when do you stop feeling jealous of your ex?

[raisinbran]

Ex told me at 4pm after dropping the kids back that he has moved his girlfriend in to his home, and plans to tell the kids in the NY. ( he comes up from London to see them so stays in hotels).

Apart for making the kids dinner and letting them eat in front of the Tv tonight I have not stopped crying.

He did dump me 14mths ago I thought I had come to terms with the separation and deep down I know he isn't right for me, i just feel that his life is still exciting and he has found a loving relationship. I am so lonely .....everyone else loses weight when they get divorced instead I am comfort eating and putting on weight rapidly. This compounds my low self esteem so i'll never meet anyone.

I know I should be grateful what I have got, healthy kids, enough money to get by on even if there are things I have to go with out etc.

Before his lover moved in announcemet we had been getting on amicably and practically which was benefitting all parties. Ironically I don't know any single parents or divorced people, yet 3 of my friends are 2nd wives and they get so irrited by the 1st wife.

My friends and family think I am coping marvelously but i'm not emotionally, and getting all embarressed in front of them when they can't do anything isn't going to help. I have joined a gym, taken on charity work and keep my house clean and tidy but life is boring and lonely and I am sad.

[TheNewsMongrel]

Well I can't stand my x, wouldn't want him back, I left him, but I still feel jealous that his life is more comfortable than mine (financially), his career is uninterrupted and going from strength to strength, he can afford fancy holidays and gives me NOTHING for the children, but yet wants to take them on holiday. I know it is a waste of time, but I do want him to suffer.

(he was violent to me). I know it's different but I sort of identify anyway..

I don't know any other single parents either. I just know married mums. everybody I'm friends with has a lovely husband! honestly! twould make you sick! thank god for internet.

[TheNewsMongrel]

ps

That's ironic alright about 3 of your friends being 2nd wives! That must make it very hard to talk about how you're feeling as they'll see it all from the 2nd wife's pov, and they HAVE to do that to rationalise their own status quo.

COme on here and vent. I don't think the first wive should be under any obligation to disappear or become a doormat/invisible, just for the convenience of the second wife!

[mamalovesmojitos]

raisinbran, you are not alone. i don't want to get back with dd's dad as he didn't treat me well at all.

but he's gotten his life on track a lot since we broke up -typical - and though he doesn't have a gf at the moment, i know when he does i will be jealous!

you have to work on your self-esteem first and lay good foundations on which a strong relationship can be built when you are ready.

i could take my own advice but if your weight is holding you back maybe you could address it. i'm hoping to do the same.

you sound like a go-getter, smart, a loving mum, on top of your house, charity work!! you're doing so much already, onwards and upwards.

and remember what you've typed 'deep down i know he isn't right for me'.

thenewsmongrel amen, thank god for the internet!

[raisinbran]

Thanks TNM, I have used up a box of tissues so have had to stop snivelling and pull myself together.

My friends were good when it first happened and did try to put themselves in my situation and like wise I have done the same for them when they are having issues.Its just that common sense and emotions aren't always in synch and nobody really understands unless you have had a similar experience.

I am sorry you have had a tough time too, but it was good of you to come and say a few words makes me feel I am not the only one.

[raisinbran]

Thanks too Mama,you are right, I just need to snap out of living my life and reacting to his life.It just seems unfair that from the minute he left he has had a good relationship and the funds to enjoy life to help him get through the divorce and my life just plods on daily,keeping expenses to a minimum.Even indulging in a glass of wine a night has lost its appeal.

Tomorrow is another day.

[mamalovesmojitos]

well it is tough. we want to be the main parent, but we do suffer financially and socially.

does he contribute fairly to your dc's upkeep?

all i do is try and enjoy my dd, i know that she'll grow up all too fast which will be sad in a way but it will also give me increasing freedom. i stay in touch with my friends online and i try and go out socialising at least once a month.

i like being on my own anyway which helps, but mumsnet is great if i'm in need of some adult company.

i have actually cried a lot tonight myself, which is rarer these days, it was because of xp. so it was a coincidence to read your post. i look awful and i feel so tired just from crying.

and yes, tomorrow is another day .

[notbusta]

Don't be so hard on yourself. News like this is always a shock and especially difficult to deal with when you're the parent left with all the responsibility. When my XP first started seeing someone else it was the unfairness of it that got to me - he'd acted really badly in our relationship but walked away with the freedom to act like a teenager again. (His new 'relationship' lasted for about five minutes though BTW).
Sounds like you are doing very well. Maybe this will give you the incentive to get out and do some fun things for yourself?
Lots of sympathy tonight, and think you will feel stronger again tomorrow.

[TheSeriousOne]

Hmm... My Dh's ex hasn't gotten over a thing in the last 10 years.

But, as a second wife, maybe I just 'rationalise' things that way, eh, THeNEwsMongrel????

There is a difference between being a doormat and disappearing and living with your decisions.

I know of far too many people who make a decision to leave their partner / marriage and then are pissed off that the other partner didn't disappear into a black hole.

happened to my DH. His Ex is still pissed off he's not on the breadline living in a caravan or worse. She has tried to destroy him and can't seem to contemplate the fact that he has lived, florished, without her.

Sorry, I am sorry to the OP, that's not really what you meant, and I am sorry to be a bit off topic.

[ninah]

I was eaten up with jealousy for about a year and a half, then less so, and now I couldn't give a toss. Amazing what time does!

[TheNewsMongrel]

Raisinbran, I know this is quite blokeish but I guess I've compartmentalised the anger and the feelings of being things being unjust. I am 90% fine 90% of the time, and only every now and then, it sort of bubbles up and that other ten % I've boxed away can't be squashed back down again!

It happened to me just the other night at a school charity function. I arrived in great form, looking forward to a glass of wine and a good chat, but then I looked around me and realised everybody else was their with their (lovely, of course) husband. I swear, in some sort of additional two fingers to my life, everybody I know seems to have a really nice husband. I did feel a bit 'oh woe is me'. I had to strongly resist the urge to have another glass of wine.

Theseriousone, Start your own thread. This one was in support of raisin bran. I wouldn't give a knat's chuff if my x flourished, but in my case, he does it at my expense, off my back, as he gives his children nothing. I alone pay for everything, and yet he expects to swan in and out and see them at his convenience. OBVIOUSLY if he had a second wife she'd be stroking his arm and purring, oooh yes darling wife one is SO unreasonable. Becuase that's the way it goes. People support their partners and agree with them.

I'm not a second wife and my x hasn't met anybody new, but time and time again I read threads which allow me to form my own opinion, which remains unchanged, thank you. I don't think all 2nd wives are wicked, far from it, but I think it's fair to say that their lives would be less inconvenienced if the first wives didn't exist, if they'd got there first you could say. But they didn't. They got there second. This thread wasn't a dig about you, it was in support of raisinbran. So if you don't mind,,,,

Please do not respond to this post, as this thread is to support a sad mner, and I don't want to hi-jack it and turn it in to an argument.

By all means, feel free to start your own thread. There are some interestings things to discuss, btu not on this thread.

[elastamum]

I know just what you mean. My shortly to be ex H has a new house, has the kids when it is convenient and has a new girlfriend / great social life whilst I am at home looking after the kids and struggling to get a job. Im quite sure as soon as our divorce comes through the GF will be installed and his new life complete leaving me to pick up the pieces from what is left of our old one. She no doubt will position me as the miserable ex wife cow. It makes me angry but unfortunately the only thing you can do is try to move yourself on and do the best you can

[Tidgypuds]

Raisin Bran, your not alone feeling this way, I can identify with some of post. Its hard accepting that there life is moving forward and they are happy after leaving you to all the donkey work of bringing up children.

Like Notbusta says - they walk away with the freedom of a teenager to do as they please while all responsibility is left to you.

In time it becomes easier to bear, 5 years on I feel a lot better than I did but there are days when I just feel like crying that life is or at least seems to be rosy for him whilst I feel like im treading water.

Try to focus on the good things, you sound like you are doing a fantasic job and are a great mum to your DC's.

When you start to think about how great his life seems DONT make sure you dont dwell on it dont react, find something else to do or read a goo funny book...this always helps me.

[whoingodsnamewasi]

I just remind myself that I am the lucky one, as I get to wake up with my children everyday and I dont miss anything in thier lives, inmy eyes I by far got the better bargain

[Tidgypuds]

sorry about the lack of punctuation, in a rush but wanted to post my support for you.

[TheNewsMongrel]

I don't know what sort of person can fondly look on as their x languishes in a half a million pound house (even post recession), drives a Porsche (yes, the knob!), has a great career and salary, their freedom to find somebody new!

I tell you, it AINT easy. And I'm no miserable cow. People often say to me, "oh I didn't know you were a single mother". And I take that the right way, even though they don't have a very positive image of single mothers obviously but still, I think when I meet people for the first time I present an image of having it all sewn up. HA! and then I go back to my hovel and get the calculator out to see if I have enough beans to last til the end of the week.

[TheNewsMongrel]

Tidgypuds, there are loads of people doing well for themselves out there. I hardly notice, I don't care, it makes no odds to me either way,,, I do hope that eventually I won't notice whether my x has had a fat bonus or seems to be rubbing his brass farthings.

[Tidgypuds]

Thenewsmongrel, I had to laugh at the " oh I didnt know you were a single mother" and the accompanying (sp) look that come with it, it makes me smirk. I always take it as a compliment

The best thing is to get on with them (keep your friends close and your enemies even closer)
Concentrate on what you are doing, dont think what they have.

For me rather than the material possesions annoying me its the fact that he is, or seems to be happy after shitting on me from a great height.
Although this has bitten him on the bum as of late and has come over all guilt ridden after his new baby was born 3 weeks ago.

[hellsbells76]

oh i so know how you feel. i finished with my ex in january this year, after months and months of foul-mouthed verbal abuse and drunkenness. we've actually been getting on pretty well since but the other week he told me he'd started seeing someone and to my surprise i feel like i've been punched in the stomach. i don't want him back at all, but i guess i'm feeling nostalgic for the early days with him when it was all so lovely and we were so besotted with each other and jealous that someone else is having that now - he can be really charming when he wants to be. i keep telling myself he'll show his true colours soon enough and she'll find out what he's really like, but it still feels like a knife in the ribs.

i feel a bit shitty as i invited an old male friend (former FWB) over last week and ended up sleeping with him - i now think i did it just to feel something other than this horrible gut-wrenching pain

and yes i identify with that feeling of resentment over being stuck with the kids all the time while he's swanning off doing whatever the hell he wants (he doesn't contribute anything and money is pretty tight). but then the other night i was putting my daughter to bed and she hugged me and said 'luff oo mummy' and i thought actually i wouldn't miss moments like this for anything.

sorry for ramble...

[ninah]

pmsl at didn't know you were a single mother! one mother at pre-school said to me, so did you move up here cos of your husband's job?! er, no ... more because of his recreational activities

[TheSeriousOne]

Oh cobblers, THENEWSMONGREL, You seem bloody obsessed at your XH floourishing.

If he is doing well without paying you anything, then TAKE HIM TO COURT. But, chances are, (like my DH) you got a really good settlement based on what he was earning and was worth then and feel pissed off because he hasn't fallen into a pile of crap without you.

My DH has gone from strength to strength now he's split from his ex, because she was constantly moaning about everything.

I am sure she is as mad as hell because we're not on the breadline, but she got EVERYHING AND a really good settlement and she's pissed it away.

If I sound bitter, it is because of one thing: My DSDs, who should have had a totally secure future, don't, because their mother couldn't be arsed to protect all the money she demanded when SHE left.

I couldn't give two hoots what his ex does or doesn't have now, but I will protect what WE have for my DSDs and my DS. Our assets are at least protected.

[ElenorRigby]

well said seriousone

[OptimistS]

I actually read and responded to the other post first, but am going to say pretty much the same thing here (sorry) but with different emphasis because I want to address the OPs particular situation.

Raisinbran, whatever you're feeling is ok. Nobody is entitled to tell you how to feel, that's up to you. As long as you don't get in a situation where your kids feel guilty about loving your XDH because it makes you unhappy, it's fine.

That said, I believe that if you start feeling happier about your own life, whatever your XDH does (whether success or failure) will affect you a lot less. Open up to some of these people around you. You don't have to be superwoman. As someone who has been guilty of putting on a brave face and not letting people see my happiness and vulnerability I know where you're coming from. But I also know that when I did eventually let my guard down, people stepped up and offered me the most amazing support. That's what good friends and family do. Just letting it all out can make you feel a whole lot better.

Do some online research and find some other LPs in your area. Make some new friendships with people that really understand where you're coming from. The beauty of having other LPs as friends is that you can socialise more easily with them than you can with couples, as you can go over each other's houses and be a bit creative with the sleeping arrangements. That's what I do. Join a gym, or if money is a bit tight, find a friend to do a keep-fit video with a few times a week. If you can't stop comfort eating, investigate healthy alternatives you can snack on so that you don't have to deal with the issue of giving it up.

Your XDH is now gone. Whether he deserves happiness or not is no longer your concern (which is not to say that I don't understand because I do. I've been there). All you can do is concentrate on making the best of your own life so that his matters less to you. It will take time, so don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You'll get there eventually. In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that ultimately you are the lucky one because you've got your DC. No matter how happy and successful he is, or how great he is with the DC when he sees them, nothing will ever compare to the mum who is there all the time. You see your DCs developmental firsts, you're there in the night to comfort them when they're ill or have had a nightmare, you're there to give congratulations when they come home with a merit from school, you're there to brighten up a boring wet sunday afternoon with nothing but yourself and some felt-tips. Nothing can replace that and your XDH has lost so much by missing out on all that, so you truly are the lucky one.

[Alexa808]

hello raisinbran: i'm sorry you are so sad. how old are your dc? could your ex or family not look after the dc a bit more to give you more free time?

You said you joined a gym and taken on charity work which is really admirable, but have you ever thought of seeing what copurses your local council offers or gone to a MN single mums meet-up or joined a belly dancing class or book group or thrown a party at home inviting neighbours, etc.

You need to get out a bit more, have people around you. Did you work before you had the dc? Could you do something part-time or meet up with old colleagues? Or fly on a short trip to say Barcelona or Rome? Do something for yourself. chat with people and see how big the world out there is and that your life goes on and starts to get more busy as you meet new people.

Sometimes I think men's lives go on so uninteruptedly, it's unfair, but then again you tuck your kids in every night and they love and kiss you and that's priceless!

Just see if you can join new clubs, discover new territory and don't compare yourself to your ex. I once read that divorced/separated guys are much more likely to quickly bounce back into a relationship -any relationship, just because they don't want to be alone and fill a void left by the first wife/partner. Don't think about him, make new dreams and think about what you always wanted to try and do but haven't gotten around to yet, then make plans and do it!

Wishing you luck!

[raisinbran]

A big thank you to everyone that has posted. it has really helped.

I don't know why I got my self so upset but Sunday was a bad night and I sobbed all night. All most as much as a when I first found out about all his lies.

I am still not sure what I was bothered about I dont really wish any ill feeling on either him or his girlfriend, I guess I am just jealous that it has all gone his way, its not like the movies with a happy ending for all.

He is being fair with maintenance but nothing has been agreed long term yet, we are practical eg next week he is going to stay with boys in my house whilst I visit a friend, in return he is going to give me reward points for a hotel for 3 nights next year in Rome when i take the boys on holiday.

He mentioned he wanted to swap a weekend of childvisits, as he had been invited to a restaurant that is very difficult to get in. Here I am going out once a month for a pub meal,doing with out magazines, coffees out, shoppng around for best priced furniture( he just bought all his at John Lewis) to watch the pennies and he is living it up at the weeknds.
Whe we were married( I could never afford designer clothes etc but are social life was exciting and fun). Life is just very different now.

I gave up work 3 yrs ago so we could concentrate on his career and its only in the last 2 years that he has made very good money just in time for his new girlfriend to enjoy( we were married 14 yrs.)I was previously a General Manger for a hotel but its not possible to do it part time and full time would be too much with out some support at weekends and evenings.

I would like to meet other lone parents I just dont know how to find them.

There was a Mums Xmas meet up in Manchester but its the only weekend I can't do as I am off to Scotland.

I know you have to do things for yourself and make opportunities happen. Its just when you are low your perspective is distorted and everyting seems 10 times worse.

When my DS 10 and 5 were being sweet and affectionate last night I realised how lucky i am. ( although getting them up this morning for school and all the arguing I reserve judgement.

[ninah]

where are you rb? I am in the Midlands