old relationship - how to start it up again?

[susia]

Years ago (when I was 19 and I'm now 40) I had a nine year relationship. There were many reasons things didn't work out - we met each other when we were really young, at the time I was ambitious and wanted a lot out of life whereas he was quite lazy...etc

We lived with each other for about 7 years, some of the time we were happy but towards the end we argued alot. I deliberated for a long, long time about whether to end it or not.

On the one hand we were really good friends, understood each other and had great sex. On the other he held me back, he wanted to stay in getting stoned all the time, never had any money and was out of work quite alot.

Anyway, the split was really painful for both of us and especially him but he moved on and for the last 10 years has been with someone else, who he split up from about a year ago. I have had a lot of short and some reasonably long relationships but never met anyone else long term.

I now have a five year old boy and have bumped into him a few times recently. Last year we ended up having a one night stand and all the attraction is still there. I recently suggested going for a drink which we are doing soon. The thing is I want to give it another go but want to do it with our eyes wide open this time - I don't think at the time he ever really understood why things went wrong and never expected us to split up. Despite all the arguing at the time I just don't think we communicated what our problems were.

I really would like to ask him for another proper try, to make it work but am scared of being rejected. How can I put it please?

[micci25]

i wouldnt 'bring it up' as such id just see how things progressed.

if your date/meet up goes well suggest another and see how things go

[susia]

the thing is I think he is very wary, not surprisingly and it will be a one off. I feel I have to spell out what I want and say how things would have to be totally different. I mean things have changed alot in the past 12 or so years, we are both different people and I now have a five year old and he has a 10 year old stepson.

If I don't say anything it'll either be a one off drink or progress into a one night stand.

[gillybean2]

Communication is important. I recently met up with an ex and was able to explain a few things to him which he had no idea about or had a very different perception of too me.

We all grow wiser with time. Maybe your ex will have started to realise some of the issues. But if you do want to start up again I think you do need to address those past issues to be able to move on from them and put them aside.

My ex still struggles to communicate, has no empathy and takes everything as a direct criticism and immediately counters any expression of how I feel as 'so it's all my fault then' as if I'm having a go at him.

He had a very hard time listening and even harder time expressing how he feels when we were together. This has not changed. The only reason I got to finally say the things I did is because he wanted sex something from me and had agreed to meet me to talk before I would consider giving him what he wanted. Let's just say he hasn't got what he wanted but he has agreed to meet up for more talking. I still have lots to get off my chest. I don't think he'll be getting what he wants any time soon either!

Gilly

[susia]

thank you gillybean - I think I will explain how I am now, ask him what is going on with him now and talk about what went wrong when we were together as far as I was concerned.

I want to explain how I am different now and see if he is too