we split and I left the army this year taking quite a pay drop. My ex does not see his son through his choice. I found by going through the CSA it lets a third party deal with the uncomfortable issues of money. I have had it done by attachment of earnings. Go get your childs money, you owe it to your child. I would move back to yorkshire to be with your family, you dont owe your ex anything and he cant expect you to stay local to him forever? You have to think what would you do if he moved away to be with his girlfriend.

[gillybean2]

I'm a little confused. You get benefits (you mentioned housing benefit) yet the CSA aren't involved? I understood that until recently (Oct this year) the CSA automatically went into the process of persuing the 'absent' parent if you were claiming benefits. So just wondering why that hasn't happened with your case.

Also if you are on benefits you will only be allowed to keep the first £20 of anything you get in maintenance (or other income). After that your benefits get reduced. So asking for £25 rather than £20 seems pointless as you won't get to keep the extra £5, or your benefits will be reduced by the extra £5. Either way you don't get to keep any more that the £20.

Are you going back to work after your maternity leave is up? Or are you going to be on income support for a while? I suggest you go see your lone parent advisor (at the job centre) and find out what you are entitled too and what your options are. Or try the CAB and see what they say you should be getting in benefits and what you can expect from CSA.

The rules have changed recently. You may be able to opt out of the CSA now and make a private arrangement. Your benefit will be reduced though if you get maintenance over £20 per week and if you don't get the maintenance then you'll end up worse off that if you'd got the benefit and left the CSA to chase it for you.

It's blackmail for him to say he won't come and see her if he has to pay. Raising a child is expensive and hard. If he can't afford it and his rent then he'll have to suppliment his income by taking on a second job. Restaurants and supermarkets etc always need people prepared to work unsociable hours. You should suggest it to him.

Also I would say put in a claim to the CSA right away as it won't be back dated. If he moans say you are claiming benefits so it is out of your hands. You won't be any worse off than you are now. And if he's going to be like this now it will only get worse.

He may come good, but from what you've said so far it seems he has no idea of the emotional and financial responsibilities that come with being a parent. Some people never wise up to it I'm afraid. Especially if they don't have that significant bonding
experience early on. You may well find you are going to end up doing this on your own completely.

Don't rely on him. If you do get any money from him (doubtful) then look on it as a bonus or windfall. Budget accordingly.

[alandimi]

I am not claiming income support as I am on Maternity Allowance (not the same as Maternity pay). When I originally applied for IS (inc Housing benefit and Council tax benefit) before DD was born they said I could claim MA too but it turned out that was wrong so I got IS for a about 6 weeks and then it suddenly stopped as they thought I was getting MA but there had been a mix up so i got nothing for about 2 months. But as I am on such a low income - just MA, I get my Housing and council tax paid.

The ex and I had a bit of a chat last night - apparently he really doesn't have any money, he is behind on his rent and hasn't paid his council tax etc... I think I just need to accept he is never going to be able to give me a set amount each week (he is self employed in theatre - never knows when or where his next job is going to be). It just frustrates me that he knew at the beginning of the year he had a baby coming and didn't even manage to save a fiver!! He said if he had any spare he would give it to me but at the moment it just isn't possible.

[dsrplus8]

if he can afford to go to london to see a gf, he can afford to give your dd something! even just a bag of nappies ,its not much to ask. hes a shit!sorry but i cant stand to hear these men(use the term loosly) who cant afford their kids, so dont pay anything to them.its the mums who do without, so their kids can have (im talking food here girls).phone his parents and ask why their son isnt providing for his daughter? SHAME HIM INTO IT !

[ELOB]

absolutely. next time he says 'he'll be dead cause he cant afford to eat' say the same thing back about his child. tell him you have not contacted the csa because you wanted to keep things amicable but will have to do this if he fails to keep up regular maintenance. do you know what he earns? he has to pay you a set amount, 15% net income i believe for 1 child. you can work out yourself how much he would need to pay. personally, hes not in your life much so id get csa onto him.