why should dcs live with their mother ??

[Ihaverunaway]

I have newly seperated and have got the dc with me and this is the question dh asked today.

He is good father apart from when he is drunk when he is a nasty verbally abusive bully 9which is why I left) but this is about once a month.

The problem I have is that as the episodes happen when he is drunk he thinks I am lying or making it out to be worse than it is (I am always sober whan it happens) so he sees himself as a model parent where I see him as a ok parent but a hell of a risk when he has a drink (hence me leaving).
Sorry to waffle but this is all new to me and really dont want to end up in court. Any pointers as to how it all works and his chances of getting the children to live with him.

[mankymummy]

can you tape him when he has one of his drunken rants?

personally i dont think dc's should automatically live with their mother. i think they should live with whoever is most fit to look after them.

[lulumama]

i think in an ideal world it would be decided on a case by case basis , as to who was most able, or there would be totally shared residence. in the real world, the mother is usually the primary care giver and it is presumed the best person for DCs to reside with

a good father IMO, is not a nasty verbally abusive bully you have to run away from

so he needs to get his head round that

has anyone else seen him drunk and abusive who could back you up?

[Ihaverunaway]

I wish I had taped him but never managed to do it.

I had a long chat with his parents today and they back me 100% as other people have seen his nasty side too. I guess this would have to be brought up if he pushed for them to live with him.

[MeMySonAndI]

Ihaverunaway... your separation is still very recent, and from what I remember from mine, during the first weeks you are not talking to the person but to their fears.

Everything is too emotional and both of you are likely to be hypersensitive due to the new situation. In our case, it did help us to end the conversation when we were getting annoyed (say we will discuss this tomorrow when we are calmer). Don't feel forced to take any decission, take your time, wait until the emotions are not so raw.

And in the mean time... get this book: Putting children firstIt did helped us quite a lot to find the best arrangements for our child. And also to keep our own relationship in a relatively good shape which has been in the benefit of the 3 of us.
Good luck!

[OptimistS]

Keep a diary from now on detailing any bad behaviour from him, including names of witnesses (if there are any). Also contact Women's Aid. You'll probably find that this is an idle threat, as it is made by most abusive men when their wives/girlfriends leave, but only a small number actually carry through on it. Also, if the DC are with you and you are coping fine, it would be unusual for a judge to upset the status quo and send the children back to their father, so try not to worry too much.

[TheNewsMonger]

He sounds a classic control freak. Verbally abusive, in denial about the way he treats you. Keep a diary.

I agree with Optimist. My x sent me a scary solicitor letter threatening to go to court for residency, but he doesn't actually even WANT that. He just wanted to scare me into being too afraid to take HIM to court over money.

[TheNewsMonger]

PS you are very lucky that his parents have their eyes open. My x Pils think I am hysterical, mentally ill, selfish, flighty, a mummy's girl... they believe every word of their precious could-do-no-wrong son's account of why I left (with just 2 children and one bag).

I think that shows what I was up against really! Ididn't want to leave behind almsot everything we owned.

[singledadofthree]

depends on the parents - from what you say, then yes they should of course.

[LittleBella]

Because their father is a twat who refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour while drunk is harmful to his children?

Don't let this twat cow you. Your children should live with you because you don't turn into a nasty abusive bully when there's a full moon. (At least I'm presuming you don't)

[Lovesdogsandcats]

You will not need to prove how unsuitable he is to have residency, because he will have to prove how unsuitable you are, and as that is not true, it will not happen.

Children are not taken from the mother without very good reason, so let him dream on.

[spookycharlotte121]

I think most courts are very reluctant to take children away from their mothers so i wouldnt worry about losing the children if I were you. My ex haqs threatened to get the kids but he wouldnt have a chance in hell because he is violent especially when drunk, verbally abusive all the time, mentally abusive, he doesnt have a job, lives with his gf.
Unless you are beatung your children and abusing them then you dont need to worry about him getting them.